Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever said anything like, "I am so lonely in this marriage with you but I really don't want to break up out family. And you really don't seem to want to be close with me anymore. I can't live the rest of my life as lonely as I am now. So you have any ideas about what we can do to keep our family together? If you don't want to be close with me, how would you feel if I was close to someone else?"

Well put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Sounds f-ing depressing. If she can pass for 10 years younger, it is time to get a freaking fake drivers' license.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, OP, I'm weighing in here although my facts slightly different - but perhaps to offer a happy ending if you do decide to divorce - I divorced my last DH when kids were both preschool age, and am now happily remarried two years alter to a wonderful new man I met who has stepped in as a doting stepfather. But the road is not easy. Not one bit.

As a single divorced mom, you will be tested - there will not be anyone to take your kids off your hands, even for 15 minutes, on the weekends alone with them - can you handle it? You will need to have childcare available to go on dates with other men and establish your dating life.... you will need to look your "best" on a budget that may be much less than what you had before your divorce....and above all, you will need to be grounded/happy and "there"f or your children at all times, likely seeing a therapist (expensive!) each week to make sure you are good, even if you think you are good (if you are feeling "good" after a divorce it is probably denial, a deceptive high.....that will blow up in your face at any point......)

Be prepared to accept help from friends - for me it was hand-me-down pots and pans and hand-me-down clothes so I could have the budget to invest in myself (read: botox to look fresher); food budget was not an issue as I spent my food budget on my kids the first year and starved myself to weigh what I did when I was 22- ----- you will have to present your best version of yourself.

And, dont be fooled - the men who offer to hook up with you now while you are married are not going to be interested in hooking up with you when you are single -becuase they are looking for someone married/unavailable to bang who doesnt want a commitment....


You are a beautiful sister, inside and out. I am proud of knowing women like you exist and give all of us a hope to strive to be better.
And --I think the worst thing to imagine is -- what if after your divorce your ex-husband suddenly rekindles romance with someone new, leaving you bitter of the past 7 years he's ignored/withdrawn from you????

See a therapist before making any decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

+1 Don't compromise your integrity by having an affair.

Republican much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.

Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.

Best advice on this thread so far!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Sorry, OP, but +1

Disagree. Damaged forever seems pretty overly dramatic.

It all depends on how you raise them.
I have many friends that had parents that stayed together until they were in college and it HURT them more. They just wished they would get divorced already earlier. It also is a CRUMMY time to divorce. Just when your kid goes off and needs a solid level of support at home...BAM!

I divorced my ex when my kids were 2 and 4. They know their life as the new normal and they are happier because Mom and Dad are happier separated. I do not think they are damaged, TYVM.

How, I will tell you how. My parents divorced when I was 2. I do not remember it. Then a year later they got back together. My dad remained emotionally unavailable and often physically absent going out with his friends at night. My mother, a wonderful hardworking woman, committed not to raise a child of divorced parents, remained eternally miserable.

What happened for me, is that for 40 years now or since I started dating guys, I have been looking for my dad. I married my dad indeed. This is what happens. Had my mother divorced, I am certain she would have found someone who treats her right and that would have been an example for me--that a woman needs to be treated with love, respect, care and needs to be put on a pedestal.

Speculative. How do you know if it hurt them more? We would never know that information would we? Unless we are dealing with an abusive relationship, we really would never know the impact until after the fact. Reconciliation is always the best option. Until its not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

+1 Don't compromise your integrity by having an affair.

Republican much?

??? not either of these posters. I am super liberal and have been the "victim" of affairs - my dad and later, my DH. I hope I would never be so unethical as to have an affair.

I believe affairs are pure selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.

Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.

Best advice on this thread so far!!!

+1 Best advice ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.

Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.

Best advice on this thread so far!!!

+1 Best advice ever.

OP here and I agree. My individual therapist urged me to do this and I have. Not sure if my DH has noticed but it certainly has helped me feel better about myself and remember who I am and what is important to me.

[Anonymous]

Go read the thread about the md politician who was arrested for exposing her breasts when she went crazy after discovering her ex's fiancée had moved in.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think counseling and therapists make a relationship worse.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and/or your husband to have a perfect, close, intimate relationship.

You have been through a lot - infertility, little kids.

I think you expect too much from a relationship.

I say - stay married and just work on being happy day to day and being nicer to each other. Stop focusing on the marriage relationship. Focus on your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think counseling and therapists make a relationship worse.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and/or your husband to have a perfect, close, intimate relationship.

You have been through a lot - infertility, little kids.

I think you expect too much from a relationship.

I say - stay married and just work on being happy day to day and being nicer to each other. Stop focusing on the marriage relationship. Focus on your family.

Smart, no drama advice. Unfortunately, most of us want a Harlequin romance even at 44--I too could be guilty of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think counseling and therapists make a relationship worse.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and/or your husband to have a perfect, close, intimate relationship.

You have been through a lot - infertility, little kids.

I think you expect too much from a relationship.

I say - stay married and just work on being happy day to day and being nicer to each other. Stop focusing on the marriage relationship. Focus on your family.

Smart, no drama advice. Unfortunately, most of us want a Harlequin romance even at 44--I too could be guilty of that.

Of course that's why those novels are gobbled up by women. Those who may not the guts or the looks to seduce a man still pine for it and live it vicariously through novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

+1 Don't compromise your integrity by having an affair.

Republican much?

WTF? If having integrity, character and acting in a thoughtful manner means being a Republican, then sign me up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think counseling and therapists make a relationship worse.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and/or your husband to have a perfect, close, intimate relationship.

You have been through a lot - infertility, little kids.

I think you expect too much from a relationship.

I say - stay married and just work on being happy day to day and being nicer to each other. Stop focusing on the marriage relationship. Focus on your family.

I'm sorry, but a no sex relationship with no affectionate interaction is not the kind of marriage I want to have. Not at all.