My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her no on bringing him. You need to pump the brakes on this relationship lest she marry him and become a dependent child wife-- it won't go well long term because he'll get bored. They should not move in together.

She sounds like she just can't cope as an adult, at all, and you need to start baby steps-ing her towards it. Mainly have her get a job, even if it's just babysitting for someone else.

She cooks, cleans, babysits, and grocery shops. I have a sibling who is a female doctor and cannot do any of that. When she adopted and went part-time, she had to hire staff to do all these things. Different strengths. Both people have value and contribute to society.

She does very little of those things! Being a SAHM with an entire house to manage (not just clean, but maintain long-term) and plan and cook ALL meals, not just shopping from someone else's list, is a very different skill set. This girl is an adult with the responsibilities of a high school dropout babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Do her a favor and sit her down to have a big girl conversation. You can compliment her on finding a nice guy who’s hopefully going to have a good job, but telling her how she should set them up for much more success by contributing financially now because it’s a mature decision. She should start working and buying things for her house. She can offset weddings costs - buy a dress, etc. She is sponging and you all are not just allowing, but encouraging it!

Basically you - and she- need to consider her and her fiancé as their own family and separate them from your family. They should be out doing their own things on weekends, not attached to yours. Fine for some weekend bbqs or something, but she is not your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

+1

People are being harsh. Not everyone wants to work a 9 to 5. It’s 2026, women should be allowed to choose to stay home. My SIL dropped out of college after meeting her husband, who was in med school at the time. She never went back to school or worked a job. She stayed home and raised five kids, it’s been twenty five years and her marriage is going strong. Hopefully, it works out well for OPs niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

In what generation was it okay to sponge off your relatives and do hardly any work at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

It’s ageism (towards the young). They think a 19yo girl who lays around and does nothing is inherently incapable, and so they believe she doesn’t have any home making skills. It might be true for some, but not all.

[Anonymous]

Engaged is: a ring and a date
Ring only if she wants it. Date, is important
Otherwise they aren't "engaged"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

Her parents tried the tough love approach and the aunt screwed that up by letting the slacker move in with her.

+1 Enabler.

Unfortunately we BTDT and now we are the bad guys too for not putting up with the slacker.

OP, I hope your relationship does not end like ours did, she does not talk to us anymore over asking her to be responsible. Our family, and her family fell apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

My grandparents married straight out of high school and my grandmother worked for a year until her first kid was born. In 1944. Many women did. Unless you were very upper crust it was pretty normal for young women to work at least until they married and often until they had kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow why aren’t you paying her for her labor? She is your au pair. She is gaining experience in running a household and childcare. You are taking advantage of her. Pay her properly, give her nights and weekends off, tell her you won’t need her to come with you during your vacation time, that’s her time off to do what she wants. Bc you definitely weren’t planning to use her during your vacation for unpaid babysitting, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

It’s ageism (towards the young). They think a 19yo girl who lays around and does nothing is inherently incapable, and so they believe she doesn’t have any home making skills. It might be true for some, but not all.

I don’t know about incapable, but sure sounds lazy. Why can’t she have even a part time job? I would have been ashamed to be a freeloader at that age. I worked part time through college so that I wouldn’t be.

[Anonymous]

So if she's 19 now and gets married within the year she won't even be able to have a champagne toast at her own wedding.
OP, you sound like a nice and and I probably would take in any of my nieces and nephews too but as a caring and I would offer the advice that she needs to take some adult responsibility for her life on her own. Not her mother not her aunt not her fiance/ husband.
Don't you think so?