Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was she like this growing up? What do you think caused her emotional issues? Was your childhood stable? Are you sure you don't have any issues?

This is not germane to the conversation, which was how others have dealt with people with BPD. Why are you asking?

I am trying to understand how one sibling gets it but not the other.

Same with any mental illness. It's usually nature and nurture. Some are biologically predisposed to it and environment triggers it for some, not all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

I don't think you read carefully. The OP offered to call her sister at home, and when the sister said she wasn't home, asked her where she was so that she could call her. This caused the sister to take great offense. You shouldn't call people names if you didn't even bother to read their post.

Her sister was probably annoyed (stressed!) that Op, who had basically called to chat, kept asking her questions knowing that her minutes were rapidly disappearing as they spoke. After they hung up, it sounds as though sis replayed the conversation in her head and felt bad about her abruptness - tried to smooth things over "I want to talk to you!" but Op had already gone into sulk mode - Apology not accepted! And all poor sis was trying to do was pick up milk before her kid got out of school...

Now Op is the wronged victim. And sis is a big old meanie. Well - I will be the lone one to say. Nope. Op, you sound high drama. Sorry.

You are entitled to your opinion. If my sister was stressed about her minutes, she was under no obligation to answer the phone in the first place. She could have texted to let me know that and asked me to call her at home. That is what someone who values relationships and other people would do. You sound just like my sister, making excuses for rudeness when really, there are none. You honestly have nothing of value to add here and you've made your point.

You called HER out of the blue and you seriously believe that it is her fault that she didn't explain her minute situation in detail beforehand? Most people have btdt with the minute situation. It's not an uncommon thing. And YOU were incredibly rude for making a fed case out of something so..stupid. How dare she answer her own phone. Lady - you need to get a grip.

Wow. It's now an offensive thing to call a family member - OUT OF THE BLUE, NO LESS - to ask how they are doing? And it's perfectly acceptable to bite that person's head off if your minutes are low? Amazing. This world is full of really screwy people. OP's sister is obviously in good company.

Good grief. It's fine to call someone out of the blue. But when they say "Hey, I'm low on minutes can you speed it up?" you don't act like you've just been stabbed in the eye with a fork. You realize that your long distance call is draining their minutes and you don't keep yammering on about making arrangements to chat. Especially when you are supposedly calling the person out of concern for THEM. I am the only one who sees this? Wow.

And I was a psych minor in college, lol.

Yes. You are the only one who thinks the OP is a pill and high drama for asking one question. And did you slide right over the part where the sister said it was a perfectly fine time to talk? Would you say that if you were low on minutes? You just aren't right at all here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was she like this growing up? What do you think caused her emotional issues? Was your childhood stable? Are you sure you don't have any issues?

This is not germane to the conversation, which was how others have dealt with people with BPD. Why are you asking?

I am trying to understand how one sibling gets it but not the other.

I see, and I have wondered the same thing. We all have dealt with depression and anxiety. There are significant age differences between us kids and our family circumstances were different for each of us at different stages. My sister with BPD is the youngest and basically grew up without our father. My older sister had the most stability at an early age, and I was old enough to remember things and put them in context as a teen/adult in a way that my younger sister did not/could not. Each of us has made different choices in education, spouses/partners, careers, and whether or not to seek therapy and I think that has a lot to do with how we have each dealt with our challenges. I nipped in the bud early and am blessed with a wonderful spouse and extended family on his side, as well as wonderful friends. They are all people who support me and tell me the truth. My younger sister has made different choices and has not been so fortunate. I can see now where she had tendencies beginning in her teen years and that they have gotten much worse as she's gotten older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was she like this growing up? What do you think caused her emotional issues? Was your childhood stable? Are you sure you don't have any issues?

This is not germane to the conversation, which was how others have dealt with people with BPD. Why are you asking?

I am trying to understand how one sibling gets it but not the other.

Kids can be treated very differently by their parents. Family dynamics are an interesting thing.

A stereotypical example of this would be:

Golden child, can do no wrong in the eyes of his/her parent. (often first born)

Middle child - always takes a back seat to the first born. The scapegoat of the family.

Baby - the doted on little one who gets away with a ton and never really develops a sense of self reliance.

Which child do you think is most likely to receive a diagnosis of BPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at Gunderson Residence at Mclean Hospital near Boston.

And be very aware that your parents will not live forever, and if your sibling is dependent on them for emotional support or financial support, have a plan in place for when she is "abandoned" by them when they pass away. Those will be very rough times.

OP here. I missed your post. . .can you expand on this? She has extreme relationships with our parents - flying into action as their protector/defender one minute, loathing them as unsupportive and hateful the next. My father is not in the best of health and I know that when he does pass it will be ugly, particularly since I'm not close with him and I will not have the devastated reaction she will expect is "proper." The idea that his death will be an abandonment for her is a big one - especially since it will be for the second (multiple?) time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at Gunderson Residence at Mclean Hospital near Boston.

And be very aware that your parents will not live forever, and if your sibling is dependent on them for emotional support or financial support, have a plan in place for when she is "abandoned" by them when they pass away. Those will be very rough times.

OP here. I missed your post. . .can you expand on this? She has extreme relationships with our parents - flying into action as their protector/defender one minute, loathing them as unsupportive and hateful the next. My father is not in the best of health and I know that when he does pass it will be ugly, particularly since I'm not close with him and I will not have the devastated reaction she will expect is "proper." The idea that his death will be an abandonment for her is a big one - especially since it will be for the second (multiple?) time.

For us, after they were gone there were multiple suicide attempts, so make sure wherever she is you have contacts you can call to check in on her and help her at least a little. It's hand to have local police and sheriff and maybe the local crisis hotline.

Also, all the energy she expends on them will likely be directed to who is left in her life, i.e. maybe you? any friends? but in our scenario there was co-dependency issues and depending on the parents for emotional regulation (since BPD is really the absence of emotional regulation).

Just realize, your parents may be deflecting a lot of your sister's most stressing behaviors, and if you keep her in your life after you are gone, you may well be on the receiving end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

I don't think you read carefully. The OP offered to call her sister at home, and when the sister said she wasn't home, asked her where she was so that she could call her. This caused the sister to take great offense. You shouldn't call people names if you didn't even bother to read their post.

Her sister was probably annoyed (stressed!) that Op, who had basically called to chat, kept asking her questions knowing that her minutes were rapidly disappearing as they spoke. After they hung up, it sounds as though sis replayed the conversation in her head and felt bad about her abruptness - tried to smooth things over "I want to talk to you!" but Op had already gone into sulk mode - Apology not accepted! And all poor sis was trying to do was pick up milk before her kid got out of school...

Now Op is the wronged victim. And sis is a big old meanie. Well - I will be the lone one to say. Nope. Op, you sound high drama. Sorry.

You are entitled to your opinion. If my sister was stressed about her minutes, she was under no obligation to answer the phone in the first place. She could have texted to let me know that and asked me to call her at home. That is what someone who values relationships and other people would do. You sound just like my sister, making excuses for rudeness when really, there are none. You honestly have nothing of value to add here and you've made your point.

You called HER out of the blue and you seriously believe that it is her fault that she didn't explain her minute situation in detail beforehand? Most people have btdt with the minute situation. It's not an uncommon thing. And YOU were incredibly rude for making a fed case out of something so..stupid. How dare she answer her own phone. Lady - you need to get a grip.

Wow. It's now an offensive thing to call a family member - OUT OF THE BLUE, NO LESS - to ask how they are doing? And it's perfectly acceptable to bite that person's head off if your minutes are low? Amazing. This world is full of really screwy people. OP's sister is obviously in good company.

Good grief. It's fine to call someone out of the blue. But when they say "Hey, I'm low on minutes can you speed it up?" you don't act like you've just been stabbed in the eye with a fork. You realize that your long distance call is draining their minutes and you don't keep yammering on about making arrangements to chat. Especially when you are supposedly calling the person out of concern for THEM. I am the only one who sees this? Wow.

And I was a psych minor in college, lol.

Yes. You are the only one who thinks the OP is a pill and high drama for asking one question. And did you slide right over the part where the sister said it was a perfectly fine time to talk? Would you say that if you were low on minutes? You just aren't right at all here.

O.k. it would be weird for a person who is stressed out about their minutes being drained to say - Oh, this is a good time to talk. I think what sis meant is - the time is fine (I want to talk to you! I'm not too busy!), but the situation with my minutes is bad. It can be aggravating when something so obvious needs to be explained in great detail to a person who, for whatever the reason, feels personally dissed by it. But sis couldn't breathe minutes into her phone - it was the reality she was dealing with in that moment in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

I don't think you read carefully. The OP offered to call her sister at home, and when the sister said she wasn't home, asked her where she was so that she could call her. This caused the sister to take great offense. You shouldn't call people names if you didn't even bother to read their post.

Her sister was probably annoyed (stressed!) that Op, who had basically called to chat, kept asking her questions knowing that her minutes were rapidly disappearing as they spoke. After they hung up, it sounds as though sis replayed the conversation in her head and felt bad about her abruptness - tried to smooth things over "I want to talk to you!" but Op had already gone into sulk mode - Apology not accepted! And all poor sis was trying to do was pick up milk before her kid got out of school...

Now Op is the wronged victim. And sis is a big old meanie. Well - I will be the lone one to say. Nope. Op, you sound high drama. Sorry.

You are entitled to your opinion. If my sister was stressed about her minutes, she was under no obligation to answer the phone in the first place. She could have texted to let me know that and asked me to call her at home. That is what someone who values relationships and other people would do. You sound just like my sister, making excuses for rudeness when really, there are none. You honestly have nothing of value to add here and you've made your point.

You called HER out of the blue and you seriously believe that it is her fault that she didn't explain her minute situation in detail beforehand? Most people have btdt with the minute situation. It's not an uncommon thing. And YOU were incredibly rude for making a fed case out of something so..stupid. How dare she answer her own phone. Lady - you need to get a grip.

Wow. It's now an offensive thing to call a family member - OUT OF THE BLUE, NO LESS - to ask how they are doing? And it's perfectly acceptable to bite that person's head off if your minutes are low? Amazing. This world is full of really screwy people. OP's sister is obviously in good company.

Good grief. It's fine to call someone out of the blue. But when they say "Hey, I'm low on minutes can you speed it up?" you don't act like you've just been stabbed in the eye with a fork. You realize that your long distance call is draining their minutes and you don't keep yammering on about making arrangements to chat. Especially when you are supposedly calling the person out of concern for THEM. I am the only one who sees this? Wow.

And I was a psych minor in college, lol.

Yes. You are the only one who thinks the OP is a pill and high drama for asking one question. And did you slide right over the part where the sister said it was a perfectly fine time to talk? Would you say that if you were low on minutes? You just aren't right at all here.

O.k. it would be weird for a person who is stressed out about their minutes being drained to say - Oh, this is a good time to talk. I think what sis meant is - the time is fine (I want to talk to you! I'm not too busy!), but the situation with my minutes is bad. It can be aggravating when something so obvious needs to be explained in great detail to a person who, for whatever the reason, feels personally dissed by it. But sis couldn't breathe minutes into her phone - it was the reality she was dealing with in that moment in time.

OH. MY. GOD. Enough already! Get a hobby! Go hijack another thread. You really can't see the forest for the trees, can you?

[Anonymous]

12:33, do you think you are more qualified to infer what the sister meant than the person ACTUALLY in the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at Gunderson Residence at Mclean Hospital near Boston.

And be very aware that your parents will not live forever, and if your sibling is dependent on them for emotional support or financial support, have a plan in place for when she is "abandoned" by them when they pass away. Those will be very rough times.

OP here. I missed your post. . .can you expand on this? She has extreme relationships with our parents - flying into action as their protector/defender one minute, loathing them as unsupportive and hateful the next. My father is not in the best of health and I know that when he does pass it will be ugly, particularly since I'm not close with him and I will not have the devastated reaction she will expect is "proper." The idea that his death will be an abandonment for her is a big one - especially since it will be for the second (multiple?) time.

For us, after they were gone there were multiple suicide attempts, so make sure wherever she is you have contacts you can call to check in on her and help her at least a little. It's hand to have local police and sheriff and maybe the local crisis hotline.

Also, all the energy she expends on them will likely be directed to who is left in her life, i.e. maybe you? any friends? but in our scenario there was co-dependency issues and depending on the parents for emotional regulation (since BPD is really the absence of emotional regulation).

Just realize, your parents may be deflecting a lot of your sister's most stressing behaviors, and if you keep her in your life after you are gone, you may well be on the receiving end.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. This will definitely be something for us to think about. Hopefully it is still a few years down the road.

[Anonymous]

Not trying to hijack, but to the PP who thinks s/he may have BPD. I did as a teenager and young adult and now don't.

It took years of work. Like you, I knew there was something wrong with the way I interacted with people, but I couldn't stop myself from lashing out. And yes, I was emotionally manipulative because I had no confidence that people would stick around and be kind and there for me unless I manipulated them into doing so. I had no faith in myself or others.

At the time, I don't believe there was DBT. I tried talk therapy and it was useless. What worked was being relentlessly self aware and honest with myself. I would also model behavior of friends whom I admired. I sought their advice on how to handle conflict. I made all kinds of rules for myself, like the sleep on it rule, the 10-second rule, etc. Now these things are second nature for me. But at the time it was all foreign.

I also read and put into practice the book "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. I practiced rewiring my brain. And I got on an SSRI to manage my anxiety.

I couldn't be more different now then I was 20 years ago. Happily married, great kids and friendships, the drama and conflict that pretty much defined my young adulthood is now just a difficult memory. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to hijack, but to the PP who thinks s/he may have BPD. I did as a teenager and young adult and now don't.

It took years of work. Like you, I knew there was something wrong with the way I interacted with people, but I couldn't stop myself from lashing out. And yes, I was emotionally manipulative because I had no confidence that people would stick around and be kind and there for me unless I manipulated them into doing so. I had no faith in myself or others.

At the time, I don't believe there was DBT. I tried talk therapy and it was useless. What worked was being relentlessly self aware and honest with myself. I would also model behavior of friends whom I admired. I sought their advice on how to handle conflict. I made all kinds of rules for myself, like the sleep on it rule, the 10-second rule, etc. Now these things are second nature for me. But at the time it was all foreign.

I also read and put into practice the book "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. I practiced rewiring my brain. And I got on an SSRI to manage my anxiety.

I couldn't be more different now then I was 20 years ago. Happily married, great kids and friendships, the drama and conflict that pretty much defined my young adulthood is now just a difficult memory. GL

Wow. Good for you that you caught it early and were surrounded by people who cared enough to tell you the truth. I think you are probably the rare exception, from what I can gather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:33, do you think you are more qualified to infer what the sister meant than the person ACTUALLY in the conversation?

Interesting question. Maybe. Because I don't get the sense that Op is as self aware or as blameless as she thinks she is. But that seems not to be the popular opinion here so I will let you carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to hijack, but to the PP who thinks s/he may have BPD. I did as a teenager and young adult and now don't.

It took years of work. Like you, I knew there was something wrong with the way I interacted with people, but I couldn't stop myself from lashing out. And yes, I was emotionally manipulative because I had no confidence that people would stick around and be kind and there for me unless I manipulated them into doing so. I had no faith in myself or others.

At the time, I don't believe there was DBT. I tried talk therapy and it was useless. What worked was being relentlessly self aware and honest with myself. I would also model behavior of friends whom I admired. I sought their advice on how to handle conflict. I made all kinds of rules for myself, like the sleep on it rule, the 10-second rule, etc. Now these things are second nature for me. But at the time it was all foreign.

I also read and put into practice the book "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. I practiced rewiring my brain. And I got on an SSRI to manage my anxiety.

I couldn't be more different now then I was 20 years ago. Happily married, great kids and friendships, the drama and conflict that pretty much defined my young adulthood is now just a difficult memory. GL

Wow. Good for you that you caught it early and were surrounded by people who cared enough to tell you the truth. I think you are probably the rare exception, from what I can gather.

New PP here. This is interesting. I too had elements of BPD, although mild, when I was younger. My mother was borderline but died when I was in my teens. I too have worked hard to develop better coping behaviors and re-wire my brain, and I'm a different person today than in my early years. Therapy helped me. Also, I was fortunate to have some good people in my life who showed me my fears of abandonment weren't necessary. I've since read that there's some research suggesting that some people outgrow their BPD as they reach middle-adulthood. This is something to think about too.

[Anonymous]

Lots of young people also demonstrate Narcissism in early adulthood which is later outgrown. In fact, a narcissistic stage may now be considered to be within the range of normal development.

I think we need to be careful how we apply these labels to people.