Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Threads like this are just easy red meat for this forum lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

Women get accused of being gold-diggers but much less discussed are the labor-digging men. It is a thing.

This. So much free labor….it’s so valuable.

[Anonymous]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8Ucb9KF/

Offer to help him over the holidays!
“Hey sweet husband. I want to help you out with the cooking, shopping, gift wrapping, packing, decorating this Christmas. Just make me a list of whatever you need help with, and I will do it!”

[Anonymous]

The holiday means more to you. Order online, wrap, done.

[Anonymous]

The OP did not mention how many children and their ages. I realize you want a nice holiday for your children, but sometimes, YOUR expectations are too high. You need to love and be present with your children —everything else isn’t important. What can you cut out? Personally, I dumped the Christmas cards and did less decorating. I see plenty of posts of people who travel every holiday and school break. This was too stressful for me. Pick and choose what is best for you, don’t fall for the commercialism. Happy holidays.

[Anonymous]

Deal or Divorce

[Anonymous]

So much misogyny and cope on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

[Anonymous]

You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

This cannot get repeated often enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

DP. It's weird. The kids would likely be fine without PP too and parenting isn't a game you "win". Horrible framing, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Most of the things you write here 'you are supposed to do. What are you, a cookie?' How do want credit for things you are supposed to do anyway as a parent and a partner. Credit for not doing drugs?

[Anonymous]

I work full-time and always did all of Christmas. I grew up in a great home with parents that loved the holidays and made it special. My spouse came from a dysfunctional broken home and does thank me each year for how special I make it.

I see the payout with my college age sons who love coming home and love and still excited for traditions.

There are ways to make things easier for yourself- shortcuts. And now with online shopping it’s quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Most of the things you write here 'you are supposed to do. What are you, a cookie?' How do want credit for things you are supposed to do anyway as a parent and a partner. Credit for not doing drugs?

I sense an abusive streak in this DH. Esp from the reference to not doing drinks. The way he talks about himself is off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

Farming it competitively like that just creates an awful dynamic for kids. You do you, though. It doesn't really sound "friendly", no matter how you try to reframe it.