Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are such a sweet sister.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And adjust your expectations, she will always be like this and no amount of sweetness on your part will ever get her to come around.

I have a SIL who has BPD, we haven't spoken to her in 12 years. It's been heaven. I have a lot more $ since I'm not always being asked, I don't have to have her in my home for days at a time cooking and waiting on her, and I don't get 15 ridiculous phone calls every week about every single problem she has and how horrible I am at helping her.

Not saying to cut her off but it was truly the best thing I have ever done.

I know, I know. What scares me right now is that her personal situation is so precarious, and so emotionally fraught, and she is so woefully unequipped to deal with it, and has no family around, and to be honest, I worry that she will spiral futher down and hurt herself. I really do. I am terrified that I will be attending a funeral at some point. So I can't, in good conscience, cut her off right now. I have in the past, but I just can't right now. I know her problems are not mine to fix, and I am not trying to fix them. But I can try my best to be there for her as much as I am able without being a doormat.

You need a lesson in "whose problem is this"?

Here's your first question: "Whose problem is it that she has alienated every person in her life that cares about her?"

(no hints, you have to figure it out)

Okay, just kidding with you. But you get my message. Her problems are not your problems, the issue is that you believe that they are. She has convinced you that her problems are yours and you are in agreement which is why you keep trying to help her. Believe it or not you aren't making her better by doing this, you are making her less able to take care of herself.

Be gentle with yourself and separate. And ignore the stupid post above mine that says you are a pill, that person probably has BPD.

Thanks, PP. But believe me - I know her problems are not mine. I am the one explaining to everyone else in my family that we are not responsible for solving her problems, and the ways that we can, while maintaining healthy boundaries, try to support her. And again, I am not trying to make her better - I am simply trying to maintain contact and be supportive as best I can, understanding that she is mentally ill and that there is now a child involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having btdt with the whole low minute thing (needing to leave enough so that my kids could get a hold of me if they needed to), it's possible that she came across abrupt and rude. When really what she was saying was the truth - "I want to talk to you, but I can't talk long on this phone because it's about to go dead". When she got to a phone that she could call you from, YOU ignored her call because you "don't like drama".

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a pill yourself. Sorry.

Unfortunately, interacting with someone with BPD can be excruciating even for the most patient of people. The OP did the best he/she could. I have a sibling with BPD and I've had to essentially cut off all contact. It's not about avoiding "drama". It is about avoiding getting sucked into the person's view of reality. Ignoring a phone call/email/text/whatever from a loved one with BPD is often the only solution. Effective DBT treatment (often with meds) is VERY VERY helpful for some portion of people with BPD, but that's something the OP's sister would need to decide that she wants.

OP was doing what was right for him/her.

[Anonymous]

So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

Can I ask what makes you think you may have BPD? Would you be willing to share some of your experiences?

[Anonymous]

Borderline's anxeity is set off by fears of abandonment. You need to have strong boundaries, but the silent treatment is only going to increase your sisters yoyo behavior with you. Communicate clearly to her. "Got your call but can't talk right now." "I didn't appreciate your tone on the phone we can talk later" depending on your comfort level with the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

OP here. My understanding is yes, it is treatable. A PP mentioned DBT - dialectical behavioral therapy, which is an offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on learning actual skills for managing social interactions, behaviors, etc. From what I can tell you need to choose a therapist who is trained in DBT and if, like my sister, you live in a small town, those practitioners can be hard to come by. http://www.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Inform_Yourself/About_Mental_Illness/About_Treatments_and_Supports/Dialectical_Behavior_Therapy_(DBT).htm

You also have to commit to the process. In my sister's case she spent years denying she had any problems, insisting she is not "crazy," refusing to take medication (I don't need to be DRUGGED), etc. From my experience people with BPD have difficulty accepting that anything is wrong with them and therefore do not stick with therapy. In my mind, the very fact that you think you may have this problem is a good sign for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

That's the borderline talking. They are very black and white, so you are either all bad or all good to them. Stop trying to get her approval. Stop caring about her disapproval. It's always going to be based on distorted thinking, whichever you get.

Your options are limited. You aren't going to fix her. You aren't responsible for fixing her. You also aren't responsible for solving her problems. Figure out what your limits are for rescuing her and stick to them. (I created a $1000 "bail money" fund for my family member with BPD. That was my limit for rescuing them.) When she's being unpleasant, disengage. When she's being dramatic, disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

It is very treatable through the RIGHT therapy and sometimes meds.

DBT has been shown to be one of the most effective treatments (as opposed to the typical treatment from therapists which is CBT...cognitive behavior therapy)
http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

[Anonymous]

In our family it's my MIL. It's been eye-opening to say the least. I knew nothing of personality disorders before I met her. I actually can't really watch much reality tv anymore, because I think producers pick people with personality disorders because their behavior is so outrageous.

OP, the classic book for dealing with people with bpd is "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I have a copy but haven't looked at it yet - mil actually cut me off a couple of years ago after some outrageous behavior around my dad's funeral. It's better for me to not have to deal with her. It's easier for he to have sympathy for her when I'm not interacting with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

It is a difficult treatment process but it is treatable. You have to be willing to do some long term cognitive work to restructure your black/white thinking and to address the roots of your anxiety. Anxiety medication (mostly SSRIs) also helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:basic costs are problem, not the boogeyman of "consumerism"

http://www.wsj.com/articles/americans-reallocate-their-dollars-1417476499

Though the examples of people blowing past that data allowances and paying spiked cell phone bills does show an example of folly, but honestly that's more a factor of our duopoly cell phone market which keeps prices high and allows for this shady forms of billing. But consumers should take responsibility for that but I suspect OP is not running huge overages on their cell phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family it's my MIL. It's been eye-opening to say the least. I knew nothing of personality disorders before I met her. I actually can't really watch much reality tv anymore, because I think producers pick people with personality disorders because their behavior is so outrageous.

OP, the classic book for dealing with people with bpd is "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I have a copy but haven't looked at it yet - mil actually cut me off a couple of years ago after some outrageous behavior around my dad's funeral. It's better for me to not have to deal with her. It's easier for he to have sympathy for her when I'm not interacting with her.

OP here. Thanks for the book suggestion. It's "funny" because for years I've been saying that dealing with her is like walking on eggshells and that I will not do that. She was recently diagnosed BPD and to be honest I haven't had time to research the disorder a whole lot. For me, understanding brings acceptance/peace, so I think the book could help. Can't believe I hadn't even thought of doing an Amazon search - there's a ton out there about this. I didn't even know what BPD was until about a month ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

Can I ask what makes you think you may have BPD? Would you be willing to share some of your experiences?

I think the worst of people. Deep trust issues. Difficulty regulating emotions. My ex left me because of all this. Yes, I acknowledge I have issues and want only the best for him and my friends. It's extremely hard for me to trust. I have noticed that I am paranoid about people trying to use somehow. I am
Miserable and want to change so badly. But I am afraid it's impossible. You see, I did have bad life experiences - physical abide by a family member, then betrayal by best friends and one boyfriend. At the same time, I do like to socialize and am a good mom (well, even my so-sick-of-me ex admits it)...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

Can I ask what makes you think you may have BPD? Would you be willing to share some of your experiences?

I think the worst of people. Deep trust issues. Difficulty regulating emotions. My ex left me because of all this. Yes, I acknowledge I have issues and want only the best for him and my friends. It's extremely hard for me to trust. I have noticed that I am paranoid about people trying to use somehow. I am
Miserable and want to change so badly. But I am afraid it's impossible. You see, I did have bad life experiences - physical abide by a family member, then betrayal by best friends and one boyfriend. At the same time, I do like to socialize and am a good mom (well, even my so-sick-of-me ex admits it)...

Use me
Physical abuse


I forgot to mention that I am in therapy but it seems like my therapist is sick of me as well. I fell sruxk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is this a treatable thing? I am afriad I have it

Can I ask what makes you think you may have BPD? Would you be willing to share some of your experiences?

I think the worst of people. Deep trust issues. Difficulty regulating emotions. My ex left me because of all this. Yes, I acknowledge I have issues and want only the best for him and my friends. It's extremely hard for me to trust. I have noticed that I am paranoid about people trying to use somehow. I am
Miserable and want to change so badly. But I am afraid it's impossible. You see, I did have bad life experiences - physical abide by a family member, then betrayal by best friends and one boyfriend. At the same time, I do like to socialize and am a good mom (well, even my so-sick-of-me ex admits it)...

Use me
Physical abuse


I forgot to mention that I am in therapy but it seems like my therapist is sick of me as well. I feel stuck and lonely. The only thing that makes me happy is my child. I know I need to get back on my feet and believe in better me but it's so hard. And I keep beating myself up for ruining our family with my idiotic behavior.