Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever said anything like, "I am so lonely in this marriage with you but I really don't want to break up out family. And you really don't seem to want to be close with me anymore. I can't live the rest of my life as lonely as I am now. So you have any ideas about what we can do to keep our family together? If you don't want to be close with me, how would you feel if I was close to someone else?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

if you must know, we had infertility and did IVF.

I guess I don't understand why you would do that with someone who'd already been checked out for a couple years, but I understand if that is too personal, having also gone through it myself.

[Anonymous]

Has he given you a reason for why he is so closed off? Do you think he is depressed? Is he happy in the marriage?

Maybe you can try a weekend retreat like this based on Harville Hendrick's work-Keeping the Love you Want. There is one in DC in August.

http://pub.imagorelationships.org/FindaWorkshop.aspx

[Anonymous]

Maybe try a Gottman Institute Weekend

http://www.gottman.com/events/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just have an affair? What's the worst that will happen -- you end up divorced?

OP here. my H can play the victim and my kids will likely grow to hate me.

He can do that anyway.. If you file for divorce, he's the "victim" and he can say the same thing to your kids..

This. I would want to divorce but barring that I would have an affair- if he's as sexually closed off as you say he probably figured you are having one already. Just don't throw it in his face.
How much working in a relationship can one person do alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

OP here. the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage. the other part is, of course, my children. i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks. badly, i am sure. i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.

re: the first marriage. a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him. i think i am understanding why that was. he never went to therapy after that marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

OP here. the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage. the other part is, of course, my children. i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks. badly, i am sure. i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.

re: the first marriage. a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him. i think i am understanding why that was. he never went to therapy after that marriage.

If you leave, leave because you can't take life with him any longer not because you want to find a replacement asap. Any other attitude will make you too vulnerable to the wrong type of guy. At least as a single woman you know you have a chance at finding another mate, as a married woman that's different. You do what you need to do. Like PP, I'm also sorry for your pain and wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever said anything like, "I am so lonely in this marriage with you but I really don't want to break up out family. And you really don't seem to want to be close with me anymore. I can't live the rest of my life as lonely as I am now. So you have any ideas about what we can do to keep our family together? If you don't want to be close with me, how would you feel if I was close to someone else?"

+ 1

Try it and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Sorry, OP, but +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

OP here. the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage. the other part is, of course, my children. i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks. badly, i am sure. i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.

re: the first marriage. a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him. i think i am understanding why that was. he never went to therapy after that marriage.

And your kids have their father. So there you go.

[Anonymous]

In almost every case, divorced women standard of living goes down, way down.