I asked DH for reassuring words and he flipped out

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been going through a rough time. He's out of town. I just called him and said I'm feeling sad, would he say something to help me feel cared about? I worked all day at my job, and I was feeling and have been feeling very alone and unsupported. I try to tell him this but he comes back with things like "why are you calling me a piece of crap". I just say what's going on, it's nothing about him. How does it get turned around like that?

Tonight on the phone He said, "what do you want me to say?" He stayed at our second house to wait for the plumber. Then added, "Can't I see that staying for the plumber means he loves me? What more do I want?"

This phone call was not a fight, I didn't have a tone, I didn't nag. I didn't return with angry words, I just listened. I've asked other times but I get the same sort of run around, almost for two years. He's a very smart guy, good with other people, charming to everyone else. I've tried to talk with him. I'm feeling very lonely and very confused.

Tnen I told him to stay out of town then, I needed time alone. He said he can't because he needs to return something.

I can't put my finger on it, but I almost feel abused.

What do i say to him? What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

From a man's perspective, let me just tell you that it can be very difficult to be on the receiving end of these kinds of calls. We are generally programmed to try to "fix" things anyway, but when you're physically in another location and there's nothing we can really do, it stresses us out (even if all you're looking for is a sympathetic ear, our instinct is still to fix it). That helplessness manifests as defensiveness, we react poorly, starting a vicious cycle.

I remember my DW used to call me at work every day around 4 to complain about her day and ask when I was coming home. Which started to annoy the crap out of me because it 1) Interrupted a day that may already be very stressful for me to pile on a bunch of additional problems, none of which I could do anything about in the meantime; and 2) Put me on notice that I was going home to a whole new basket of stress; i.e., I'd be handed the kids, my wife would retreat to her computer or whatever, and I'd pull the proverbial second shift with no chance to decompress myself. I don't mean to sound critical of my wife when I type this -- it's just a very tough dynamic.

Now, your DH and I are different people. We have a different relationship than you guys do. But, if there are any similarities at all, you need to ask yourself whether your need for reassuring words are piling on some sort of stress he may be experiencing. This doesn't mean he should be insensitive and not listen to vent and offer that reassurance. It just means that SOMETIMES it might be better to find a different outlet.

I hope this makes some sense.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife and would be annoyed with this type of call. You sound super needy and I'm sure it's not the first time you've asked this of him. And let me guess, he never says the right thing or mAkes it all better.

[Anonymous]

He is your husband, not your best girlfriend and not your therapist.

I know a lot of DCUM will disagree with me, but I wonder hoe many of them are happily married and for how long.

I've been happily married 12 years and I can tell you one of the "secrets" to a happy marriage is not expecting your spouse to be everyone to you.

Maybe your husband is a rational, relatively unemotional person -- you probably married him for these reasons and appreciate them in other contexts. Recognize the way your husband shows his support and look for your pep talks elsewhere -- from a girlfriend, relative or therapist.

He is not abusing you -- but you are being emotionally needy and trying to turn him into someone he is not and that will not end well. You will be perpetually disappointed and he will be resentful. Turn the dynamic around while you can.

[Anonymous]

When I want my DH to listen/offer sympathy, instead of trying to fix whatever the problem is, I have to specifically tell him upfront. Otherwise, he tries to offer suggestions, and then gets annoyed when he can't/I don't want to take any of his suggestions. We still get into spats like what you described, when he doesn't listen to my request/I don't make it clear enough, but it's helped.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he is just feeling worn down by the unhappiness/conflict and wasn't in a good place to get the call.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you think this is abusive shows how completely over reactionary you are and I'm sure that has something to do with his reAction.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I cannot STAND this type of neediness -- in past boyfriends or in friends. HANDLE YO SHIT.

[Anonymous]

OP. wow. I didn't think asking for support in a rough time was asking too much from a spouse.

And i think it's abusive because there has been coldness and lack of empathy for a long time. This is a small specific example of the way I get treated, whether asking for something or not.

But this gang shift in blame to me - that I did something to cause it- is very interesting.

Not much of the snotty comments are insightful to me, but say a lot about the posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been going through a rough time. He's out of town. I just called him and said I'm feeling sad, would he say something to help me feel cared about? I worked all day at my job, and I was feeling and have been feeling very alone and unsupported. I try to tell him this but he comes back with things like "why are you calling me a piece of crap". I just say what's going on, it's nothing about him. How does it get turned around like that?

Tonight on the phone He said, "what do you want me to say?" He stayed at our second house to wait for the plumber. Then added, "Can't I see that staying for the plumber means he loves me? What more do I want?"

This phone call was not a fight, I didn't have a tone, I didn't nag. I didn't return with angry words, I just listened. I've asked other times but I get the same sort of run around, almost for two years. He's a very smart guy, good with other people, charming to everyone else. I've tried to talk with him. I'm feeling very lonely and very confused.

Tnen I told him to stay out of town then, I needed time alone. He said he can't because he needs to return something.

I can't put my finger on it, but I almost feel abused.

What do i say to him? What does this mean?

OP He is not your mother! You told him to stay out of town?? Are you kidding me? And honey, if this is your definition of "abused," you've been watching too much Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't put my finger on it, but I almost feel abused.

Wut?

OP, your post is a royal insult to people who actually have suffered emotional/psychological abuse in relationships. I agree with others that you sound very needy/insecure, and this is something within yourself that you need to figure out - not constantly gasiight your DH to reassure you. Truthfully, your post reads a bit like a teenager, and not a grown woman.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you think everyone is the problem speaks volumes. Hopefully he's getting his affairs in order to escape the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the conversation would've gone smoother had you done it in person rather than on the phone?

I agree with the DH poster above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been going through a rough time. He's out of town. I just called him and said I'm feeling sad, would he say something to help me feel cared about? I worked all day at my job, and I was feeling and have been feeling very alone and unsupported. I try to tell him this but he comes back with things like "why are you calling me a piece of crap". I just say what's going on, it's nothing about him. How does it get turned around like that?

Tonight on the phone He said, "what do you want me to say?" He stayed at our second house to wait for the plumber. Then added, "Can't I see that staying for the plumber means he loves me? What more do I want?"

This phone call was not a fight, I didn't have a tone, I didn't nag. I didn't return with angry words, I just listened. I've asked other times but I get the same sort of run around, almost for two years. He's a very smart guy, good with other people, charming to everyone else. I've tried to talk with him. I'm feeling very lonely and very confused.

Tnen I told him to stay out of town then, I needed time alone. He said he can't because he needs to return something.

I can't put my finger on it, but I almost feel abused.

What do i say to him? What does this mean?

Quotes are things that people actually say. Unless he said those things about himself, this doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. wow. I didn't think asking for support in a rough time was asking too much from a spouse.

And i think it's abusive because there has been coldness and lack of empathy for a long time. This is a small specific example of the way I get treated, whether asking for something or not.

But this gang shift in blame to me - that I did something to cause it- is very interesting.

Not much of the snotty comments are insightful to me, but say a lot about the posters.

OP, you really need some help.