My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t pay for her vacation, let alone the boyfriend’s. I cannot believe she asked you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t she have a job? Even a part time one? How long have she and her fiancé been together? Have you discussed with her that it is important that she be able to support herself (ie a man is not a plan)?

She is working for free for op.

She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

It sounds like she is working for op in exchange for room and board. Not free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t she have a job? Even a part time one? How long have she and her fiancé been together? Have you discussed with her that it is important that she be able to support herself (ie a man is not a plan)?

She is working for free for op.

She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

It sounds like she is working for op in exchange for room and board. Not free.

OP said "She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping."

That's not very much work.

[Anonymous]

N no ow that shes engaged she should maybe move out .. go live w her fiancée

No more free help for you OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her no on bringing the "fiancé." If it means she doesn't go, great.

Also, I'd be worried about sexual molestation. Make sure he isn't around your kids alone.

Do you like him? Is there a wedding date set?

What on earth in OP's post makes you worry about this? Do you move throughout the world concerned that every single male is a sexual perdator? - a woman

Yeah, seriously lady. Did you grow up in some sort of trashy environment with handsy uncles?

[Anonymous]

It’s not too late to start she is only 20 years old she can perfectly get a job and go to school to work force and get a certificate just for now. Then she can go to college. She is not going to die . She is going to get married life keeps going its not the end. She should not have kids yet. If she wants to be married she can but life keeps going there is a lot to do with her life. Not just get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP

FFS. It's your job to help her understand that "choosing" to be supported by her husband carries certain risks and that she may not actually have that choice. Her choices now have consequences long-term that you need to help her comprehend.

If she'd rather live in a homeless shelter than get a job, something is very wrong here. And it's your job to help her grow up, not enable her to be a perpetual child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP

FFS. It's your job to help her understand that "choosing" to be supported by her husband carries certain risks and that she may not actually have that choice. Her choices now have consequences long-term that you need to help her comprehend.

If she'd rather live in a homeless shelter than get a job, something is very wrong here. And it's your job to help her grow up, not enable her to be a perpetual child.

She’s smart and understands the risks. There’s really so much you can do to force a 19 year old to do things. What would you advise me do? She’s getting married now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP

FFS. It's your job to help her understand that "choosing" to be supported by her husband carries certain risks and that she may not actually have that choice. Her choices now have consequences long-term that you need to help her comprehend.

If she'd rather live in a homeless shelter than get a job, something is very wrong here. And it's your job to help her grow up, not enable her to be a perpetual child.

She’s smart and understands the risks. There’s really so much you can do to force a 19 year old to do things. What would you advise me do? She’s getting married now.

Require her to get a paid job as a condition of living with you. She needs to get over this notion that other people will support her while she is choosing to be lazy. The lessons she will learn from a paid job are so valuable and important to her personal development. If she moves in with him, at least you will have given her a reality check about this.

She is really at risk that he will decide a naive, lazy, uneducated wife is not what he wants and not someone he wants for raising his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her no on bringing him. You need to pump the brakes on this relationship lest she marry him and become a dependent child wife-- it won't go well long term because he'll get bored. They should not move in together.

She sounds like she just can't cope as an adult, at all, and you need to start baby steps-ing her towards it. Mainly have her get a job, even if it's just babysitting for someone else.

She cooks, cleans, babysits, and grocery shops. I have a sibling who is a female doctor and cannot do any of that. When she adopted and went part-time, she had to hire staff to do all these things. Different strengths. Both people have value and contribute to society.