Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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Reply to "Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce"

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[quote=Anonymous]Others have pointed out the financial, social, and family consequences of a divorce.

Kudos to you for realizing that if you had an affair, your husband has an Instant Valid Reason For Divorce that he can share with friends, potential dates, or anyone. He can become Saint Cheated-Upon and no one can question his sanctity.

I think a lot of your decision relies on how autonomous and responsible he is.

If he's cool with you going out to see a movie 1-2 times a week, and having some amount of social life independent of him, that's WAY different than if he's always complaining about you going out (either by yourself or the kid), always wants you to stay home, etc. Likewise, if he is a responsible adult in that he cleans up after himself and isn't at risk of buying some $25k boat "just because", that's way different than if he's always leaving a mess and is terrible with your kid.

This -- leading essentially a separate life from your husband -- may not be the ideal life you always wanted. But, it is potentially better than other alternatives, as PPs have mentioned. The PP who outlined various steps to rekindle intimacy made a very thoughtful post.

As for your kid, some people are just going to use any excuse in the book related to their parents' marriage to justify their adult misbehavior. If their parents had a happy marriage, it'll be "oh, they were so happy I couldn't possibly duplicate that" or "they spent so much time on each other, they didn't pay attention to me." If they divorce, it'll be "oh, they got divorced so I was angry." If they stay together in an imperfect marriage, it'll be "oh, they should've divorced, I'm angry because they didn't divorce."

I assume, of course, you made no comments about his "manhood" during your infertility struggles or otherwise blamed him. This seems to be when he started shutting himself off. Your response to someone who (IMO reasonably) asked about the timeline of your child's conception was a bit ... overly huffy ("if you must know") towards people that you presumably are asking for advice for.

If he makes some improvements, be thankful for that, and don't openly complain about how he hasn't reached your Ideal Husband status. Nothing will convince him to retreat further into his shell faster than your continued complaining in response to his improvements. I apologize as this does seem like it is blaming the victim -- but you can control your actions/reactions to his actions, not his actions. [/quote]

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