My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

There are some people in this board who really heavily factor in how much income someone earns with their worth. Complete barefaced greed, but it’s acceptable/a norm these days so people don’t see it for what it is

[Anonymous]

It’s a little weird she does not live with him. Does she feel some unspoken expectation to keep being, essentially, your au pair? It’s not really healthy bc it means she depends on him for money and you for housing, so she has no independence at all to show for. Unless she has some sort of big limitations then she should easily be able to find work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

There are some people in this board who really heavily factor in how much income someone earns with their worth. Complete barefaced greed, but it’s acceptable/a norm these days so people don’t see it for what it is

I think this situation is different tbh. Even the very very few sahms I know who never worked were not financially supported by a fiancé at their parents’ home. And it’s weird the fiancé wants to be included this much rather than have his fiancée at his house.

[Anonymous]

Where are her parents in all this? Are you on speaking terms even or are they mad at you?

[Anonymous]

She needs to spend her time on meaningful things. That could be going to school, engaging deeply in a hobby, working, or keeping up the house/yard/cars. But she needs to find some way to constructively spend 30-40 hours a week that doesn’t depend on you/her fiance.

Planning her wedding doesn’t count.

Sit her down and talk with her about what her 5-year plan is. And/or insist that the young couple do some premarital counseling. The issue isn’t necessary that she isn’t working; it’s that she isn’t doing much of anything that will lead to growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow why aren’t you paying her for her labor? She is your au pair. She is gaining experience in running a household and childcare. You are taking advantage of her. Pay her properly, give her nights and weekends off, tell her you won’t need her to come with you during your vacation time, that’s her time off to do what she wants. Bc you definitely weren’t planning to use her during your vacation for unpaid babysitting, right?

LOL. There's no way the value of her work exceeds the value of her room and board. She's not a full-time employee; she's a family member doing no more than contributing to the household. She's running errands, not "running a household."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

[Anonymous]

The man was her plan, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

You don't think it's weird that she'd rather be homeless than get a job?

Men who do not care about women's careers or brains still want someone who doesn't have crippling anxiety or pathological laziness or whatever it is that's causing this girl to spend several years of her life doing very, very little. They want someone who's capable and motivated and will pass on good genes and raise children well. This girl *thinks* she'll be a good SAHM, but I am skeptical of that because she's clearly got some sort of problem and is failing right now to develop the life skills she will need to be a good SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

There are some people in this board who really heavily factor in how much income someone earns with their worth. Complete barefaced greed, but it’s acceptable/a norm these days so people don’t see it for what it is

It's about not the income! It's that she seems super super lazy, or else has some sort of mental health problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right?

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do.

This. I would be mad as heck at you as my sister for interfering in launching my child. You have done her a great disservice by not backing up your sibling in insisting that she go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

No, it's because *as a lawyer* I know that having a wife who didn't go to college is really abnormal. Having a SAHM is not abnormal or stigmatized at all. But without a college education, she will not fit in and he (and she) will seem like a weird right-winger. If that's what he is, fine I guess. But it's not a normal thing for lawyers even if they are quite conservative. Nor is it a normal or socially acceptable thing to have a wife so lazy she'd rather be homeless than get a job.

Her fiance may be too young and naive to realize this, but eventually he's going to catch on, and it will affect their marriage. Then there go her SAHM dreams. I guess her OP could support her forever...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

Do you know many couples like op’s niece and her fiancé? I don’t know a single one, and that includes many sahms. It’s really unusual to never have had a job or gone to college and marry this young.

[Anonymous]

How did they meet?

You said he’s in law school - does he study a lot? What year is he? If first or second, does he have a summer job? If third year, does he have a permanent job? Is he taking the bar this summer?

Has she met his friends? Does he have friends from college/law school?