My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

+1. Plus while what OP describes may be unusual for the DMV, there are plenty of areas in the country where it is more common. Especially with college costs being what they are, if someone has no intention of putting a degree to use, then they may not see the point in going just to get an Mrs. degree.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

You don't think it's weird that she'd rather be homeless than get a job?

Men who do not care about women's careers or brains still want someone who doesn't have crippling anxiety or pathological laziness or whatever it is that's causing this girl to spend several years of her life doing very, very little. They want someone who's capable and motivated and will pass on good genes and raise children well. This girl *thinks* she'll be a good SAHM, but I am skeptical of that because she's clearly got some sort of problem and is failing right now to develop the life skills she will need to be a good SAHM.

I mean, I don’t know her personally, so I can’t speak to why she doesn’t want a job. And you keep moving the goalposts. If she knows how to cook and clean, she’ll probably be fine. Parenting is nit rocket science. Graduating college with a communications degree, will not make you a better mother. Many parents around the world are successful, and uneducated. Plenty of people choose not to work for all kinds of reasons — it doesn’t automatically mean they’re lazy or have mental health issues. Maybe she always wanted to be a SAHW or SAHM, and that’s perfectly valid.

It's not because she wants to be a SAHW/M. It's because she would ***rather be homeless than get even a part-time job***. That is what's strange about this!

And it's also weird that a law student would be okay with a wife who acts this way.

I actually kind of wonder if there isn't an underlying undiagnosed issue, like ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

Niece is essentially working for you as an unpaid live in nanny/au pair. If she was not doing all that stuff for your household, who would do it? You a SAHM or combo WFH and you'd have to pay people? What does she clean? Master bath included? She still on her parents health insurance? Larger issues here than having the fiance over for meals and going on a vacation.

She lives in your house. Has a date been set for her wedding? If she was your daughter, the fiancé would be around. Is she from your husbands side or one of your sibs children? Do her GP or parents know about the engagement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

Niece is essentially working for you as an unpaid live in nanny/au pair. If she was not doing all that stuff for your household, who would do it? You a SAHM or combo WFH and you'd have to pay people? What does she clean? Master bath included? She still on her parents health insurance? Larger issues here than having the fiance over for meals and going on a vacation.

She lives in your house. Has a date been set for her wedding? If she was your daughter, the fiancé would be around. Is she from your husbands side or one of your sibs children? Do her GP or parents know about the engagement?

OP said she doesn't actually do very much of that work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

Adults take responsibility for themselves. They don't just "choose" not to work and mooch off relatives in exchange for minimal household chores. And they certainly don't expect to invite their fiance on other people's vacations.

She can be treated as an adult when she acts like an adult.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of this Utah young woman whose sisters are influencers, college-educated, married to professionals. Meanwhile she is a self-defined "stay at home daughter", dropped out of college and beauty school and she babysits once in a while for her sisters. She is not able to find a husband (her only goal) and wonders why. It's one thing to not want to go to college but another to be fine doing nothing at all as other adults pay for your everything until marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

Adults take responsibility for themselves. They don't just "choose" not to work and mooch off relatives in exchange for minimal household chores. And they certainly don't expect to invite their fiance on other people's vacations.

She can be treated as an adult when she acts like an adult.

She's still an adult. You can't force her to wake up at 6am, or not watch TV. You can't continue to boss your adult child around by manipulating them because their still financially dependent. Being financially dependent isn't what makes someone an adult, age does.

[Anonymous]

She's basically working for you as an unpaid nanny OP.

If she's old enough to get engaged, she's old enough to stop family vacations and stay with her fiance while you are gone.

She also should not have him at your house while you are not physically present, and she should see him at his place at those times, since he lives alone. Never leave the kids alone with just him and her, not a good idea.

It's time she gets at least a part time job in addition to helping you out, and learn to start to live on her own. If she does plan to be married to her fiance soon, it's time to mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

Adults take responsibility for themselves. They don't just "choose" not to work and mooch off relatives in exchange for minimal household chores. And they certainly don't expect to invite their fiance on other people's vacations.

She can be treated as an adult when she acts like an adult.

She's still an adult. You can't force her to wake up at 6am, or not watch TV. You can't continue to boss your adult child around by manipulating them because their still financially dependent. Being financially dependent isn't what makes someone an adult, age does.

You absolutely can have expectation that a young able bodied adult should have some sort of paying job. I expect that from both my college kids in the summer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a different version of this post pretty routinely. So odd.

Here is the most recent one:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1324014.page

+1. Weird obsession, OP. Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

Adults take responsibility for themselves. They don't just "choose" not to work and mooch off relatives in exchange for minimal household chores. And they certainly don't expect to invite their fiance on other people's vacations.

She can be treated as an adult when she acts like an adult.

She's still an adult. You can't force her to wake up at 6am, or not watch TV. You can't continue to boss your adult child around by manipulating them because their still financially dependent. Being financially dependent isn't what makes someone an adult, age does.

Yes you can wake people up, it's called Being Very Loud.

This isn't OP's child and OP has no obligation to support her at all. So if this overgrown teen wants to live in OP's house, OP can make any rules OP wants to. If the girl doesn't like it, she can move out and choose to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

+1. Plus while what OP describes may be unusual for the DMV, there are plenty of areas in the country where it is more common. Especially with college costs being what they are, if someone has no intention of putting a degree to use, then they may not see the point in going just to get an Mrs. degree.

It's not common: usually girls who want to get married and have kids either:
go to college to get a MRS degree, or
go to community college or
get a part time / full time job if they have no desire to go to college at all. Even a full time job as a nanny.

They don't live at home with their parents and do nothing, or live with their aunt and "volunteer" to help take care of the house and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

Adults take responsibility for themselves. They don't just "choose" not to work and mooch off relatives in exchange for minimal household chores. And they certainly don't expect to invite their fiance on other people's vacations.

She can be treated as an adult when she acts like an adult.

She's still an adult. You can't force her to wake up at 6am, or not watch TV. You can't continue to boss your adult child around by manipulating them because their still financially dependent. Being financially dependent isn't what makes someone an adult, age does.

Yes you can wake people up, it's called Being Very Loud.

This isn't OP's child and OP has no obligation to support her at all. So if this overgrown teen wants to live in OP's house, OP can make any rules OP wants to. If the girl doesn't like it, she can move out and choose to get a job.

She has a fiance with his own apartment. Why isn't she living with him?

[Anonymous]

The situation does not make sense. He's in law school so likely not working now. Is he paying her expenses with his summer internship money, or are his parents funding them both? It's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did they meet?

You said he’s in law school - does he study a lot? What year is he? If first or second, does he have a summer job? If third year, does he have a permanent job? Is he taking the bar this summer?

Has she met his friends? Does he have friends from college/law school?

They met on a dating app (Hinge). He’s in his third year, and will have a permanent job, and is taking the bar this summer, yes. She has met his friends.

My niece is my brothers child. She isn’t talking to her parents right now because she doesn’t want to have contact with them. Maybe that’ll change later, maybe it won’t. My niece isn’t lazy or incapable. She just wants to stay at home, and become a mother/wife. Circumstances can change and her fiancé might not be able to support her in the future, but she’ll always have family (including me), and her parents to turn to for help. My niece has life skills, and knows how to do a lot. Her parents have taught her so much. She’ll be fine. OP