My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

lol. Sex, obviously. This is a dorky 25 year old man sleeping with what would be a college freshman or college sophomore! The guy is obviously a total creep. And the ring is probably cheap or not even real and he's just using the "engagement" to string her along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your niece have a developmental delay of some sort? Did she graduate high school with reasonably good grades? This situation doesn’t make any sense at all. And now she’s bagged a future lawyer? This can’t be real.

Oy vey. Doesn't mean he's going to be rich or even pass the bar. For the last 20 years, anyone with a pulse can go to law school. For most students, they're trapped in a mountain of student loan debt with dim job prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a different version of this post pretty routinely. So odd.

Here is the most recent one:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1324014.page

+1. Weird obsession, OP. Do you work?

I guess people don’t care that this is fake (or someone obsessed with this issue, as PP said and posting as different people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

It sounds like she has a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

It sounds like she has a job.

It's nowhere near full time, nor is it anywhere near the level of responsibility that a SAHW would.have even without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

It sounds like she has a job.

It's nowhere near full time, nor is it anywhere near the level of responsibility that a SAHW would.have even without kids.

How much time a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old niece lived with her parents until it was time to leave for college, but then decided she didn’t want to go. She stayed home doing very little, so eventually her parents told her she had to move out. She had nowhere else to go, so as her aunt, I let her move in with us. It’s been about a year and a half now, and she still doesn’t work or seem to have any concrete plans, but she is of great help. She does so much for us, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, babysits, drives kids around, and much more.

But she recently got engaged to her 24-year-old boyfriend, who is in law school and lives alone. She hasn’t told her parents about the engagement since they haven’t talked since she moved out. My issue now is that she wants him included in everything with our family, constantly around, and involved. There’s never really any separation. He’s a great guy though. My kids are little so I’m not sure how parents handle this.

At this point, what would you advise? Including involving her fiance in other activities (we’re currently on vacation, and she wants to invite him to our next). Should I encourage her to spend more time at his place, suggest they move in together if they’re engaged anyway, or encourage them to wait until marriage before living together?

It sounds like she has a job.

It's nowhere near full time, nor is it anywhere near the level of responsibility that a SAHW would.have even without kids.

How much time a week?

OP said "She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping."

So I'm not sure how much time but it certainly isn't the full workload of a SAHW. A SAHW would likely cook most meals, do most shopping and meal planning, also most cleaning and laundry, and also be responsible for bigger-picture things like budgeting, holiday planning, and home maintenance /dealing with landlord. Maybe lawn maintenance if there is one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so weird. Many young women all over the US, and the world, go straight from high school to married life. She doesn't need to go college or get a minimum wage job. She wouldn't even be able to afford living alone with a minimum wage job, so what's the point of her working if her man supports her financially? That's the way women lived in the past, and was the norm in ALL cultures and religions. Being a Stay at home daughter is a thing nowadays too. A lot of young women on social media live like that.

That's not what is weird. The weird part is she'd rather be kicked out and homeless than get any job even part-time. That is abnormal.

The point of working is to learn skills and save money btw. If he's dumb enough to fall for this, he won't make much as a lawyer.

She's not homeless. She lives with her auntie. She probably really didn't want to live with her parents, if they wouldn't be supportive of her dream to be a SAHM, so decided to move out. That's not weird.

But OP says she was willing to be homeless.

It's not about her dream of being a SAHM! It's about her abnormal refusal to get any education or job whatsoever. That is what her parents won't support, because they have common sense and know unemployment is unhealthy.

The normal thing to do if your dream is to be a SAHM is get a job or some education relevant to your goal, and then be a SAHM. It's easier to be a SAHM if you have some money saved, and some relevant experience. She could for example take classes in child development or work as a nanny to infants and toddlers.

You guys are latching on to this statement way too much. Teenagers say all sorts of stuff! It's not like she followed through on her threat to be homeless, she went right from her parents house to her aunt's house. Maybe if she had to actually fend for herself for a short time it would have changed her tune on finding a job.

But her aunt intervened and kept her from learning the lesson that her parents tried to teach her. I would be pretty livid with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP

FFS. It's your job to help her understand that "choosing" to be supported by her husband carries certain risks and that she may not actually have that choice. Her choices now have consequences long-term that you need to help her comprehend.

If she'd rather live in a homeless shelter than get a job, something is very wrong here. And it's your job to help her grow up, not enable her to be a perpetual child.

Agree. I know many stay at home moms but they have all had jobs and lived independently, supported themselves, etc. Some never got past entry level job and several roommates in a crappy apartment, but they nevertheless supported themselves. Others were lawyers, consultants, etc. who planned on being working moms but for whatever reason, decided to stay home. What I don't know is any SAHM who lived as a child/teen right up until getting married and literally never had any job or lived independently. I also worry her fiance is not going to respect her down the road. I know you mean well, but I think you are doing her a real disservice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Gotta be a troll post about a young wanna be trad wife.

She will soon have no power in this relationship and kids she is responsible for.

OP - do you speak to your brother and his wife? What are their feelings?

Estrangement from a child is heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

A few additional thoughts is case this is real.

For the Niece - marriage is long and challenging in the best of circumstances. I am in a very happy marriage of 24 years and we have successfully raised two children. Having the knowledge that I could leave and take care of my kids myself was incredibly important to know as I was navigating our relationship through the inevitable highs and lows. You won’t have that because you cannot take care of yourself independently, let alone a child.

OP - I think you have to think about what you are going to do when your niece has a child, her marriage falls apart and she still does not want to take actually responsibility for her life and comes to you asking to move in and take care of her and her child,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gotta be a troll post about a young wanna be trad wife.

She will soon have no power in this relationship and kids she is responsible for.

OP - do you speak to your brother and his wife? What are their feelings?

Estrangement from a child is heartbreaking.

+1. Creative writing old male incels fantasizing about marrying a naive and fertile teen girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gotta be a troll post about a young wanna be trad wife.

She will soon have no power in this relationship and kids she is responsible for.

OP - do you speak to your brother and his wife? What are their feelings?

Estrangement from a child is heartbreaking.

+1. Creative writing old male incels fantasizing about marrying a naive and fertile teen girl.

No one has any idea whether she’s fertile or not.

[Anonymous]

Not unheard of to marry at 19-20, just out of high school. Not unheard of a husband loving and respecting his uneducated wife with no independent funds.

I think people are just genuinely concerned that this path leaves the young woman so vulnerable, dependent on husband, dependent on husband’s family, with no education, limited choices, no financial security.

Who would wish this for their daughter? If OP is for real, I see a lot of disingenuousness here.

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to move in with the boyfriend. Then change all your locks. No need to evict her. Then wash your hands of her and let her earn her living on her back if that's her life's.gosl.