Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

Sorry you are going through this. You need to assume that everyone is doing the best they can. Can you guys downsize your lifestyle and hire a house manager/personal assistant who can take care of so.e of these things?

It could be worse. I know you don't want to hear it, but it really could be. You could have married a bum with no job and no ability to follow your instructions. You could have married a man with a big job like your DH's but who would refuse to follow your instructions. It's not ideal but it could have been worse.

Now accept that he is not going to change. What can you do to make things better for you?

[Anonymous]

You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

Sorry you are going through this. You need to assume that everyone is doing the best they can. Can you guys downsize your lifestyle and hire a house manager/personal assistant who can take care of so.e of these things?

It could be worse. I know you don't want to hear it, but it really could be. You could have married a bum with no job and no ability to follow your instructions. You could have married a man with a big job like your DH's but who would refuse to follow your instructions. It's not ideal but it could have been worse.

Now accept that he is not going to change. What can you do to make things better for you?

+1

Edit your load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

[Anonymous]

Where safety isn’t involved, let your children be disappointed by your husband instead of covering for him.

[Anonymous]

I have long been over these holiday "traditions" that mostly depend on women to plan, execute, and maintain. If he's not going to take the initiative, figure out some parts of your mental load to offload forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

Or prrhaps the standard for women is too high? Who cares about Christmas when work is killing you? A plastic tree from Walmart and the first doll or car you can grab from there is just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have long been over these holiday "traditions" that mostly depend on women to plan, execute, and maintain. If he's not going to take the initiative, figure out some parts of your mental load to offload forever.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

Are you sure he will? He might not bother with the holidays if they divorced. OP would then be stuck with an even higher mental load of structuring joint custody.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

Women get accused of being gold-diggers but much less discussed are the labor-digging men. It is a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

Are you sure he will? He might not bother with the holidays if they divorced. OP would then be stuck with an even higher mental load of structuring joint custody.

If the mental load doesn’t significantly increase for him following divorce, then it will be a situation where OP is at least getting child support.