Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

+1. It sounds like you just want to trash her and make her the crazy one and you the well-adjusted one. This is black and white thinking.

Who are you people who come to these threads, posting your uninformed troll opinions? What do you think you are achieving? I don't get it.

You are right, Op. Anyone who disagrees with you and what you say is a troll! Shame on them. You are 100% in the right - All Of The Time! That is just so obvious and it's terrible for anyone to suggest otherwise, you have been through so much. You poor thing.

[Anonymous]

OP Deal with YOUR diagnosis of BPD and leave your sister alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

+1. It sounds like you just want to trash her and make her the crazy one and you the well-adjusted one. This is black and white thinking.

Who are you people who come to these threads, posting your uninformed troll opinions? What do you think you are achieving? I don't get it.

NP: On the troll issue, I honestly think it's just 1 or 2 fairly smart but super maladjusted people who are seeking to insert a balance of shame, hurt and frustration in these threads. There have always been trolls on DCUM, but there are a couple of extra troll-y around these days.

Then, aside from actual trolls, every conversation has potential to trigger those who identify with the negative behavior and lash out because they feel defensive. Yes, I spend too much time fascinated by DCUM dynamics!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Deal with YOUR diagnosis of BPD and leave your sister alone.

Not OP, but your continued attempts to make OP sound like the mentally I'll one are... Very revealing about you. Nuff said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

Former here again. Sorry you are dealing with this with your brother. I wanted to comment that while it may be ironic he has a fear of abandonment and yet is abandoning his family, it is a hallmark of BPD. Reject before you are rejected; abandon before you are abandoned; hurt before you are hurt.

BPDs are SO SURE that all interpersonal relationships will end in pain and disaster they try to ensure that they will be on the winning end. So they sabotage things.

I can't speak to your brother's 's or the PP wife's motivations, but for me I grew up in a family where there was abuse, emotional manipulation, real abandonment etc. I was "taught" this way of interpersonally relating to people who were close to me. That you should expect people who love you to also cut you off emotionally, turn on you and abuse you and that it has nothing to do with how much they love you, in fact it just means they love you a whole lot!!

Anyway, just a little insight from the frightened and warped mind of a BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

Hi. OP here. I'm sorry that you're going through this too and I know it is painful. Did you know that Randi Kreger has a website? I spent some time looking at it yesterday and her information on the dynamics of relationships with BPDs is really eye-opening. What I learned is that they push you away out of fear that you will abandon them first. It helps them regain a sense of control over the situation and manage fear. If you think about it from their POV, it makes sense. It doesn't make it any easier to be on the receiving end of that, but at least it makes sense and takes some of the bewildering "why is this happening?" feeling away. If I can at least understand a little of bit of what is driving this, I think it will help take the sting out of it a bit and help me determine how to react in ways that are ultimately more constructive for keeping lines of communication open. I hear you that it is exhausting and understand that you have to do what you have to do. I've been there. But at the moment I don't feel right shutting my sister out completely. I hope your family is doing okay, especially the kids, and wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

Former here again. Sorry you are dealing with this with your brother. I wanted to comment that while it may be ironic he has a fear of abandonment and yet is abandoning his family, it is a hallmark of BPD. Reject before you are rejected; abandon before you are abandoned; hurt before you are hurt.

BPDs are SO SURE that all interpersonal relationships will end in pain and disaster they try to ensure that they will be on the winning end. So they sabotage things.

I can't speak to your brother's 's or the PP wife's motivations, but for me I grew up in a family where there was abuse, emotional manipulation, real abandonment etc. I was "taught" this way of interpersonally relating to people who were close to me. That you should expect people who love you to also cut you off emotionally, turn on you and abuse you and that it has nothing to do with how much they love you, in fact it just means they love you a whole lot!!

Anyway, just a little insight from the frightened and warped mind of a BPD.

OP here. Can you explain the bold part a bit more? I'm struggling to understand what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

Former here again. Sorry you are dealing with this with your brother. I wanted to comment that while it may be ironic he has a fear of abandonment and yet is abandoning his family, it is a hallmark of BPD. Reject before you are rejected; abandon before you are abandoned; hurt before you are hurt.

BPDs are SO SURE that all interpersonal relationships will end in pain and disaster they try to ensure that they will be on the winning end. So they sabotage things.

I can't speak to your brother's 's or the PP wife's motivations, but for me I grew up in a family where there was abuse, emotional manipulation, real abandonment etc. I was "taught" this way of interpersonally relating to people who were close to me. That you should expect people who love you to also cut you off emotionally, turn on you and abuse you and that it has nothing to do with how much they love you, in fact it just means they love you a whole lot!!

Anyway, just a little insight from the frightened and warped mind of a BPD.

Not pp, but can I ask you a question?

You identify as being a former BPD. How long would you say you've been recovered/remission/etc?

After untangling the disorder, have your relationships with people changed? Have they gotten better, worse?

[Anonymous]

I would say I have been "free" of BPD behavior for about 14 years, but to be honest things pop up now and then. I am just way, way more aware of it and I handle it right away.

When I have bad urges I have internalized a mechanism in my head, a voice if you will, that tells me to cool it and NOT act on my impulses. One of the benefits of getting older (I am mid-40s) is patience and maturity and realizing that emotions pass. Still, I am not perfect. But when I make a mistake I really try to own it. I never do the terrible things like abandoning, walking away, emotionally shutting down, yelling, etc. But I can be sensitive to rejection from loved ones. Little tiny things that others would brush off. But now I tell myself, this isn't real, this is your neuroses and it helps me let it go. So does my SSRI!

BPDs live in a heightened emotional state and often that mood seems permanent. It seems like a TRUTH. And one that must be DEALT with. Very exhausting to be around, as those of you who know BPDs must know.

As far as my relationships, it is interesting that I have pretty much lost contact with almost all my friends from my youth and young adulthood. Not all, but most. And the reason is it takes two to tango -- meaning I was not healthy for them and frankly they were not healthy for me. Remember, the only people who put up with BPDs are people with their own issues.

Crazy people (and I use that term affectionately) have a high tolerance for other crazy people. They don't judge each other as much and they can engage in all sorts of co-dependent BS that healthy people would run screaming form. As I got "healthier" my tolerance lessened and my less-stable friendships disappeared. Being married to a wonderful, loving stable, calm man has been the greatest influence on my change. Everyday he models stable behavior for me and his unconditional love now feels normal.

The biggest problem in my "change" has been with my mother, who is BPD herself and brought me up in a very enmeshed psychological relationship and has felt hurt and abandoned as I detangled from her. We still have issues with boundaries and her BPD behavior. She will never change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Can you explain the bold part a bit more? I'm struggling to understand what that means.

I can only speak about my family dynamic, but I was brought up to believe that "authentic" relationships were ones where you had a lot of crying and fighting and emotional turmoil. Sound crazy? It was.

Every time I would have a real knock down drag out with one of my parents, it would end with them hugging and kissing me, really happy "we had had this talk" and don't we all just feel so much better and closer now? Uh, no. I felt emotionally wrecked, but I was brought up to understand this was a necessary struggle you had to have with people to be truly close to them, and relationships that had not been tested by fire were some how shallow and fake.

Literally one parent would hit me and then when I cried pull me close and comfort me and tell me how much I was loved and why did I always have to push things so far, ha ha ha, c'mon smile, you know I love you. That sort of thing. Just typing this makes my stomach clench. By the time I was in HS I was neck-deep in drama.

[Anonymous]

One more thing from Former, here. Thanks you all for letting me share this. It is a great relief.

As for recognizing you have BPD, I remembered this morning that a few years ago, not that long actually, I went to a therapist about anxiety and she diagnosed me with BPD and I basically said "Eff you" in my mind and never went back.

So yeah, it took a long time to accept the "label" and don't expect your loved ones to be excited about slapping a psychiatric label on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Can you explain the bold part a bit more? I'm struggling to understand what that means.

I can only speak about my family dynamic, but I was brought up to believe that "authentic" relationships were ones where you had a lot of crying and fighting and emotional turmoil. Sound crazy? It was.

Every time I would have a real knock down drag out with one of my parents, it would end with them hugging and kissing me, really happy "we had had this talk" and don't we all just feel so much better and closer now? Uh, no. I felt emotionally wrecked, but I was brought up to understand this was a necessary struggle you had to have with people to be truly close to them, and relationships that had not been tested by fire were some how shallow and fake.
Literally one parent would hit me and then when I cried pull me close and comfort me and tell me how much I was loved and why did I always have to push things so far, ha ha ha, c'mon smile, you know I love you. That sort of thing. Just typing this makes my stomach clench. By the time I was in HS I was neck-deep in drama.

OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can see where a this is a little bit like my family, but more from my father whom my sister spent very little time around. So it's still hard for me to understand what her experience could have been that would make her feel this way. I do know that her descriptions of our family growing up are vastly different from my own recollections. I don't know if that's attributable to our age difference or what, but it's always baffled me. We fought as siblings, but nothing more dramatic than what lots of siblings do - but I wonder if her experience of that was somehow different because of how little she was and the fact that my father was absent from the picture. I do know her perception of what family relationships "should" be like (her word) is a lot like what you wrote in bold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing from Former, here. Thanks you all for letting me share this. It is a great relief.

As for recognizing you have BPD, I remembered this morning that a few years ago, not that long actually, I went to a therapist about anxiety and she diagnosed me with BPD and I basically said "Eff you" in my mind and never went back.

So yeah, it took a long time to accept the "label" and don't expect your loved ones to be excited about slapping a psychiatric label on themselves.

Congratulations on your recovery! It's a really hard thing to accept and a really hard thing to recover from. You sound like you are doing a great job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can see where a this is a little bit like my family, but more from my father whom my sister spent very little time around. So it's still hard for me to understand what her experience could have been that would make her feel this way. I do know that her descriptions of our family growing up are vastly different from my own recollections. I don't know if that's attributable to our age difference or what, but it's always baffled me. We fought as siblings, but nothing more dramatic than what lots of siblings do - but I wonder if her experience of that was somehow different because of how little she was and the fact that my father was absent from the picture. I do know her perception of what family relationships "should" be like (her word) is a lot like what you wrote in bold.

OK, Former here. A few things you should realize, one is that there is a strong genetic component to BPD that your sister may have that you don't. Doesn't mean she was bound to get it if she did inherit the tendency, just that genes play a huge role.

So she could "interpret" conflict and rejection differently that a "normally" wired brain. You may have been able to brush things aide because you have a healthy coping mechanism, while hers is wired wrong.

The second issue is that she may possibly have experienced some abuse or violence outside the family that triggered this "cascade" of fears. This is also common for BPDs.