Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

[Anonymous]

You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Yup, this.

[Anonymous]

People with borderline personality disorder have great difficulty regulating their emotions and tend to see people and situations in very black/white terms. They don't have a healthy image of themselves and they project that onto other people, meaning that they tend to have highly unstable relationships with friends and family, even when they honestly do care about that person and mean no harm.

Boundary setting and understanding this isn't your fault are the way to go. It's really hard not to take all this personally but doing so is essential. You sound like a good sister, OP. Even when your sister is nasty and difficult she probably appreciates this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just say Hi sis! I was thinking of you today and wanted to tell you that I love you. "

Given her status, I would avoid asking her any questions.

You sound like a great sister!

[Anonymous]

You are such a sweet sister.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And adjust your expectations, she will always be like this and no amount of sweetness on your part will ever get her to come around.

I have a SIL who has BPD, we haven't spoken to her in 12 years. It's been heaven. I have a lot more $ since I'm not always being asked, I don't have to have her in my home for days at a time cooking and waiting on her, and I don't get 15 ridiculous phone calls every week about every single problem she has and how horrible I am at helping her.

Not saying to cut her off but it was truly the best thing I have ever done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just say Hi sis! I was thinking of you today and wanted to tell you that I love you. "

Given her status, I would avoid asking her any questions.

You sound like a great sister!

But that's what I tried to do. I couldn't even get that out of my mouth before the crazy started. In all honesty, this is why I generally limit communication with her to text. We don't live in the same state and aren't often together (which frankly is a good thing). Speaking by phone or in person is just a recipe for disaster. I should know better at this point. It's just that sometimes it's easier to get the full update on her current situation by phone rather than by texting all flippin day long.

I guess I'll revert to my other strategy - let my mom (a champion enabler/exuse maker if there ever was one) get the details and relay them. Problem is, I usually don't trust my mom's version of the story either, because she has a powerfully distorted mental filter herself, or doesn't even think to ask basic questions.

Sigh. It's a miracle I'm functional, I tell ya.

[Anonymous]

I've suspected that my brother has borderline personality disorder. Some may be stronger than me, but I decided I couldn't have any relationship with him, at all, ever.

He started telling me that my other siblings didn't care about me. He would go to them and complain about me, rather than have a conversation with me. He would accuse me of being jealous, if I pushed back on his issues (manipulation, lying, total unreliability, rage/anger, etc).

I can't do it. It breaks my heart that this also means not having a relationship with his kids, but I need to look out for myself. OP, you have permission to do whatever you need to do, to help and take care of yourself first.

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing the right things, OP. That doesn't mean it isn't annoying and exhausting. Keep fighting the good fight and remember to enjoy your own life! It sounds like you've earned that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are such a sweet sister.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And adjust your expectations, she will always be like this and no amount of sweetness on your part will ever get her to come around.

I have a SIL who has BPD, we haven't spoken to her in 12 years. It's been heaven. I have a lot more $ since I'm not always being asked, I don't have to have her in my home for days at a time cooking and waiting on her, and I don't get 15 ridiculous phone calls every week about every single problem she has and how horrible I am at helping her.

Not saying to cut her off but it was truly the best thing I have ever done.

I know, I know. What scares me right now is that her personal situation is so precarious, and so emotionally fraught, and she is so woefully unequipped to deal with it, and has no family around, and to be honest, I worry that she will spiral futher down and hurt herself. I really do. I am terrified that I will be attending a funeral at some point. So I can't, in good conscience, cut her off right now. I have in the past, but I just can't right now. I know her problems are not mine to fix, and I am not trying to fix them. But I can try my best to be there for her as much as I am able without being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are such a sweet sister.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And adjust your expectations, she will always be like this and no amount of sweetness on your part will ever get her to come around.

I have a SIL who has BPD, we haven't spoken to her in 12 years. It's been heaven. I have a lot more $ since I'm not always being asked, I don't have to have her in my home for days at a time cooking and waiting on her, and I don't get 15 ridiculous phone calls every week about every single problem she has and how horrible I am at helping her.

Not saying to cut her off but it was truly the best thing I have ever done.

I know, I know. What scares me right now is that her personal situation is so precarious, and so emotionally fraught, and she is so woefully unequipped to deal with it, and has no family around, and to be honest, I worry that she will spiral futher down and hurt herself. I really do. I am terrified that I will be attending a funeral at some point. So I can't, in good conscience, cut her off right now. I have in the past, but I just can't right now. I know her problems are not mine to fix, and I am not trying to fix them. But I can try my best to be there for her as much as I am able without being a doormat.

You need a lesson in "whose problem is this"?

Here's your first question: "Whose problem is it that she has alienated every person in her life that cares about her?"

(no hints, you have to figure it out)

Okay, just kidding with you. But you get my message. Her problems are not your problems, the issue is that you believe that they are. She has convinced you that her problems are yours and you are in agreement which is why you keep trying to help her. Believe it or not you aren't making her better by doing this, you are making her less able to take care of herself.

Be gentle with yourself and separate. And ignore the stupid post above mine that says you are a pill, that person probably has BPD.

[Anonymous]

Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

I don't think you read carefully. The OP offered to call her sister at home, and when the sister said she wasn't home, asked her where she was so that she could call her. This caused the sister to take great offense. You shouldn't call people names if you didn't even bother to read their post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've suspected that my brother has borderline personality disorder. Some may be stronger than me, but I decided I couldn't have any relationship with him, at all, ever.

He started telling me that my other siblings didn't care about me. He would go to them and complain about me, rather than have a conversation with me. He would accuse me of being jealous, if I pushed back on his issues (manipulation, lying, total unreliability, rage/anger, etc).

I can't do it. It breaks my heart that this also means not having a relationship with his kids, but I need to look out for myself. OP, you have permission to do whatever you need to do, to help and take care of yourself first.

OP here. I understand. I really do. My sister thinks it is my job to be a doormat for her rage and listen to her complain and rant non-stop because "that's what family does." Never mind that she never asks about me, doesn't seem to truly care about my life, or my child, or my husband. Her ideas about reciprocity in relationships and her memories of our childhood are severely distorted. You always have to walk on eggshells with her. I'm honestly sad for her, and I fear (know) that this means I will probably not have a relationship with my infant nephew either. His father is also a mess. Not only can't I help her, I can't help the baby either. I do what I need to do, and I make sure to take care of myself, trust me. Those battles have been hard fought.

Just. . .ugh. That's all. Thanks for chiming in about your experience. It is good to know that others have dealt with this too.