Extreme resentment over mental load
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Anonymous
He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative. |
Anonymous
Not upset at all lol. Why do you keep insisting? Afraid of a little pushback? Sounds like you are the one with some issues to work through. |
Anonymous
OP asserted control early on, so he learned not to get into a power struggle with her and let her do it her way. And now she finds out she’s taken on too much and is overwhelmed and its all his fault. OP can’t have it both ways, she can’t want an equal partner yet call all the shots. If you want the power you also have to be ok with delegating and being a leader. But this is never going to be a 50% partnership and that’s not what OP really wants anyway. |
Anonymous
There’s a reason men adopt “happy wife, happy life”. |
Anonymous
| You can be free of this when you divorce. And then you have to let go of what happens at his house with the kids. Think if he will actually go for 50/50 or will he want much less? |
Anonymous
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I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.
Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be. Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about. The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows. I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men. |
Anonymous
Yes. As a dude, so much easier and better for everyone if you just do what you’re told. You learn that fast. |
Anonymous
Almost every woman I know who complains about the mental load is expected to earn money too. |
Anonymous
+1. It's a victimhood narrative that lets them wallow in unhappiness, which is attractive to some people. It exists in both men and women, the narratives just look different. |
Anonymous
It's a mentality shift. She has an expectation that he "should" do something. Do more, get involved, read the emails, whatever it is. There's the task that needs doing (making sure the kids have what they need) and the expectation about who "should" do it. The first part isn't gonna move much. If you want school pictures, you need to buy them and there's usually a deadline (there's flexibility here, and it's not a world-ender either way, but that's the example you used so let's go with it). If she wants school pictures, she can buy them, dress the kid how she might like, and enjoy the fact that she has the resources to do so. Or, she can stew about how she 'had' to do it, and he 'should've' helped. Expectations are premeditated resentments. The overwhelming majority of this strife is internal. We hold some belief that we "shouldn't have to" shoulder the mental load. You can just as easily shift that to gratitude for being able to shoulder the mental load. It's the same mental load either way, but you do get to choose how you feel about it. If you want to feel resentful, keep telling yourself a person you don't control should do things differently. If you want to feel proud and grateful, congratulate yourself for doing the work. If it's things that need to get done, reframe how you see them. But also? A lot of the stuff we "need" (e.g. wrapping Christmas presents), we really don't. We use the same "should" to force labor onto ourselves that, realistically, nobody asked for and most could probably go without. And then, if/when you drop the holiday whatever that was important to your spouse, well, there's an invitation for him to pick it up. "Thanks for letting me know it's important to you to have a 4-course Christmas meal. Are you thinking about making one, or would a suggestion for catering/pick up be more helpful?" There's a sort of pervasive USian whining culture, pride in be busy to the point of exhaustion. It creeps in and we start to believe it. The reality is that most of us are no busier than we choose to be, and not taking responsibility for our choices. Controlling other people and their behavior isn't a choice we get to make, and we can choose to control our own actions, attitudes, and energy expenditures. Resentments are a warning that boundaries have been crossed. If we're honest, it's usually us having crossed them ourselves, doing/giving more than we can reasonably do/give while staying in balance. And there's always the final vibe check: Would I be doing this as a single parent? If yes, then you're probably doing it because you care about it for yourself and/or your kid (i.e. it matters to you). Change your attitude about it. If no, you might be doing it because someone else expects it of you, or you think they do (i.e. this is how it was when you were growing up, your spouse likes it this way, you feel obligated to do this non-essential thing for someone beyond yourself that isn't your kid). Change your behavior about it. |
Anonymous
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First, I like the reframe on page 1, and feel it too now that our kids are college-aged. I always know what's going on with them and they come to me. When DH doesn't know some detail (and he's a great father) I do relish how awesome I am for building my relationships with the kids.
Second, there is a control issue that's hard to break with women. DH has been doing a task lately that would definitely be considered feminine. It bugs me the way he does it, and I thought about saying something, but then I thought it would be foolish because he might stop doing it and then I'd have to. Third, why aren't people creating systems. It makes life and work SO much easier. For holiday planning, sit down with a list and delegate between the two. Do the same thing every year. You shouldn't just do laundry or shopping when needed--that's a recipe for disaster. Write on your calendar when the shopping and laundry happens. Do it the same day/time every week. |
Anonymous
Eww. Victimese. Men are responsible for their choice and actions. Weaponizing incompetence because you received negative feedback is a weakass way to live, regardless of gender, and a whole ass choice about who and how you're willing to be. No excuses. |
Anonymous
Bingo! Had this happen just a couple weekends ago. Wife was out for the day, so I went and got the tree, put it up, got out the Xmas decorations and decorated the house. What did I get when she returned? Criticism of where I put decorations, complaining she wasn’t part of it, and she literally said “no one asked you to do this.” Lesson learned! |
Anonymous
Lil buddy, I'm good. You keep responding at me instead of responding to the point. I'm gonna let you do that. Best of luck with it, random anon who doesn't know me at all. |
Anonymous
| Not only do we deal with this at home, but it happens at work, too. I'm the only one at work who has a brain apparently. |