I asked DH for reassuring words and he flipped out

[Anonymous]

OP, it could be that you just didn't describe what happened very well in your initial post. But based on what you wrote, it sounds like: you called her husband and said you're feeling "alone and unsupported" and can he say something to help you feel "cared about." He got defensive and asked why you were attacking him. He pointed to his waiting for a plumber as proof he loves you. You then told him to stay out of town and now say you feel abused.

On that description, you sound like you're being pretty annoying and unfair. Telling your husband you feel "alone and unsupported" and not "cared about" and asking him to say something to change that DOES suggest that HE is the one not supporting you or caring about you. That's why he felt attacked. His thing about waiting for the plumber supports that--he interpreted you as accusing him of not caring about you or loving you. And then telling him to stay out of town and saying you feel abused blows it up to a crazy level.

Now, if he screamed at you or is in some other way cold and unfeeling, that certainly explains your feelings (although it would not explain why you'd keep going to him and asking for emotional propping up that you know he will not give you). But you didn't say that. That's why people are reacting the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think OP. I think that you and your husband have completely failed at all communication, and you are not hearing each other at all--instead you are each reacting to perceived intention and aggression on the other person's end--in a passive way.


Furthermore, I think you do sound pretty lonely and needy. Its okay to be lonely, and it is okay to have needs, but it is not okay to expect your partner to constantly meet your needs in the way that you think is correct and punish them when they do not. It is your job to communicate your needs clearly and if your needs are reasonable and not being met, then you need to have an adult conversation about it, not a series of passive aggressive tit for tats.

In this case, you wanted/expected your partner to say something to make you feel better, but at another level, it appears that you also blame him for your loneliness and neediness, so he is interpreting your desire for him to "Make you feel better" as a veiled attack. I wonder, would you have been satisfied if he had simply said "sorry you had a tough day hon?" or really--be honest with yourself--were you masking criticism and blame in the form of an ask for attention? I ask that not because of what you wrote initially, but because of the way that you describe your relationship suggests that you have difficulty seeing any other point of view than your own.

My guess-- when you ask him to say something loving and to make you feel better, what he is probably hearing by now is some version of what a failure he is as a husband and that is why you are unhappy. His response about the plumber--what more do you want--suggests that he cannot figure out how to meet your needs. Perhaps he has never tried or perhaps--as your answers to many of the responses here suggests--you are unable to see things from any other point of view than your own and that your need for emotional security is an unrealistic one.


I also think your interpretation of his failure to do so as abuse suggests that you do, in fact, take his failure to meet your needs as a kind of violation that turns you into the victim, which just fuels the cycle of guilt and blame that I think is at the heart of your dynamic with your husband.

Furthermore, your response--to tell him not to come home--only escalates things. So, you start by saying that you want loving kind words, but you end by shutting him down and out, punishing him.

If you really want to save your marriage, you two need serious counseling so that you can begin to actually 'hear' each other.

This is the best advice on this thread, but I am sure OP is going to ignore it because it doesn't fit with her victim mentality.

[Anonymous]

1. I note that OP is only responding positively to people who are on "her side" -- and name-calling those who aren't. This tells me OP is not looking for advice but for validation.

2. OP: it is not your husband's job to fix you. It is your job to get help from a professional and fix yourself. Adults are generally not "fragile" unless there is a huge tragedy (death of a loved one, injury or illness, loss of home, etc). Everyone has tough days at work. The fact that it makes you fragile means you need help. This is not being mean, this is being honest.

3. OP: Your call was not horrible, though it was needy and somewhat manipulative. But your punitive response for your husband to stay out of town was horrible. You don't get to punish him for not doing what you want him to do. You can ask, and if he doesn't do what you want on a regular basis, you are free to end the relationship. Full stop. You can't tell him he can't come home and try to punish him. He's not a child.

4. OP: You seem to have a victim mentality. People who don't agree with you are "trashing you" and "attacking you." Your husband doesn't say the exact things you want to nurse your emotions along and he's "abusive." Working a full day (!) makes you "fragile." This is really, really unhealthy.

Please, from someone who got so much help from seeing a therapist: SEE A THERAPIST. You will be a stronger, more resilient person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it could be that you just didn't describe what happened very well in your initial post. But based on what you wrote, it sounds like: you called her husband and said you're feeling "alone and unsupported" and can he say something to help you feel "cared about." He got defensive and asked why you were attacking him. He pointed to his waiting for a plumber as proof he loves you. You then told him to stay out of town and now say you feel abused.

On that description, you sound like you're being pretty annoying and unfair. Telling your husband you feel "alone and unsupported" and not "cared about" and asking him to say something to change that DOES suggest that HE is the one not supporting you or caring about you. That's why he felt attacked. His thing about waiting for the plumber supports that--he interpreted you as accusing him of not caring about you or loving you. And then telling him to stay out of town and saying you feel abused blows it up to a crazy level.

Now, if he screamed at you or is in some other way cold and unfeeling, that certainly explains your feelings (although it would not explain why you'd keep going to him and asking for emotional propping up that you know he will not give you). But you didn't say that. That's why people are reacting the way they are.

This is why people think this situation was caused by you, OP.

You either have a decent spouse who is putting up with your BS and is exhausted at trying to deal with you, or you have an abusive spouse you should not be reaching out to for support. Which is it? My realistic guess is the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. wow. I didn't think asking for support in a rough time was asking too much from a spouse.

And i think it's abusive because there has been coldness and lack of empathy for a long time. This is a small specific example of the way I get treated, whether asking for something or not.

But this gang shift in blame to me - that I did something to cause it- is very interesting.

Not much of the snotty comments are insightful to me, but say a lot about the posters.

FWIW, I totally agree that asking support from a spouse is not too much.

American culture is big on this whole "leave and cleave", "marriage as n. 1 priority" concept, but then people turn around and treat each other so coldly. I don't get it.

I'm sorry your spouse treats you like that, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think worrying about emotional support when he's in the midst of an affair is like worrying about a splinter in your thumb and ignoring the compound fracture that's sticking out of your leg.