Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
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Anonymous
This. This is a "reality of divorce" OP. there's a lot of damage and carnage on match.com Yes, there are a ton of 55 yr olds who want to date you so they can sleep with you and then you'll make them a sandwich! And nurse their boo boos. You may luck out meeting a friend of a friend though, that does still happen. He'll be battle-scarred too, though. -- divorced 45 year old. |
Anonymous
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With any divorce you have to understand that you may be single for the rest of your life. I realized this when I was 29 and getting out of my hellish first marriage. But I knew I would rather be single and free then stay with that completely abusive jerk.
That to me is the standard of should I divorce or not. Ask him for a hall pass! |
Anonymous
Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years. |
Anonymous
Age may also play a factor. My friends who divorced have not found lasting new relationships; they're in their early 40s. Sounds like the PP may have been a bit younger at the time of her divorce. |
Anonymous
Little bit. I was 33 when I remarried. |
Anonymous
You will be lonely to lose that as well. You may say right now you won't but you will. It's a lifestyle you have grown accustmoed too. Then their are your friends that you know as a couple and even that you know individually. Those will change as well. Some will drift away, some will basically ignore you in fear that they will catch divorce. And as crappy as this sounds but I am being really honest, I am pretty careful about allowing my kid to go over to friends houses for playdates with divorced parents especially once the parent starts dating. It's usually the mom who is hosting the playdates and really I don't want my kid hanging out with mom and random boyfriend. You will parent your kids half of the rest of their life. The other half they will be with their dad. You will spend half of all holidays with them. Honestly, I have watched my friends suffer through this and it's really hard. |
Anonymous
Were you 44 years old? |
Anonymous
Very mercenary. You are pathetic. People are human beings, not lifeboats there for your convenience. |
Anonymous
OK, this makes an enormous difference (to guys) When you were getting hit on right and left, you were 30, 31 at most, right? Big difference between 30 and 42, no matter how much yoga we do |
Anonymous
I don't know about this. DH's parents divorced when he was very young and he's fine with it. Friends' parents divorced when they were college-aged, and it seems to have been pretty devastating, especially since they were at the ages of starting to think about forming romantic partnerships themselves. |
Anonymous
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Nothing will change until your husband realizes he needs therapy to work on his issues.
Get a new couples therapist. The one you have is not doing anything for you, from the sound of it. You must have wanted your children very much to go through IVF with a spouse already so checked out. That means you need to keep thinking of them, and try to find a way to make things work out for you in your marriage, whatever arrangement that may be. The stability of their home and having their father there is more important than your intimacy issues with your husband. |
Anonymous
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OP I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. It sounds to me as if you have made every effort to save your union and keep your family in tact, yet your husband is not as committed as you are and if both sides are not willing to put in 120%, then failure will result. No exceptions.
You have truly sacrificed so much for your marriage, you aren't a quitter by any means. Since your husband doesn't seem as committed as you are, you have no other option but to leave him. Think about it, life is not very long. And to live out the rest of your good years in misery is not a life at all. It would be simple existence for the sake of existence. I say file for divorce, the sooner the better. Sure, you may not live in as nice a house or be able to afford many financial things you can now, but isn't happiness and contentment with life worth the trade-off?? I think so. Also, staying with this man as unhappy as your posting illustrates will be setting a horrible example for your two kids. Children learn from their parent's behaviors and for them to see their mother miserable yet complacent in an unhappy marriage would be setting the worst precedent ever. Many women have left unhappy marriages due to no fault of their own. And in the end, they have never regretted it. More regret lingers in the homes of women who choose to stay hitched to someone who makes them feel dead and invisible. |
Anonymous
I would have loved to have a wife like you willing to initiate. My wife just didn't care. But if he is walling himself off from everything, setup and take him to a psychiatrist. He can't do it for himself. do it for him as you last step before you leave. If he is happy with friends, give up on it. it the relationship. and to the people that say to stay in it for the children. I did and I think it was a mistake. All the tension and sadness is absorbed, you will hear your children expressing the same anger and frustration and sadness that you feel. They may become depressed, unable to control the situation. And they can only be children for such a short time. My marriage did not go south until the recession and layoffs and financial crap hit. Children were in middle school. so at least the elementary school years were happy. but I f'cked it up, I should have left for them. |
Anonymous
+1 Your situation isn't really comparable. Though unlike PPs, I do have friends who found love in their forties. |
Anonymous
| Also, would you be able to cope with your DH finding a new relationship if you divorce? |