Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

Are you sure he will? He might not bother with the holidays if they divorced. OP would then be stuck with an even higher mental load of structuring joint custody.

If the mental load doesn’t significantly increase for him following divorce, then it will be a situation where OP is at least getting child support.

And not living with a man child. (BTDT.)

[Anonymous]

I see things much with friends. The purposeful and malicious incompetence is demoralizing. It's really hard to know what a guy will be like when kids come too. There are a few tells and flags but it's never for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

Are you sure he will? He might not bother with the holidays if they divorced. OP would then be stuck with an even higher mental load of structuring joint custody.

If the mental load doesn’t significantly increase for him following divorce, then it will be a situation where OP is at least getting child support.

How will she get child support with 50/50 custody when she has a good job?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

Or prrhaps the standard for women is too high? Who cares about Christmas when work is killing you? A plastic tree from Walmart and the first doll or car you can grab from there is just fine.

But men want all those things. They just don't want to do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Pp you aren't a credible witness...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

If you love her so much and are such a good husband, spend some of that 500k making her life easier. Hire a full time nanny, or an additional helper if you already have a nanny, who can take some of the load off her.

Do you think your wife just enjoys being pissed off? Why would you add "just" to qualify how she is feeling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

Are you sure he will? He might not bother with the holidays if they divorced. OP would then be stuck with an even higher mental load of structuring joint custody.

If the mental load doesn’t significantly increase for him following divorce, then it will be a situation where OP is at least getting child support.

How will she get child support with 50/50 custody when she has a good job?

If the husband's mental load doesn't increase following divorce, he doesn't have 50/50 custody...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Pp you aren't a credible witness...

If you are making 500k she doesn’t need to work. Perhaps she wants to. Why can’t you be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

Or prrhaps the standard for women is too high? Who cares about Christmas when work is killing you? A plastic tree from Walmart and the first doll or car you can grab from there is just fine.

But men want all those things. They just don't want to do it

They want them, but they don't need them. Neither do women. Women can let some of it go if it will reduce their stress.

[Anonymous]

You probably have a history of critiquing him, pointing out that the way he does things is wrong and taking over before he really gets started to make sure it is done "the right way".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is acting like a complete loser parent, and you shouldn’t be “grateful” that he’ll do the occasional assigned task. If you divorce, he’ll have to do something much closer to half of the mental load with respect to the kids and run his own house.

No he won't. This is the type of man who can't function on his own and immediately gets remarried and dumps the mental load on another woman who will do it. They also expect their ex-wives to continue doing all of the logistics and administrative work of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

File for a divorce immediately. You’ll be free as soon as it goes through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Not drinking or using drugs, and caring for your own kids, is literally the bare minimum. Not even the bare minimum, that’s just basic adulting.

Step it up at home. Why should she work AND be the default parent? Parenting should be split 50/50.

[Anonymous]

It helps me to listen to Dateline podcasts, because at least he didn't/isn't going to murder me.