Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Title says most of it. Contemplating asking for separation/divorce. My H seems content with little to no emotional or sexual intimacy. We have been in Marriage counseling for 7 months, I see an individual therapist. H does not want to see an individual therapist, saying he will figure things out on his own. I am realizing that I do not want to live my life wondering why my H doesn't want intimacy. I do not want to live my life fantasizing about lots of other men. I don't want to live my life contemplating an affair (I just turned down an offer from a married colleague in the same boat)

But what am I getting myself in to here? Two kids K and 2nd grade. I work and can support myself in a small 2 bdrm apt. I hate to do this to my children, but I am dying inside, and I can't make my marriage work all by myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the exact same marriage, however, I'm somewhat more at peace with it than you seem to be. There's no easy answer, especially when you get along just fine and don't have other major problems.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever have the sexual and/or emotional intimacy at any point in your relationship?

[Anonymous]

I underestimated the financial loss. Yes, I can support myself and kids but lets face it our life is WAY more scaled back. My kids miss their swim club, vacations, and other endless things that use to be no big deal. It made life suck for them on a practical level in addition to an emotional level. They miss their old back yard, and their old neighbors, you know their old life really. I wouldn't do it again to be honest. I would of tried at least a few more years. I thought I was beyond miserable but I wasn't being abused and my kids had a great father who lived in the house...that was worth ALOT.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, OP, you can't say you haven't tried. He sounds depressed.

You get one shot at this life. I'm someone who rallies for posters to do everything they can to stay together. But it sounds like you may be at the point where it would be healthier to cut your losses and move on towards finding happiness.

What does he think about separating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, OP, you can't say you haven't tried. He sounds depressed.

You get one shot at this life. I'm someone who rallies for posters to do everything they can to stay together. But it sounds like you may be at the point where it would be healthier to cut your losses and move on towards finding happiness.

What does he think about separating?

thanks. i certainly have contributed to the situation, i have had to figure that out for myself. H won't tell me things i've done that are good or bad, i get no feedback on my behavior. so it is all conjecture on my part through individual therapy the role i've played. the guy just won't TALK about anything that matters. he wasn't always like this. clearly. i am a very emotional person and i would have never fallen in love with somebody who wasn't giving something of themselves. a one way relationship is pretty lonely.

he doesn't want to separate. he was divorced before we met (no kids), so a second divorce would likely crush him. not that it won't crush me, either.

[Anonymous]

I'd stay in the marriage and see new people. Then divorce as soon as I find someone new to marry. No way would I want to divorce and raise kids by myself, and try to find a partner at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Why not just have an affair? What's the worst that will happen -- you end up divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just have an affair? What's the worst that will happen -- you end up divorced?

OP here. my H can play the victim and my kids will likely grow to hate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just have an affair? What's the worst that will happen -- you end up divorced?

OP here. my H can play the victim and my kids will likely grow to hate me.

He can do that anyway.. If you file for divorce, he's the "victim" and he can say the same thing to your kids..

[Anonymous]

If we won't make the effort to fix things, will he give you a hall pass?

[Anonymous]

Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

if you must know, we had infertility and did IVF.