My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

OP, what was your exit plan when you took her in in the first place? She's 19 and not working and not in school? Were you going to let this go on indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

Ehhh.
Wish her well w her engagement.
Deal with it until she’s married.

Sure their focus will shift away from you as they start their married life.

[Anonymous]

Tell her no on bringing him. You need to pump the brakes on this relationship lest she marry him and become a dependent child wife-- it won't go well long term because he'll get bored. They should not move in together.

She sounds like she just can't cope as an adult, at all, and you need to start baby steps-ing her towards it. Mainly have her get a job, even if it's just babysitting for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

[Anonymous]

Tell her no on bringing the "fiancé." If it means she doesn't go, great.

Also, I'd be worried about sexual molestation. Make sure he isn't around your kids alone.

Do you like him? Is there a wedding date set?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

Her parents tried the tough love approach and the aunt screwed that up by letting the slacker move in with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

Her parents tried the tough love approach and the aunt screwed that up by letting the slacker move in with her.

Worded a bit harshly but there is truth here.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t she have a job? Even a part time one? How long have she and her fiancé been together? Have you discussed with her that it is important that she be able to support herself (ie a man is not a plan)?

[Anonymous]

She is working as your household help. I hope you are paying her.

She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t she have a job? Even a part time one? How long have she and her fiancé been together? Have you discussed with her that it is important that she be able to support herself (ie a man is not a plan)?

She is working for free for op.

She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if it’s one cruel PP or multiple, but it sounds like niece is putting in the work to earn her keep. How much would OP have paid for an Au pair, which sounds exactly like what the niece is doing (and more… never heard of an au pair who grocery shopped). Maybe she has always wanted to be a wife and SAHM. Not all families have to be dual income.

As far as having the finance around, why not include him at specific times you’re comfortable with but set firm boundaries. For example, Saturday is our family day, but we’d welcome him over for Sunday dinner (or whatever). It’s your house so you should absolutely be clear as to if and when he can hang out there, no overnight stays, etc.

[Anonymous]

I had to stop too. Some of it might be an exchange for rent, but if she is doing so much around the house and with the kids, maybe that warrants some pay.

OP, can you tell us how many hours a week she puts into all of these things? If she’s not in school, she really should have some kind of job.

Do not suggest she moves in with her fiancé. Let her live with you until she gets married, since surely there is a wedding date on the horizon? Also encourager to make up with her parents. I think for me, whether I invited him on family vacations, and so on would depend on how long they been dating, whether the engagement is real when they have a date planned (as opposed to one of these free, floating engagements with no specific timeline), and maybe my financial situation. I would include him to family dinners and holidays and things like that, but I don’t think I would pay for his vacation. And I think it’s fair to tell your niece that sometimes you want things just to be the family, and you look forward to him joining the family, but he’s not quite there yet. If he’s in law school, hopefully that means he will be stable and steady. But your niece has to be able to support herself as an adult. Otherwise, she is too vulnerable and the power imbalance in the relationship as a result of her financial dependence on him will not be healthy for their relationship.

[Anonymous]

She is welcome to stay if she chooses. She was vulnerable, and had no where to live, so I couldn’t say no to letting her live with us. Her parents tried to encourage her to get a job, but she declined. Her fiancé is kind, from a well-to-do family, and they have been together for nearly a year. She understands the importance of not relying on a partner, but currently wants to stay at home. Her fiancé covers all her expenses. She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping. Before her engagement, we covered all her expenses, with her fiancé contributing as well. The engagement is genuine, and she is actively planning the wedding, which is expected within the year. I will need to tell her about specific family and non-family time expectations.
,OP.

[Anonymous]

I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.