My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

eryin

Do you know many couples like op’s niece and her fiancé? I don’t know a single one, and that includes many sahms. It’s really unusual to never have had a job or gone to college and marry this young.

I only know people like this who are both blue collar/low-income or live in other countries. Or it can happen if they're in very niche religions that discourage women from working and being educated. To live this way as a mainstream person is really unusual. Non-right-wing men usually want their wife to have some education, and more life skills and motivation than OP's niece seems to have. And even right-wing men don't usually warm to the idea of someone so lazy she refuses to get any job at all.

It's *very* unusual for a man with a post-secondary degree to be okay with this long-term unless he really loves the idea of a wife who he thinks is incapable of life without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

You don't think it's weird that she'd rather be homeless than get a job?

Men who do not care about women's careers or brains still want someone who doesn't have crippling anxiety or pathological laziness or whatever it is that's causing this girl to spend several years of her life doing very, very little. They want someone who's capable and motivated and will pass on good genes and raise children well. This girl *thinks* she'll be a good SAHM, but I am skeptical of that because she's clearly got some sort of problem and is failing right now to develop the life skills she will need to be a good SAHM.

I mean, I don’t know her personally, so I can’t speak to why she doesn’t want a job. And you keep moving the goalposts. If she knows how to cook and clean, she’ll probably be fine. Parenting is nit rocket science. Graduating college with a communications degree, will not make you a better mother. Many parents around the world are successful, and uneducated. Plenty of people choose not to work for all kinds of reasons — it doesn’t automatically mean they’re lazy or have mental health issues. Maybe she always wanted to be a SAHW or SAHM, and that’s perfectly valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

It's ok because he is doing a lot of work and has adult skills. Managing a household is totally different from cooking now and then. Raising kids is totally different from fantasizing about raising kids but actually doing a small amount of babysitting.

So because she doesn’t work, that means she has no life skills? If she’s able to cook and clean now, why wouldn’t she be able to do it later? If she can babysit kids now, why wouldn’t she be able to take her if her own kids. All of this is really simple, and if she knows all of this now, then why wouldn’t she be capable later?

Because being responsible for all aspects of a child's upbringing and development is different from keeping a child safe and happy for a few hours here and there. Sure, she could figure it out, but parenting is not simple in the big picture and what she is doing now is not parenting.

Okay. She’ll figure it out, just like plenty of other parents do. Honestly, I notice a lot of bias and hatred toward this girl specifically. I think some women here are uncomfortable because they want to believe their husbands chose them for being smart, educated, and professional, so seeing an uneducated young girl land a future lawyer makes them angry because it reveals a truth they don’t want to admit: a lot of men do not actually care that much about women’s careers or brains, and women can still find good partners by staying home.

You don't think it's weird that she'd rather be homeless than get a job?

Men who do not care about women's careers or brains still want someone who doesn't have crippling anxiety or pathological laziness or whatever it is that's causing this girl to spend several years of her life doing very, very little. They want someone who's capable and motivated and will pass on good genes and raise children well. This girl *thinks* she'll be a good SAHM, but I am skeptical of that because she's clearly got some sort of problem and is failing right now to develop the life skills she will need to be a good SAHM.

I mean, I don’t know her personally, so I can’t speak to why she doesn’t want a job. And you keep moving the goalposts. If she knows how to cook and clean, she’ll probably be fine. Parenting is nit rocket science. Graduating college with a communications degree, will not make you a better mother. Many parents around the world are successful, and uneducated. Plenty of people choose not to work for all kinds of reasons — it doesn’t automatically mean they’re lazy or have mental health issues. Maybe she always wanted to be a SAHW or SAHM, and that’s perfectly valid.

It's not because she wants to be a SAHW/M. It's because she would ***rather be homeless than get even a part-time job***. That is what's strange about this!

And it's also weird that a law student would be okay with a wife who acts this way.

[Anonymous]

At this point your niece is essentially a daughter, you stepped in and I think you did the right thing.

As far as including him, how would you treat a soon to be SIL? I’d probably invite him to many local things but not the vacation. I’d present this to niece as a traditional milestone. Full family privileges come after the marriage.

Finally, if you and DH can sit down with the two of them and adult to adult voice your concerns about what would happen to niece and their future children if fiancé dies or is incapacitated, I would do that. Keep it judgment free. Maybe it will plant a seed in their mind that she should have something to fall back on.

I definitely would not push her to live with him before they marry. If she’s not bringing it up I would not either.

[Anonymous]

This is a fake post, people. Let’s end this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fake post, people. Let’s end this.

+1. So many tells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is welcome to stay if she chooses. She was vulnerable, and had no where to live, so I couldn’t say no to letting her live with us. Her parents tried to encourage her to get a job, but she declined. Her fiancé is kind, from a well-to-do family, and they have been together for nearly a year. She understands the importance of not relying on a partner, but currently wants to stay at home. Her fiancé covers all her expenses. She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping. Before her engagement, we covered all her expenses, with her fiancé contributing as well. The engagement is genuine, and she is actively planning the wedding, which is expected within the year. I will need to tell her about specific family and non-family time expectations.
,OP.

Is your relationship with your siblong strained now? It should be. You will understand this when your kids are older but you have done your niece a real disservice. She'll bd divorced in a few year with no skills and kids to feed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

+100x

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was born in the wrong generation. People here are bashing her, but in a different generation she'd be praised. Neither is right. Sure there are risks to getting married so young even shown buy research. She has skills that many professional women lack and the amount of bashing she gets isn't right. Feminism is about choices not forcing women to fit a certain mold.

How many generations are you going back? My mom was Silent Gen and expected to either attend college or get a job. So that would be five generations ago to get to Greatest Gen: Silent, Boomer, Gen X, Millennial and Z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

You fail to see that a professional would want a supportive spouse who can manage the home? My cousin is a partner in a law-firm and her husband did all these things-cook, clean, manage kids, and support her emotionally. Do you think he's a failure? Is it OK because he has a college degree?

There are some people in this board who really heavily factor in how much income someone earns with their worth. Complete barefaced greed, but it’s acceptable/a norm these days so people don’t see it for what it is

I think this situation is different tbh. Even the very very few sahms I know who never worked were not financially supported by a fiancé at their parents’ home. And it’s weird the fiancé wants to be included this much rather than have his fiancée at his house.

Moving in together is a big step. They haven't even been dating a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

He’s in law school and half of those guys are no bargain either. Not everyone needs a wedding, city hall and dinner out is all some people want. I would guess some occasions are fine to bring him and some aren’t.

She’s not causing problems, she’s working at the OPs house every day. I don’t see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

But he wants her and if there are no problems with him and he seems like a decent, smart and getting educated man, this family should embrace him. Trust me, jobless daughters could do much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did her parents not make her get a job? I wouldn't just have her move out, I would make life at home unappealing until she got a job. Curfews, mandatory 6 am wake up, no good TV, no grocery requests, no spending money, flip phone, she gets 3 hots and a cot but aside from that life becomes bare-bones.

No, she is an adult.

[Anonymous]

There is a different version of this post pretty routinely. So odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a different version of this post pretty routinely. So odd.

Here is the most recent one:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1324014.page