I asked DH for reassuring words and he flipped out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I really appreciate the DH perspective and the comments that were well thought out. I hear real irritation regarding this on all sides. But I don't hear guys saying they would flip out and scream at their DW. That's significant.

My approach to DH was not from a place of manipulation, nor was it angry or anything. It was from a place of being ..... fragile, and I was consciously trying not to frame it in any other way. It's really interesting to hear all the projection.

If DH had said to me when before we married, oh btw, if you get in a bad space or needy (which from this forum i'm told happens all the time) you can't count on me to be understanding whatsoever. Or if I'm approached about your insecurities, just deal, i can't be bothered. It's your problem. And moreover, you can expect that I will be mean, critical, neglectful, unempathetic and cold on a regular basis. Furthermore, i will ignore your need for basic meaningful mutual human connection and refuse to respectfully discuss it.

If that had been spelled out, I would have stayed away. End of story.

I've been sort of dumbfounded by the two bolded parts too. OP, people are making all kinds of assumptions, which I guess is par for the course when you post on an anonymous message board where the whole story is never able to be told. Only you know if you are excessively needy and if that's played a part in any of this, but it's disconcerting to me to see everyone jump to that assumption as if fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I really appreciate the DH perspective and the comments that were well thought out. I hear real irritation regarding this on all sides. But I don't hear guys saying they would flip out and scream at their DW. That's significant.

My approach to DH was not from a place of manipulation, nor was it angry or anything. It was from a place of being ..... fragile, and I was consciously trying not to frame it in any other way. It's really interesting to hear all the projection.

If DH had said to me when before we married, oh btw, if you get in a bad space or needy (which from this forum i'm told happens all the time) you can't count on me to be understanding whatsoever. Or if I'm approached about your insecurities, just deal, i can't be bothered. It's your problem. And moreover, you can expect that I will be mean, critical, neglectful, unempathetic and cold on a regular basis. Furthermore, i will ignore your need for basic meaningful mutual human connection and refuse to respectfully discuss it.

If that had been spelled out, I would have stayed away. End of story.

I've been sort of dumbfounded by the two bolded parts too. OP, people are making all kinds of assumptions, which I guess is par for the course when you post on an anonymous message board where the whole story is never able to be told. Only you know if you are excessively needy and if that's played a part in any of this, but it's disconcerting to me to see everyone jump to that assumption as if fact.

OP: me too. But enlightening nonetheless. There were sparks of insight even if I didn't completely agree. But the venom......surprising but good entertainment.

[Anonymous]

I defintely think that OP (and many of you here) should read any book about the love languages.

My DH and I used to have a similar problem. The quickest way for me to trigger the "DH error code" was ot say something along the lines of "I feel lonely" or "I feel invisible." Especially if he was at work. Automatic shutdown. After reading the book and seeing a counselor, we realized that our love languages are just different. DH is not a talker and often has trouble comforting with words. But if he sees I am down, he will do something for me - bring me a cup of tea or take over my duties for the evening. That is his love language - he does. So before everyone here calls the OP needy and her DH abusive, it may be worth the exercise for them to learn how the other communicates and how the other expresses love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I really appreciate the DH perspective and the comments that were well thought out. I hear real irritation regarding this on all sides. But I don't hear guys saying they would flip out and scream at their DW. That's significant.

My approach to DH was not from a place of manipulation, nor was it angry or anything. It was from a place of being ..... fragile, and I was consciously trying not to frame it in any other way. It's really interesting to hear all the projection.

If DH had said to me when before we married, oh btw, if you get in a bad space or needy (which from this forum i'm told happens all the time) you can't count on me to be understanding whatsoever. Or if I'm approached about your insecurities, just deal, i can't be bothered. It's your problem. And moreover, you can expect that I will be mean, critical, neglectful, unempathetic and cold on a regular basis. Furthermore, i will ignore your need for basic meaningful mutual human connection and refuse to respectfully discuss it.

If that had been spelled out, I would have stayed away. End of story.

OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and husband, OP? How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have experienced this, where he blows up and immediately goes into ranting, destructive mode as if I've been accusing him of a million wrongs. He has no strong sense of his identity, no boundaries, and grew up with a lot of abuse and shaming. He overreacts to everything. I keep my own counsel and handle my own problems, but sometimes you do need some reassurance or emotional connection with a supposed partner. That takes boundaries and an ability to hear clearly without distortions or making it all about you. He's been in intensive therapy, and is slowly learning to handle things a bit better, but he'll always have this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

She didn't. That was added later after the original scenario failed to produce enough support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

She didn't. That was added later after the original scenario failed to produce enough support.

Exactly.
No part of what has been relayed is even in the same neighborhood as abuse. OP use that word with your DH regarding this situation and you will immediately lose all credibility.

[Anonymous]

Flipped out is in the original title of this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to try to say this gently.

After infidelity, there can be a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. It can take months of an intricate dance, learning to communicate again. You're probabably very angry and needing constant and frequent reassurance that the relationship is on the repair track. While your husband need a to be mindful of the hurt he's caused, he is also dealing with his own fallout, consequences and anger. He may feel that he is jumping through hoops trying to "make" you happy again, like taking care of repairs at you other home, etc. When you call him and ask for MORE reassurance,he may just be feeling overwhelmed and thus snaps.

I'd really suggest counselling for you both. That's couples and individual counselling.

You do sound a little manipulative (even how you've responded to these posts), and he sounds that he withholds affection when cornered. It's not a great combo unless you can figure out how to communicate with each other, as the other needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

She didn't. That was added later after the original scenario failed to produce enough support.

Please. I'm starting to wonder what the words in the TITLE of this thread "flipped out" means to people. Does that mean he put down his knitting and spoke in a quiet voice? Mother of G. What does ".... he flipped out" sound like? Calm? Rational?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

She didn't. That was added later after the original scenario failed to produce enough support.

Please. I'm starting to wonder what the words in the TITLE of this thread "flipped out" means to people. Does that mean he put down his knitting and spoke in a quiet voice? Mother of G. What does ".... he flipped out" sound like? Calm? Rational?

She said nothing about him screaming at her in the OP. The way she recounted the conversation, both sides were rational and speaking normally. Yes, flipping out is in the title but nothing supports it. Just like nothing in the OP supports abuse. She gets upset with the responses but doesn't seem to understand she didn't include significant details in her post that would make her concerns seem more rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did you say your husband "flipped out and screamed at you?" I didn't see that.

She didn't. That was added later after the original scenario failed to produce enough support.

Please. I'm starting to wonder what the words in the TITLE of this thread "flipped out" means to people. Does that mean he put down his knitting and spoke in a quiet voice? Mother of G. What does ".... he flipped out" sound like? Calm? Rational?

Well, her description of the conversation doesn't make it sound like any harsh words were exchanged. She even specifically said that it wasn't a fight. Given that she considered the encounter to be "abuse" it's hard to know what her definition is of "flipped out." She certainly didn't describe anything that sounded like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been going through a rough time. He's out of town. I just called him and said I'm feeling sad, would he say something to help me feel cared about? I worked all day at my job, and I was feeling and have been feeling very alone and unsupported. ?

Holy crap you sound needy

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that there seems to be a toxic dynamic going on that was undoubtedly made worse by the infidelity. OP, if you and your husband have not gone through counseling to deal with your anger, insecurity, disappointment, communication issues, etc., you have little hope for recovery. We can't possibly know what is going on with your DH, but he sounds resentful and guilty. Either he is still seeing his AP or he feels you will never let him live it down so it doesn't matter. In your original post, you left out the most important part - that you are both reeling from the most devastating betrayal that can happen to a marriage. Fix that and the other pieces will fall in place, because they all contributed to it. Push it aside as an afterthought and it will consume you both. BTDT.