I asked DH for reassuring words and he flipped out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a man's perspective, let me just tell you that it can be very difficult to be on the receiving end of these kinds of calls. We are generally programmed to try to "fix" things anyway, but when you're physically in another location and there's nothing we can really do, it stresses us out (even if all you're looking for is a sympathetic ear, our instinct is still to fix it). That helplessness manifests as defensiveness, we react poorly, starting a vicious cycle.

I remember my DW used to call me at work every day around 4 to complain about her day and ask when I was coming home. Which started to annoy the crap out of me because it 1) Interrupted a day that may already be very stressful for me to pile on a bunch of additional problems, none of which I could do anything about in the meantime; and 2) Put me on notice that I was going home to a whole new basket of stress; i.e., I'd be handed the kids, my wife would retreat to her computer or whatever, and I'd pull the proverbial second shift with no chance to decompress myself. I don't mean to sound critical of my wife when I type this -- it's just a very tough dynamic.

Now, your DH and I are different people. We have a different relationship than you guys do. But, if there are any similarities at all, you need to ask yourself whether your need for reassuring words are piling on some sort of stress he may be experiencing. This doesn't mean he should be insensitive and not listen to vent and offer that reassurance. It just means that SOMETIMES it might be better to find a different outlet.

I hope this makes some sense.

Not OP, but your post helped me tremendously! I'll retread it a time or two, that's for sure! Thanks

[Anonymous]

OP: some interesting points. Some really good. Some whacked. First, how does a needy person say don't come home - I need some time alone. Second. The conjecture that this was even a spat is completely off. I said it wasn't. I said I just listened. Third. That somehow this has been chronic blaming and complaining is way off. I said we had been having problems. I also said Ive asked for reassurance before but not every day. Not every hour. Not even every month. Fourth, he goes off on this unrelated rage that I'm calling him names, like a piece of crap. It was completely out of touch with reality and the moment, and out of time, which was calm, except for his rant. Fifth, he wasn't out of town working. He's semi retired. Sixth, I was interested if anyone else saw strangeness in this incident because there are many more like this - where I say something and he responds with things that seem to beg an argument. Yes tonight I had exceeded limit of bizarre behavior and I grabbed a recent moment, not the best example. However, I think a reasonable response from my husband might have been I really understand but I'm too tired, too stressed, don't understand, can we talk later whatever. Seventh, the relationship rough spot because he has been seeing someone else, but won't leave me and says he wants to work it out. I know his affair is my fault too, so save it. There are no property issues that prevent a divorce, and I would rather have a life than stuff. I am independent in my career.. I will not continue about what I perceive as abusive because I don't think I could stand to defend acts and hear to the idea that it's okay to be treated like that.

I've vented to friends, who are biasedly supportive and don't really like DH and think he treats me badly. I was interested in alternative views. That's what happened here so I have some things to think about.

Lastly, I wouldn't be so flippant if someone says something about abuse unless you get more information. I know this isnt a professional hotline, but many posters seem like intelligent people who give answers which have been given some thought. when the next wife starts posting about the crazy making stunts DH pulls, don't assume so much.

[Anonymous]

^OP, you seem to me to be very level headed and rational when it comes to your situation. Don't let the DCUM harpies get to you- they do this to everyone.

Secondly, if you feel like this is unhealthy and unsupportive, and possibly abusive... for goodness sake, LISTEN. Listen to your gut.

I will recommend to you to read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker, which is an amazing book about trusting your instincts.

If you are feeling totally emotionally bereft and unsupported in a relationship, then you need to be aware that that is unhealthy and really not okay. It's not going to work long term. Therapy might be an option, but if he's not willing to change anything then I would personally consider a divorce.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and if your friends' consensus is that this is unhealthy, please listen.

Also, google emotional/verbal abuse and try to decide if your case fits that. If it does, run... and dont let the abuse naysayers on here make you doubt yourself. You dont have to have a black eye to be being abused, and it's sad that so many seem to think you do.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered how your husband feels? Do you recognize that he has his own feelings, aside from how he thinks about you?

Based on your post, he is not "abusive." You were fishing for reassurance and being rather manipulative about it, which he probably was annoyed by, which is why he gave an "emotionally stunted" response. Once you realized that you ploy had failed, you dropped the nice act and went right into painting him into a villain.

Nowhere in your post do you seem to recognize him as another human being, or seem concerned about him at all. Your husband's existence is only to plug the holes in your fragile ego.

Please recognize, OP, that underneath the nice girl act, there is a bit of narcissism. Your husband is doing you a disservice by not calling you out on it, but the Internet is.

Sorry. The truth hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^OP, you seem to me to be very level headed and rational when it comes to your situation. Don't let the DCUM harpies get to you- they do this to everyone.

Secondly, if you feel like this is unhealthy and unsupportive, and possibly abusive... for goodness sake, LISTEN. Listen to your gut.

I will recommend to you to read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker, which is an amazing book about trusting your instincts.

If you are feeling totally emotionally bereft and unsupported in a relationship, then you need to be aware that that is unhealthy and really not okay. It's not going to work long term. Therapy might be an option, but if he's not willing to change anything then I would personally consider a divorce.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and if your friends' consensus is that this is unhealthy, please listen.

Also, google emotional/verbal abuse and try to decide if your case fits that. If it does, run... and dont let the abuse naysayers on here make you doubt yourself. You dont have to have a black eye to be being abused, and it's sad that so many seem to think you do.

Good luck to you, OP.

More dumb advice from DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: More dumb advice from DCUM.

What a constructive, helpful comment, PP. You should start an advice book, seriously. That really added to the conversation.

[Anonymous]

What I really think is funny is the DCUM supportive comments to the woman who felt unloved because her DH would push the dining chairs in. This is ridiculous in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: some interesting points. Some really good. Some whacked. First, how does a needy person say don't come home - I need some time alone. Second. The conjecture that this was even a spat is completely off. I said it wasn't. I said I just listened. Third. That somehow this has been chronic blaming and complaining is way off. I said we had been having problems. I also said Ive asked for reassurance before but not every day. Not every hour. Not even every month. Fourth, he goes off on this unrelated rage that I'm calling him names, like a piece of crap. It was completely out of touch with reality and the moment, and out of time, which was calm, except for his rant. Fifth, he wasn't out of town working. He's semi retired. Sixth, I was interested if anyone else saw strangeness in this incident because there are many more like this - where I say something and he responds with things that seem to beg an argument. Yes tonight I had exceeded limit of bizarre behavior and I grabbed a recent moment, not the best example. However, I think a reasonable response from my husband might have been I really understand but I'm too tired, too stressed, don't understand, can we talk later whatever. Seventh, the relationship rough spot because he has been seeing someone else, but won't leave me and says he wants to work it out. I know his affair is my fault too, so save it. There are no property issues that prevent a divorce, and I would rather have a life than stuff. I am independent in my career.. I will not continue about what I perceive as abusive because I don't think I could stand to defend acts and hear to the idea that it's okay to be treated like that.

I've vented to friends, who are biasedly supportive and don't really like DH and think he treats me badly. I was interested in alternative views. That's what happened here so I have some things to think about.

Lastly, I wouldn't be so flippant if someone says something about abuse unless you get more information. I know this isnt a professional hotline, but many posters seem like intelligent people who give answers which have been given some thought. when the next wife starts posting about the crazy making stunts DH pulls, don't assume so much.

Your thinking is so distorted, I don't know where to start. You complained about a "hang nail" sized problem in your relationship when you've really got a "cancer." Leaving out the fact he's cheating is huge. Someone else cheating is never your fault. Why would you think it is? Very distorted thinking his apathy is abuse. His cheating is emotional abuse though. You really should get therapy to work through all this. I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm trying to underscore that when your thinking is this off-base, you are putting yourself through more pain than you have to go through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can't control her husband. She can control herself. It would benefit her to see clearly how she's contributing to the poor communication dynamic they've got.

Aside from the first DH to respond, this is the only rational response on this entire thread. I've been reading this thread aghast and speechless about people's POV on relationships, and the bitterness and resentment towards a women they have never met. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: some interesting points. Some really good. Some whacked. First, how does a needy person say don't come home - I need some time alone. Second. The conjecture that this was even a spat is completely off. I said it wasn't. I said I just listened. Third. That somehow this has been chronic blaming and complaining is way off. I said we had been having problems. I also said Ive asked for reassurance before but not every day. Not every hour. Not even every month. Fourth, he goes off on this unrelated rage that I'm calling him names, like a piece of crap. It was completely out of touch with reality and the moment, and out of time, which was calm, except for his rant. Fifth, he wasn't out of town working. He's semi retired. Sixth, I was interested if anyone else saw strangeness in this incident because there are many more like this - where I say something and he responds with things that seem to beg an argument. Yes tonight I had exceeded limit of bizarre behavior and I grabbed a recent moment, not the best example. However, I think a reasonable response from my husband might have been I really understand but I'm too tired, too stressed, don't understand, can we talk later whatever. Seventh, the relationship rough spot because he has been seeing someone else, but won't leave me and says he wants to work it out. I know his affair is my fault too, so save it. There are no property issues that prevent a divorce, and I would rather have a life than stuff. I am independent in my career.. I will not continue about what I perceive as abusive because I don't think I could stand to defend acts and hear to the idea that it's okay to be treated like that.

I've vented to friends, who are biasedly supportive and don't really like DH and think he treats me badly. I was interested in alternative views. That's what happened here so I have some things to think about.

Lastly, I wouldn't be so flippant if someone says something about abuse unless you get more information. I know this isnt a professional hotline, but many posters seem like intelligent people who give answers which have been given some thought. when the next wife starts posting about the crazy making stunts DH pulls, don't assume so much.

Your thinking is so distorted, I don't know where to start. You complained about a "hang nail" sized problem in your relationship when you've really got a "cancer." Leaving out the fact he's cheating is huge. Someone else cheating is never your fault. Why would you think it is? Very distorted thinking his apathy is abuse. His cheating is emotional abuse though. You really should get therapy to work through all this. I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm trying to underscore that when your thinking is this off-base, you are putting yourself through more pain than you have to go through.

X100. Your phone call would annoy the heck out of me, and my marriage is good. If you want to save yours that isn't going to do it. If you simply want to punish your DH through passive aggressive behavior, keep it up! And whatever tone you use to say the words, telling someone not to come home = epic fight to me. I have never, ever remotely come close to telling my DH that.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a person who tends to take the same road in crisis, I feel you. But I think you need professional help. Just like I did, when I went out of my way to make everyone around me as miserable as I was. I can only imagine how terrible that was for my family. Meds and change in circumstances helped me. I am still depressed as sh*t, but I can handle it better. Please seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered how your husband feels? Do you recognize that he has his own feelings, aside from how he thinks about you?

Based on your post, he is not "abusive." You were fishing for reassurance and being rather manipulative about it, which he probably was annoyed by, which is why he gave an "emotionally stunted" response. Once you realized that you ploy had failed, you dropped the nice act and went right into painting him into a villain.

Nowhere in your post do you seem to recognize him as another human being, or seem concerned about him at all. Your husband's existence is only to plug the holes in your fragile ego.

Please recognize, OP, that underneath the nice girl act, there is a bit of narcissism. Your husband is doing you a disservice by not calling you out on it, but the Internet is.

Sorry. The truth hurts.

Man here. This is on point, at least based on the original post.

Had I been on the receiving end of that call I doubt I'd have handled it any better, and I'm happily married 20+ years. If DW had said, "Hi honey, I'm just feeling a little sad and wanted you hear your voice," then that would be one thing and I'd likely respond to that in a pretty supportive way. But to demand, "say something to help me feel cared about," well, I'd see that as manipulative, like the PP suggested. I'd be annoyed and would shut down.

There may be more backstory here. Maybe the DH is indeed an unsupportive idiot. But based on the exchange described I gotta throw my support to DH on this.

[Anonymous]

There is more to the story. He's cheating on her and she left that out. It puts everything in context.

[Anonymous]

OP: I really appreciate the DH perspective and the comments that were well thought out. I hear real irritation regarding this on all sides. But I don't hear guys saying they would flip out and scream at their DW. That's significant.

My approach to DH was not from a place of manipulation, nor was it angry or anything. It was from a place of being ..... fragile, and I was consciously trying not to frame it in any other way. It's really interesting to hear all the projection.

If DH had said to me when before we married, oh btw, if you get in a bad space or needy (which from this forum i'm told happens all the time) you can't count on me to be understanding whatsoever. Or if I'm approached about your insecurities, just deal, i can't be bothered. It's your problem. And moreover, you can expect that I will be mean, critical, neglectful, unempathetic and cold on a regular basis. Furthermore, i will ignore your need for basic meaningful mutual human connection and refuse to respectfully discuss it.

If that had been spelled out, I would have stayed away. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I really appreciate the DH perspective and the comments that were well thought out. I hear real irritation regarding this on all sides. But I don't hear guys saying they would flip out and scream at their DW. That's significant.

My approach to DH was not from a place of manipulation, nor was it angry or anything. It was from a place of being ..... fragile, and I was consciously trying not to frame it in any other way. It's really interesting to hear all the projection.

If DH had said to me when before we married, oh btw, if you get in a bad space or needy (which from this forum i'm told happens all the time) you can't count on me to be understanding whatsoever. Or if I'm approached about your insecurities, just deal, i can't be bothered. It's your problem. And moreover, you can expect that I will be mean, critical, neglectful, unempathetic and cold on a regular basis. Furthermore, i will ignore your need for basic meaningful mutual human connection and refuse to respectfully discuss it.

If that had been spelled out, I would have stayed away. End of story.

Fair enough. However, if fragility is a default thing for you -- if this happens with some frequency -- that is VERY tiresome and you should stop burdening your partner with it and get the help you need from a professional.