Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Another voice from the battlefield ... I am single mom now to a soon to be kindergartener. Divorced from ex who strayed and now lives a continent away. We live a happy life, surrounded by families of all types, with kids who are priorities- but also see parents engaged in relationships of mutual respect and enjoyment. That is great role modeling for dc- much more so than a sad Mom or Dad.

Do what's best for you- and in turn the kids will benefit from your sense of fulfillment.

My own parents (and siblings) are married - but each member is engaged in their relationship. Without that- not worth the impact on your wellbeing, and that of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Sounds f-ing depressing. If she can pass for 10 years younger, it is time to get a freaking fake drivers' license.

OK, I wasn't at your wedding, so what were your marriage vows? Marriage for a period while it benefits my personal growth and companionship, then buh-bye? Those weren't my vows. I am a 50yo DH who has not had the easiest time with my DW, but divorce (while I have often dreamt about it, in a Walter Mitty-kind of way), is just not an option. I said the vows. (No one is alleging abuse, serial infidelity, etc. here.)

BUT, rant aside, my own DW was late 30s with a child when we met and married, so if you do decide to throw your vows away, there are people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse, right? This just comes off a little first world problem-ish.

Yes. People in the first world still get to have problems. I think you misunderstand the proper use of that ironic phrase. Feeling alone in a marriage is not a petty issue. Your local Starbucks running out of chocolate syrup is a petty issue.

Feeling alone in a marriage IS a petty issue compared to the betrayal of throwing away your wedding vows. That said, OP's husband is divorced, so they both seem to take a light view on such ridiculous formalities. Keep up with the therapy a re-read your vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse, right? This just comes off a little first world problem-ish.

Yes. People in the first world still get to have problems. I think you misunderstand the proper use of that ironic phrase. Feeling alone in a marriage is not a petty issue. Your local Starbucks running out of chocolate syrup is a petty issue.

Feeling alone in a marriage IS a petty issue compared to the betrayal of throwing away your wedding vows. That said, OP's husband is divorced, so they both seem to take a light view on such ridiculous formalities. Keep up with the therapy a re-read your vows.

Guess what? Part if the wedding vows are about love and cherishing each other. When one or both spouses are lonely in a marriage, clearly there is little to no love or cherishing going on. If you want to get technical and such about vows.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

I haven't read everything but here is my advice:

I am also 42 and I have two children. I live in France so my situation is not culturally comparable to yours but the facts are. I am happy. My kids are ahppy. Divorce is not the end of the world, either for you or for your children. Yes, money is tighter but we have what we need. The children's father will and should also help with their financial well-being. This is not your sole responsibility. Money is not the most important ingredient for happiness. My kids are happier now than they would have been if their father and I had stayed together and had been unhappy together.

If you can honestly say that you have done everything you can to heal your marriage and that it hasn't worked, then leave. If you don't have what you need financially, change your job. Get out there, get going on moving your life in the direction you want it to go. No, you may not find a partner for a while. Is that so bad? Do it alone. Why? Because you can. Be happy alone for a while and when you do meet someone - because you will - it may or may not last but you'll know that you chose to be with them because you wanted to and not because you felt that you had to (financially or emotionally). Gather your friends around, tell your husband that you are unhappy and want a divorce, and leave. Hold your head up high.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I am in my 50's; divorced in my 30's. I am at peace with the decision I made because it's in the past... I can't change it. But watch out. I had no idea how far the standard of living would fall. NO idea. As for dating, I had an active dating life for a while, and had a couple of long-term relationships, but neither worked out. After a while I was too exhausted to date. I'm alone now, and poor, and my life was so much better back when I wasn't so stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not want to live my life fantasizing about lots of other men.

Instead you'll live your life being hurt by lots of other men. You may think your dating life will be like it was in college... and it won't be. I was shocked at how different reality was, compared to my expectations.

Anonymous wrote:But what am I getting myself in to here? Two kids K and 2nd grade. I work and can support myself in a small 2 bdrm apt.

Even if you win custody of your children, that doesn't mean they will *stay* with you in your small two-bedroom apartment. In time, they can (and will) choose to move to their father's (in a nicer neighborhood). If you try to forbid it, guess who is the big bad witch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If you don't have what you need financially, change your job.

Unrealistic! Sorry, these Pollyanna quotes are really out of touch. I might have said similar things, 1 or 2 years post-divorce. Give it 5, 10, 20 years... reality sinks in. It really can be better to stay in your marriage. Better for your kids, and better for you.

[Anonymous]

He's gay or cheating. Either way you are stuck.until both are 18. Tell him the relationship.is now open (officially) and go get some. Just don't bring it home. Neither of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 50's; divorced in my 30's. I am at peace with the decision I made because it's in the past... I can't change it. But watch out. I had no idea how far the standard of living would fall. NO idea. As for dating, I had an active dating life for a while, and had a couple of long-term relationships, but neither worked out. After a while I was too exhausted to date. I'm alone now, and poor, and my life was so much better back when I wasn't so stressed.

Hope things improve for you.

[Anonymous]

Fascinating how when men complain about sexless marriages here and ask about affairs, an avalanche of wives tell them they are cowards and worse for not divorcing. When a woman complains about a sexless marriage, there are many suggestions, probably from other women, to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating how when men complain about sexless marriages here and ask about affairs, an avalanche of wives tell them they are cowards and worse for not divorcing. When a woman complains about a sexless marriage, there are many suggestions, probably from other women, to have an affair.

So men are advised one thing, and women are advised another? Then they're each getting sound advice. Regardless of who instigates the split, post-divorce, an ex-husband is likely to fare better than an ex-wife. Far better financially and far better in the dating game.

[Anonymous]

OP don't do it. It will not be worth. One guy might be good at sex, but there will be another problem. Plus, you might not find anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Now there's a pretty rationalization, one that really gets to the soul of DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating how when men complain about sexless marriages here and ask about affairs, an avalanche of wives tell them they are cowards and worse for not divorcing. When a woman complains about a sexless marriage, there are many suggestions, probably from other women, to have an affair.

So men are advised one thing, and women are advised another? Then they're each getting sound advice. Regardless of who instigates the split, post-divorce, an ex-husband is likely to fare better than an ex-wife. Far better financially and far better in the dating game.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced single mom. I'm fine. If your husband is not intimate with you, then he likely has another woman. Men love sex. Never forget that.