Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young people also demonstrate Narcissism in early adulthood which is later outgrown. In fact, a narcissistic stage may now be considered to be within the range of normal development.

I think we need to be careful how we apply these labels to people.

When would you characterize the end of "early adulthood?" 25? 30? 35? I disagree that accepting narcissism as a condition of modern young adults is normal. Just because society is contributing to this epidemic does not make it normal, healthy or acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

OP You cannot relate to someone who is poor? She is running out of minutes on her plan? You need to be a B**th about this why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young people also demonstrate Narcissism in early adulthood which is later outgrown. In fact, a narcissistic stage may now be considered to be within the range of normal development.

I think we need to be careful how we apply these labels to people.

When would you characterize the end of "early adulthood?" 25? 30? 35? I disagree that accepting narcissism as a condition of modern young adults is normal. Just because society is contributing to this epidemic does not make it normal, healthy or acceptable.

It's a stage that people go through in their late teens/early 20's. And it diminishes over time after that as you gain more life experience. It's not like you have it at 21 and it's gone at 26.

Our parents went through it, our grandparents went through it - it is not unique to modern times. Young adults can be very, very self centered. But maturity has a way of tempering that.

But in some people there is no lessening of the symptoms and the problem actually seems to get worse and worse with time (pathological). Experience seems to make them just that more adept at manipulating others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young people also demonstrate Narcissism in early adulthood which is later outgrown. In fact, a narcissistic stage may now be considered to be within the range of normal development.

I think we need to be careful how we apply these labels to people.

When would you characterize the end of "early adulthood?" 25? 30? 35? I disagree that accepting narcissism as a condition of modern young adults is normal. Just because society is contributing to this epidemic does not make it normal, healthy or acceptable.

It's a stage that people go through in their late teens/early 20's. And it diminishes over time after that as you gain more life experience. It's not like you have it at 21 and it's gone at 26.

Our parents went through it, our grandparents went through it - it is not unique to modern times. Young adults can be very, very self centered. But maturity has a way of tempering that.

But in some people there is no lessening of the symptoms and the problem actually seems to get worse and worse with time (pathological). Experience seems to make them just that more adept at manipulating others.

I agree it's not unique in modern times but the goalpost keeps getting pushed back. Adults who should know better and be capable of accepting responsibility for themselves are using this whole concept of extended adolescence as an excuse to behave in immature and irresponsible ways. And there is nothing "normal" about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Yes, that is why I question which sister has it.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

OP You cannot relate to someone who is poor? She is running out of minutes on her plan? You need to be a B**th about this why?

Way to miss the point entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Yes, that is why I question which sister has it.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

Hi pot, meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young people also demonstrate Narcissism in early adulthood which is later outgrown. In fact, a narcissistic stage may now be considered to be within the range of normal development.

I think we need to be careful how we apply these labels to people.

When would you characterize the end of "early adulthood?" 25? 30? 35? I disagree that accepting narcissism as a condition of modern young adults is normal. Just because society is contributing to this epidemic does not make it normal, healthy or acceptable.

It's a stage that people go through in their late teens/early 20's. And it diminishes over time after that as you gain more life experience. It's not like you have it at 21 and it's gone at 26.

Our parents went through it, our grandparents went through it - it is not unique to modern times. Young adults can be very, very self centered. But maturity has a way of tempering that.

But in some people there is no lessening of the symptoms and the problem actually seems to get worse and worse with time (pathological). Experience seems to make them just that more adept at manipulating others.

I agree it's not unique in modern times but the goalpost keeps getting pushed back. Adults who should know better and be capable of accepting responsibility for themselves are using this whole concept of extended adolescence as an excuse to behave in immature and irresponsible ways. And there is nothing "normal" about that.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

OP You cannot relate to someone who is poor? She is running out of minutes on her plan? You need to be a B**th about this why?

I think this is backwards. OP called her sister, and her sister was abrupt to the point of being rude. You can be poor and still be courteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Yes, that is why I question which sister has it.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

It is odd that Op would call what she has described as an unstable person and then act surprised, insulted when that person acts...unstable (according to Op).

At this point, I'm on team Sis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Yes, that is why I question which sister has it.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

It is odd that Op would call what she has described as an unstable person and then act surprised, insulted when that person acts...unstable (according to Op).

At this point, I'm on team Sis.

More projection. And really, who cares what team you are on? Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.

Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.

Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.

I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.

Yes, that is why I question which sister has it.

Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?

Have you ever known someone with BPD and at been at the receiving end of irrational anger and rages? If not, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

It is odd that Op would call what she has described as an unstable person and then act surprised, insulted when that person acts...unstable (according to Op).

At this point, I'm on team Sis.

More projection. And really, who cares what team you are on? Troll.

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with that person? My sister was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense. I know that she is mentally ill but her behavior leaves me frustrated and feeling that attempts to engage in a relationship with her will always be one-sided and pointless. It has been like this for nearly 20 years.

Case in point:

She is going through a tough time right now, and I have been supportive both emotionally and financially. (Understand that, knowing her, I expect neither gratitude nor reciprocity.) Last night I called her to check in and see how she is doing. This is how the conversation went down:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: (Cuts me off.) Who is your cell phone provider?
Me: Ummm...AT&T? Why?
Her: I don't have a lot of minutes left this month.
Me: Okay. I think I have your home phone in my phone. Are you at home right now?
Her: No.
Me: Oh, where are you? (Germane question due to her current situation.)
Her: Why does it matter? What do you want?
Me: (Pause to gather myself.) I was just calling to see how you've been, but I can see this isn't a good time to talk. I can call you later.
Her: It's a perfectly good time to talk, I just don't have time to talk about where I am and what I'm doing. So get to the point.
Me: I think we should talk later. Have a good night.
Her: Fine, bye.

Two minutes later I get a text "I am happy to talk now but I don't want to waste minutes explaining that I don't have minutes. LOL"
Then, 45 minutes later, this text: Call me at home later XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Then, an hour later, she calls me from home. I ignore her call because really, I just can't engage in another of these crazy conversations where, on the basis of absolutely nothing, she is hostile and snippy. She is utterly incapable of engaging in a normal conversation and never communicates unless she wants/needs something. She has no concern about anyone else (or at least, can't express concern about anyone else sincerely). I am alternatively a role model she places on a pedastal or a complete bitch who doesn't care about her and has never "been there" enough. No matter what I do, I can't win. I care about my sister and I want to help, but I don't have time in my life to engage in the drama, nor the patience to endure all of her slings and arrows.

So what can I do? Cut her off? Find a way to let it all roll off my back? Pointing out her behavior is useless - I've tried, and she is defensive and will always insist that her reaction is, in her mind, your fault. There is no way that I can fix her, so I feel like my options are limited. Thoughts? Experience?

OP You cannot relate to someone who is poor? She is running out of minutes on her plan? You need to be a B**th about this why?

I think this is backwards. OP called her sister, and her sister was abrupt to the point of being rude. You can be poor and still be courteous.

And Op's sister tried to explain why she was rude and she did call Op back but Op wasn't answering the phone, blah, blah. blah. So what can Op's sister do to make this right? I'm guessing that Op's sister has pretty much forgotten about this whole weird conversation by now.