Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

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OP here. Can you explain the bold part a bit more? I'm struggling to understand what that means.

I can only speak about my family dynamic, but I was brought up to believe that "authentic" relationships were ones where you had a lot of crying and fighting and emotional turmoil. Sound crazy? It was.

Every time I would have a real knock down drag out with one of my parents, it would end with them hugging and kissing me, really happy "we had had this talk" and don't we all just feel so much better and closer now? Uh, no. I felt emotionally wrecked, but I was brought up to understand this was a necessary struggle you had to have with people to be truly close to them, and relationships that had not been tested by fire were some how shallow and fake.
Literally one parent would hit me and then when I cried pull me close and comfort me and tell me how much I was loved and why did I always have to push things so far, ha ha ha, c'mon smile, you know I love you. That sort of thing. Just typing this makes my stomach clench. By the time I was in HS I was neck-deep in drama.

OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can see where a this is a little bit like my family, but more from my father whom my sister spent very little time around. So it's still hard for me to understand what her experience could have been that would make her feel this way. I do know that her descriptions of our family growing up are vastly different from my own recollections. I don't know if that's attributable to our age difference or what, but it's always baffled me. We fought as siblings, but nothing more dramatic than what lots of siblings do - but I wonder if her experience of that was somehow different because of how little she was and the fact that my father was absent from the picture. I do know her perception of what family relationships "should" be like (her word) is a lot like what you wrote in bold.

She may have a very different tolerance for chaos than you do. Some people are hyper-sensitive to emotional issues as kids and that contributes to their development of BPD. You may have gotten lucky and gotten a tougher, less hyper-sensitive temperament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more thing from Former, here. Thanks you all for letting me share this. It is a great relief.

As for recognizing you have BPD, I remembered this morning that a few years ago, not that long actually, I went to a therapist about anxiety and she diagnosed me with BPD and I basically said "Eff you" in my mind and never went back.

So yeah, it took a long time to accept the "label" and don't expect your loved ones to be excited about slapping a psychiatric label on themselves.

Congratulations on your recovery! It's a really hard thing to accept and a really hard thing to recover from. You sound like you are doing a great job!

Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, my brother has undiagnosed BPD. I have basically cut all ties with him because he sabotages every single relationship he has ever had and I simply can't trust him at all. The relationship is not worth the emotional abuse he delivers and the constant meddling and need to know from him just got too exhausting.

Anyway in order to understand what I was dealing with, and also to help my sister in law through their divorce I ended up reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (Mason and Kreger) as part of a recommendation here. It was very helpful for me to hear the examples in the book that are exactly like my brother. They give ways to respond to situations and emphasize that you can only control your reaction to a situation and that you can't change that person. In many instances the behavior stems from a fear of abandonment. Oh the irony considering this is exactly what my brother did to his wife (soon to be ex-wife) and his kids.

Highly recommend the book for specific things to avoid and suggestions for interacting with a person who has BPD.

Former here again. Sorry you are dealing with this with your brother. I wanted to comment that while it may be ironic he has a fear of abandonment and yet is abandoning his family, it is a hallmark of BPD. Reject before you are rejected; abandon before you are abandoned; hurt before you are hurt.

BPDs are SO SURE that all interpersonal relationships will end in pain and disaster they try to ensure that they will be on the winning end. So they sabotage things.

I can't speak to your brother's 's or the PP wife's motivations, but for me I grew up in a family where there was abuse, emotional manipulation, real abandonment etc. I was "taught" this way of interpersonally relating to people who were close to me. That you should expect people who love you to also cut you off emotionally, turn on you and abuse you and that it has nothing to do with how much they love you, in fact it just means they love you a whole lot!!

Anyway, just a little insight from the frightened and warped mind of a BPD.

OP here. Can you explain the bold part a bit more? I'm struggling to understand what that means.

Agree, I'm the PP here and I don't understand how any of this means he loves me. I almost laughed out loud when I read that. I fear with fewer and fewer people willing to be in his crosshairs for having their lives messed with, that his kids are next in line. We all grew up in the same house and he was never treated the way he treats people. It leaves my parents feeling helpless and wondering where they went wrong. My mother especially feels like she needs to try and fix things but she's only reinforcing his behavior. I only learned that by reading the book.

I simply refuse to be someone who reinforces his behavior and the easiest way to do that is to not be involved at all. I can coexist with him but won't engage him in any way. Maybe it's abandonment from an emotional investment standpoint, but not necessarily a physical one.

[Anonymous]

Sorry PP I just read your response on the other page. You said "crazy attracts crazy" and I'd say that's definitely true in describing the relationship with my SIL and my brother. The two of them together was a terrible combination, toxic and volatile really. I think she'll see that once this is all over.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can see where a this is a little bit like my family, but more from my father whom my sister spent very little time around. So it's still hard for me to understand what her experience could have been that would make her feel this way. I do know that her descriptions of our family growing up are vastly different from my own recollections. I don't know if that's attributable to our age difference or what, but it's always baffled me. We fought as siblings, but nothing more dramatic than what lots of siblings do - but I wonder if her experience of that was somehow different because of how little she was and the fact that my father was absent from the picture. I do know her perception of what family relationships "should" be like (her word) is a lot like what you wrote in bold.

OK, Former here. A few things you should realize, one is that there is a strong genetic component to BPD that your sister may have that you don't. Doesn't mean she was bound to get it if she did inherit the tendency, just that genes play a huge role.

So she could "interpret" conflict and rejection differently that a "normally" wired brain. You may have been able to brush things aide because you have a healthy coping mechanism, while hers is wired wrong.

The second issue is that she may possibly have experienced some abuse or violence outside the family that triggered this "cascade" of fears. This is also common for BPDs.

Thanks. I very much appreciate you sharing your story and your perspective. It has truly been extremely helpful.

[Anonymous]

NP here, and I downloaded the "Walking on Eggshells" book. On the one hand, it explains so much about my sibling. On the other hand, I feel so frustrated. Because sibling will always be the way they are (unless they choose to get help). For my own peace, I cannot be around their volatility and attacks. Loving one second, lashing out the next.

In a way, I've learned to mourn them. Sibling is still alive. They have a job. They are married with kids. But I had to sever that relationship and mourn them like they're fully gone. It's sad, but for me, there's no way I can maintain contact and a relationship with someone who has lost their footing in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I can see where a this is a little bit like my family, but more from my father whom my sister spent very little time around. So it's still hard for me to understand what her experience could have been that would make her feel this way. I do know that her descriptions of our family growing up are vastly different from my own recollections. I don't know if that's attributable to our age difference or what, but it's always baffled me. We fought as siblings, but nothing more dramatic than what lots of siblings do - but I wonder if her experience of that was somehow different because of how little she was and the fact that my father was absent from the picture. I do know her perception of what family relationships "should" be like (her word) is a lot like what you wrote in bold.

OK, Former here. A few things you should realize, one is that there is a strong genetic component to BPD that your sister may have that you don't. Doesn't mean she was bound to get it if she did inherit the tendency, just that genes play a huge role.

So she could "interpret" conflict and rejection differently that a "normally" wired brain. You may have been able to brush things aide because you have a healthy coping mechanism, while hers is wired wrong.

The second issue is that she may possibly have experienced some abuse or violence outside the family that triggered this "cascade" of fears. This is also common for BPDs.

Thanks. I very much appreciate you sharing your story and your perspective. It has truly been extremely helpful.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, and I downloaded the "Walking on Eggshells" book. On the one hand, it explains so much about my sibling. On the other hand, I feel so frustrated. Because sibling will always be the way they are (unless they choose to get help). For my own peace, I cannot be around their volatility and attacks. Loving one second, lashing out the next.

In a way, I've learned to mourn them. Sibling is still alive. They have a job. They are married with kids. But I had to sever that relationship and mourn them like they're fully gone. It's sad, but for me, there's no way I can maintain contact and a relationship with someone who has lost their footing in reality.

Who are you mourning? Are you actually mourning the loss of this real person or are you mourning the fact that the person will never be who you want them to be?

Is this a "Wow this person used to be so nice and we used to be so close and now he/she has changed" or "you know, I really never clicked with him/her and I'm just done dealing with his/her sh*t"?

I ask this mainly because you say that you are mourning, grieving your decision to stay away from this sibling. I'm assuming that you used to be close to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, and I downloaded the "Walking on Eggshells" book. On the one hand, it explains so much about my sibling. On the other hand, I feel so frustrated. Because sibling will always be the way they are (unless they choose to get help). For my own peace, I cannot be around their volatility and attacks. Loving one second, lashing out the next.

In a way, I've learned to mourn them. Sibling is still alive. They have a job. They are married with kids. But I had to sever that relationship and mourn them like they're fully gone. It's sad, but for me, there's no way I can maintain contact and a relationship with someone who has lost their footing in reality.

Who are you mourning? Are you actually mourning the loss of this real person or are you mourning the fact that the person will never be who you want them to be?

Is this a "Wow this person used to be so nice and we used to be so close and now he/she has changed" or "you know, I really never clicked with him/her and I'm just done dealing with his/her sh*t"?

I ask this mainly because you say that you are mourning, grieving your decision to stay away from this sibling. I'm assuming that you used to be close to them?

Honestly? It's hard to say.

I used to look up to this person. In getting closer to my sibling, I also saw some very ugly parts of them - namely the BPD side, but other aspects of their personality. The mirage of who I thought they were is shattered.

They have some pretty typical "splitting," and the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr Hyde description of people with BPD is very fitting. There are nice, loving, generous parts of their personality. There are also angry, viscous, and abusive parts of them. So I guess I mourn the "positive" side I've seen--though they're now intertwined with the ill part of them.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever had someone with borderline personality, try and draw others into their court? Lie, manipulate, and get others to gang up on you, making you feel like you're the crazy one? Is this typical borderline behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former here again, to the PP with the wife, does she think her behavior is a problem? Does she care that she's alienated her family?

If she does, she can be helped. One problem with BPD is that they cannot recognize the connection between their behavior and the outcome. You can help her realize that her behavior helps shape the negative outcomes she is experiencing. This may sound obvious to most people, but BPD have low-impulse control and they truly do not see this.

I remember "teaching" myself that when i was upset I should think about what I wanted to do (lashing out) and what the end result was that I wanted (to be loved, accepted) and whether the first would take me on the road to the second. and if not WHERE did the first road lead? and also, WHAT was the road to the second result.

So I would allow myself to feel the rage, write about it, fume about it, maybe vent to a close friend, but NOT act on it with the involved party. Then, when I was calmer, take the action that i thought would bring me the result I wanted.

This felt a) fake and b) incredibly frightening to admit I was feeling hurt when it felt so much "safer" to lash out in anger, which made me feel in control.

It is a learning process.

Dear Former, I hope you are still out there? I am curious what led you to the self realization that you had a problem? Did you seek therapy? I am really wondering what it took for you to change? I am struggling with my DW who is now alienated from everyone in her and my family. She doesn't she that she is the common denominator in all her interpersonal relationship problems and blames everyone else. Just yesterday she raged for three hours and when I calmly told her that if she was going to continue behaving as she was at the time, I did not want to be around her. My boundary setting does not seem to work. I am really at a loss of what do other than file for divorce at this point. It is a miserable life!

[Anonymous]

BPD usually comes from some form of childhood abuse. That makes it very difficult to recover from. The person you were supposed to trust (parent figure) was instead abusive. It is the mental version of being wheel chair bound -- a very serious condition that may be impossible to over come. Like you would not ask someone paralyzed in a wheel chair to just stand up and start walking would you? So be careful what you are throwing around -- BPD is NOT just being a manipulative mean person. Much more than that, and sadly, usually not curable. The behaviors can be changed by a lot of effort, but the under lying condition -- severe lack of trust is usually permanent. Kudos to those who are able to recover from this.

[Anonymous]

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Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

I don't think you read carefully. The OP offered to call her sister at home, and when the sister said she wasn't home, asked her where she was so that she could call her. This caused the sister to take great offense. You shouldn't call people names if you didn't even bother to read their post.

Her sister was probably annoyed (stressed!) that Op, who had basically called to chat, kept asking her questions knowing that her minutes were rapidly disappearing as they spoke. After they hung up, it sounds as though sis replayed the conversation in her head and felt bad about her abruptness - tried to smooth things over "I want to talk to you!" but Op had already gone into sulk mode - Apology not accepted! And all poor sis was trying to do was pick up milk before her kid got out of school...

Now Op is the wronged victim. And sis is a big old meanie. Well - I will be the lone one to say. Nope. Op, you sound high drama. Sorry.

You are entitled to your opinion. If my sister was stressed about her minutes, she was under no obligation to answer the phone in the first place. She could have texted to let me know that and asked me to call her at home. That is what someone who values relationships and other people would do. You sound just like my sister, making excuses for rudeness when really, there are none. You honestly have nothing of value to add here and you've made your point.

NP here. The thing is OP, nobody is perfect. Not every fault in your relationship is going to be because of her or her illness. I think everyone has something that sets them off, but if you ignore those triggers it's hardly fair. For example, my mom gets really tense before flying, so I try to be extra patient.

I know this is difficult, but you do seem a bit dramatic about it. Just realize that you will make mistakes too, which will hopefully increase your compassion for her.

[Anonymous]

OP You seem a bit overly dramatic to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You seem a bit overly dramatic to me.

If you ever have the bad luck to be forced to interact extensively with a BPD, this smug perspective is going to change. Just a matter of fact.