My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her no on bringing the "fiancé." If it means she doesn't go, great.

Also, I'd be worried about sexual molestation. Make sure he isn't around your kids alone.

Do you like him? Is there a wedding date set?

What on earth in OP's post makes you worry about this? Do you move throughout the world concerned that every single male is a sexual perdator? - a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is welcome to stay if she chooses. She was vulnerable, and had no where to live, so I couldn’t say no to letting her live with us. Her parents tried to encourage her to get a job, but she declined. Her fiancé is kind, from a well-to-do family, and they have been together for nearly a year. She understands the importance of not relying on a partner, but currently wants to stay at home. Her fiancé covers all her expenses. She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping. Before her engagement, we covered all her expenses, with her fiancé contributing as well. The engagement is genuine, and she is actively planning the wedding, which is expected within the year. I will need to tell her about specific family and non-family time expectations.
,OP.

You could say no. Or you could tell her to get a real job! Oh, but she "wants to stay at home" -- guess her family is obligated to support and enable her forever, then? Come on.

You think you are being kind but really you are robbing her of the experiences she needs to become an adult. It's fine to be a wife/SAHM, but that's not what this is. She isn't working anywhere near as hard as an actual wife/SAHM would and she doesn't have even slightly the amount of responsibility. She's an overgrown child and the farther she falls behind developmentally, the harder it will be to catch up.

Young men sometimes think they want a wife who's sweet and amiable and goes along with everything and looks up to them and never asks much of them. But eventually they get a little more perspective, they get bored of that and become embarrassed at their wife's lack of education and naivete, and want a relationship of equals. That's when things fall apart.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is probably not popular. She sounds great, and I'd welcome him.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her to move in with her BF. They've been together for years, he is a good guy so it's time they figure out life together. She clearly isn't finding any direction being unpaid guest at your home. If she is good at home chores and childcare, she can work as a nanny or a housekeeper to make money to contribute to their shared living.

[Anonymous]

Just cut the cord, like her parents did. She needs to learn adulting.

[Anonymous]

Does your niece have a developmental delay of some sort? Did she graduate high school with reasonably good grades? This situation doesn’t make any sense at all. And now she’s bagged a future lawyer? This can’t be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My opinion is probably not popular. She sounds great, and I'd welcome him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My opinion is probably not popular. She sounds great, and I'd welcome him.

If you need free house helper, driver and babysitter but not if you want her to go find work and be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

She is probably very attractive

[Anonymous]

She is only 19 so she'll evolve but for that she needs to be on her own. Don't come crying if her BF leaves her and your DH becomes her rescuer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is welcome to stay if she chooses. She was vulnerable, and had no where to live, so I couldn’t say no to letting her live with us. Her parents tried to encourage her to get a job, but she declined. Her fiancé is kind, from a well-to-do family, and they have been together for nearly a year. She understands the importance of not relying on a partner, but currently wants to stay at home. Her fiancé covers all her expenses. She occasionally helps with babysitting when breaks are needed, cooks breakfast and dinner a few times a week, and usually does the grocery shopping. Before her engagement, we covered all her expenses, with her fiancé contributing as well. The engagement is genuine, and she is actively planning the wedding, which is expected within the year. I will need to tell her about specific family and non-family time expectations.
,OP.

You could say no. Or you could tell her to get a real job! Oh, but she "wants to stay at home" -- guess her family is obligated to support and enable her forever, then? Come on.

You think you are being kind but really you are robbing her of the experiences she needs to become an adult. It's fine to be a wife/SAHM, but that's not what this is. She isn't working anywhere near as hard as an actual wife/SAHM would and she doesn't have even slightly the amount of responsibility. She's an overgrown child and the farther she falls behind developmentally, the harder it will be to catch up.

Young men sometimes think they want a wife who's sweet and amiable and goes along with everything and looks up to them and never asks much of them. But eventually they get a little more perspective, they get bored of that and become embarrassed at their wife's lack of education and naivete, and want a relationship of equals. That's when things fall apart.

Also, when a 24 year old man is going to law school and is attracted to a woman who does not work, has no degree, and is homeless, that is a red flag about him. If a man wants to marry a young woman who has literally nothing going on, it’s likely he has little regard for women, and doesn’t think of them as separate beings with agency. These men think of women as accessories to them, not as actual people.

[Anonymous]

May be he is just a kind and naive guy.

[Anonymous]

They can just go and get a license, do a picnic wedding at a park and move in together. She is homeless and jobless and he is a student with some part time job and student debt. They can't afford a fancy wedding. If they move in, at least she can help him with chores and may be gets interested in becoming an student as well or seeks a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see what a lawyer would want with an uneducated, jobless, homeless 20 year old.

Who is paying for this wedding she's planning since she has no parental support and no job to save money from? I sure as heck would NOT be supportive of my son doing seven years of school to support this freeloader. That's what she is.

She is probably very attractive

They can get an attractive woman who is educated and employed though.

[Anonymous]

She can't decide that she doesn't want to study or work and just crash at a relative's home.