Daughter prefers to stay home

[Anonymous]

My DD is 19. Last year she didn’t get into her top-choice college and after that lost interest in going at all, even though she got into other very good schools, just not the college she wanted.

At home, she’s great—very nice, respectful, helps around the house, close with her siblings, and we spend a lot of time together. We get along well. She also has a BF (he’s a nice kid, currently a 21yo college senior studying neuroscience) and she sees him regularly—they go out to dinner, spend time together on weekends and breaks, etc. She’ll also participate in family activities outside the house.

What’s changed is that she really doesn’t like leaving the house otherwise. We used to do things together all the time—run errands, go shopping, just normal day-to-day outings—and now she has no interest in that at all. She avoids some important things, like preferring telehealth instead of going to doctor appointments in person or putting off things that require her to go out.

She doesn’t seem depressed—she’s engaged at home and in a good mood overall. It’s more that she seems very content staying in unless it’s something she really wants/needs to do.

How concerning does this sound? Is this just a phase or something more concerning?

[Anonymous]

But she goes out to dinner with her boyfriend? Maybe she just would rather stay home and study or do other things than run errands.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll post. DD isn’t in college but also doesn’t have a job?

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify: does she have a job? Or is she attending a local college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify: does she have a job? Or is she attending a local college?

No job, doesn’t attend a local college.

[Anonymous]

Has she said why?

[Anonymous]

Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

[Anonymous]

Is this a troll? Why on earth did you let her not attend college? HUGE parenting fail, OP.

Since I have relatives with that profile, I assume that she's on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum with debilitating social anxiety. You need a psychological evaluation to figure out a diagnosis, then the right treatment. She needs to enroll in community college then transfer to a state university, and work in the summer to get work experience.

Crack the whip, OP. The situation is not going to magically resolve itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

[Anonymous]

What was she like in HS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

To me it’s not about the job, it’s about helping your DC realize that it’s not a “real” life choice to sit around while someone else pays for your life. Being in college or going to school is their “job” when they are younger, but if they aren’t in school and are otherwise capable, they need to be doing something useful with their lives. Volunteering would also be fine with me.

We are wealthy and we focus on hard work, not achievements. My kids are given a lot of opportunities and material things, and our expectation is that in return they will work hard. At age 5, working hard probably just means tidying their toys, but by age 19, it absolutely means college or a job. It’s not about the money, it’s a value.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t she take a gap year at one of her admittances?

How’d a high schooler meet a college senior?

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

But what’s the long term plan? You’re at least 15 years older than she is- how will she support herself once you are gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

In a world where you don't need money, sure, OP.

Maybe you should have led with the wealth angle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

It’s called learning skills, being a productive member of society, building a resume, taking the financial burden off the parents, etc.