Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
You’re convinced based on what? Yes we know some things don’t take a long time to plan or do like taxes. The issue is when you plan and do ALL the things, and yes, this absolutely happens. And many of the things involving modern life are mostly mental, like finding childcare or planning finances. Count yourself lucky not to be able to picture it.
DP
OP isn’t doing ALL these things. If you are, that’s a different problem. That’s a YOU problem.
This is yet another of 48 pages of this:
Every attempt to provide helpful realistic suggestions, perspective, or nuance related to OP and improving OPs situation - which is hopeful - is met with someone making this about themself and their failed irreparable marriage.
“My husband does nothing, so let’s focus on that. Let’s change the topic from hopeful to something hopeless (my marriage).”
Imagine what these people are like at parties. Actually don’t imagine that; imagine something hopeful and positive.
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
Yes, but I was trying to distinguish "mental load" from the time spent actually doing things. I just think lumping once a year things into the mental load category seems weird and not really what the mental load discussion is about. I agree that things like day-to-day organization is a lot to manage -- who is picking up from school, what activities are scheduled, etc. But the discussion then devolves into a group of people who lump every single thing they do into the mental load category, which makes it sound like having to do any work is overly mentally taxing. I'm sorry, doing the dishes is not part of the "mental load." It is real work though. And then I just assume that the DH is not the problem with those people, or not the only problem.
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
It is easy to filter for these traits before marriage and you chose not to. Take a look in the mirror.
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
Yes, but I was trying to distinguish "mental load" from the time spent actually doing things. I just think lumping once a year things into the mental load category seems weird and not really what the mental load discussion is about. I agree that things like day-to-day organization is a lot to manage -- who is picking up from school, what activities are scheduled, etc. But the discussion then devolves into a group of people who lump every single thing they do into the mental load category, which makes it sound like having to do any work is overly mentally taxing. I'm sorry, doing the dishes is not part of the "mental load." It is real work though. And then I just assume that the DH is not the problem with those people, or not the only problem.
The once yearly stuff of course belongs in the mental load category. Because it's an out of the ordinary responsibility. Most of the time I'm not doing taxes or getting the oil changed, so it's not built into my daily or weekly schedule. But if I'm the one who takes care of these things because my spouse won't, then when it's time to deal with them, it's something I need to fit into my schedule to make sure it gets done, especially since these are things with deadlines.
And no, individually this stuff doesn't take a lot of time. But if you are the only person who ever does these annual or semi-annual activities, it adds up. Doing taxes and getting the oil changed by themselves are no big deal -- I did both on my own prior to marriage and kids and never thought about. It's when you are in charge of ALL finance, house, and child related annual or semi-annual activities that you start to get stressed. You have to keep an eye on tax docs coming in so you can get the taxes done, while also making sure to get spring break flights booked since that happens around the same time, and also make sure all the camp registrations and deposits get paid. Then it's time to scheduled the spring clean up with the landscaper, and you know from previous years that you need to contact them by February 1st or it's hard to get on their schedule. Then when you talk to them you discover their rates have gone up 30% and you need to get some comparison quotes because that sounds like gouging. Meantime one of your kids has a birthday coming up, and you need to figure out how you will celebrate and make reservations, figure out where you are getting cake, etc.
This is all manageable when you both have stuff you are doing, or you have a system where you go over it all periodically and figure out who does what. But if your partners refuses to do that, will promise to do things but never do them, or gets surly with you even when you ask them them to take on some of these things, it becomes overwhelming. This is the mental load.
I feel these conversation always devolve into someone saying "whatever, camp registrations are not a big deal, it doesn't take that long." This would be like telling someone with a busy logistical job that ONE of the things they oversee is no big deal, so their job must be easy and no big deal. But of course in planning/logistics jobs like this, the issue isn't any particular task but keeping all the gears turning on time in a way so that deadlines are missed and nothing falls through the cracks. And regardless of how easy the individual tasks, that oversight IS stressful, no matter what. Especially with no help or even someone getting in your way.
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
Yes, but I was trying to distinguish "mental load" from the time spent actually doing things. I just think lumping once a year things into the mental load category seems weird and not really what the mental load discussion is about. I agree that things like day-to-day organization is a lot to manage -- who is picking up from school, what activities are scheduled, etc. But the discussion then devolves into a group of people who lump every single thing they do into the mental load category, which makes it sound like having to do any work is overly mentally taxing. I'm sorry, doing the dishes is not part of the "mental load." It is real work though. And then I just assume that the DH is not the problem with those people, or not the only problem.
The once yearly stuff of course belongs in the mental load category. Because it's an out of the ordinary responsibility. Most of the time I'm not doing taxes or getting the oil changed, so it's not built into my daily or weekly schedule. But if I'm the one who takes care of these things because my spouse won't, then when it's time to deal with them, it's something I need to fit into my schedule to make sure it gets done, especially since these are things with deadlines.
And no, individually this stuff doesn't take a lot of time. But if you are the only person who ever does these annual or semi-annual activities, it adds up. Doing taxes and getting the oil changed by themselves are no big deal -- I did both on my own prior to marriage and kids and never thought about. It's when you are in charge of ALL finance, house, and child related annual or semi-annual activities that you start to get stressed. You have to keep an eye on tax docs coming in so you can get the taxes done, while also making sure to get spring break flights booked since that happens around the same time, and also make sure all the camp registrations and deposits get paid. Then it's time to scheduled the spring clean up with the landscaper, and you know from previous years that you need to contact them by February 1st or it's hard to get on their schedule. Then when you talk to them you discover their rates have gone up 30% and you need to get some comparison quotes because that sounds like gouging. Meantime one of your kids has a birthday coming up, and you need to figure out how you will celebrate and make reservations, figure out where you are getting cake, etc.
This is all manageable when you both have stuff you are doing, or you have a system where you go over it all periodically and figure out who does what. But if your partners refuses to do that, will promise to do things but never do them, or gets surly with you even when you ask them them to take on some of these things, it becomes overwhelming. This is the mental load.
I feel these conversation always devolve into someone saying "whatever, camp registrations are not a big deal, it doesn't take that long." This would be like telling someone with a busy logistical job that ONE of the things they oversee is no big deal, so their job must be easy and no big deal. But of course in planning/logistics jobs like this, the issue isn't any particular task but keeping all the gears turning on time in a way so that deadlines are missed and nothing falls through the cracks. And regardless of how easy the individual tasks, that oversight IS stressful, no matter what. Especially with no help or even someone getting in your way.
Hopeless.
Everything is hopeless , because what I am reporting is hopeless. My situation is hopeless. Therefore, hopeless.
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
Yes, but I was trying to distinguish "mental load" from the time spent actually doing things. I just think lumping once a year things into the mental load category seems weird and not really what the mental load discussion is about. I agree that things like day-to-day organization is a lot to manage -- who is picking up from school, what activities are scheduled, etc. But the discussion then devolves into a group of people who lump every single thing they do into the mental load category, which makes it sound like having to do any work is overly mentally taxing. I'm sorry, doing the dishes is not part of the "mental load." It is real work though. And then I just assume that the DH is not the problem with those people, or not the only problem.
The once yearly stuff of course belongs in the mental load category. Because it's an out of the ordinary responsibility. Most of the time I'm not doing taxes or getting the oil changed, so it's not built into my daily or weekly schedule. But if I'm the one who takes care of these things because my spouse won't, then when it's time to deal with them, it's something I need to fit into my schedule to make sure it gets done, especially since these are things with deadlines.
And no, individually this stuff doesn't take a lot of time. But if you are the only person who ever does these annual or semi-annual activities, it adds up. Doing taxes and getting the oil changed by themselves are no big deal -- I did both on my own prior to marriage and kids and never thought about. It's when you are in charge of ALL finance, house, and child related annual or semi-annual activities that you start to get stressed. You have to keep an eye on tax docs coming in so you can get the taxes done, while also making sure to get spring break flights booked since that happens around the same time, and also make sure all the camp registrations and deposits get paid. Then it's time to scheduled the spring clean up with the landscaper, and you know from previous years that you need to contact them by February 1st or it's hard to get on their schedule. Then when you talk to them you discover their rates have gone up 30% and you need to get some comparison quotes because that sounds like gouging. Meantime one of your kids has a birthday coming up, and you need to figure out how you will celebrate and make reservations, figure out where you are getting cake, etc.
This is all manageable when you both have stuff you are doing, or you have a system where you go over it all periodically and figure out who does what. But if your partners refuses to do that, will promise to do things but never do them, or gets surly with you even when you ask them them to take on some of these things, it becomes overwhelming. This is the mental load.
I feel these conversation always devolve into someone saying "whatever, camp registrations are not a big deal, it doesn't take that long." This would be like telling someone with a busy logistical job that ONE of the things they oversee is no big deal, so their job must be easy and no big deal. But of course in planning/logistics jobs like this, the issue isn't any particular task but keeping all the gears turning on time in a way so that deadlines are missed and nothing falls through the cracks. And regardless of how easy the individual tasks, that oversight IS stressful, no matter what. Especially with no help or even someone getting in your way.
Hopeless.
Everything is hopeless , because what I am reporting is hopeless. My situation is hopeless. Therefore, hopeless.
Hopeless.
Hopeless. Hopeless. Hopeless.
Hopeless. Hopelessness. Hopeless.
Hopeless.
You have to understand the problem before you can solve it.
Every time you insist a woman reframe these issues as no big deal, or not a "real" problem, you make these issues harder to resolve, not easier.
All anyone here is asking is that you acknowledge that this *is* a problem. That doesn't mean there's no resolution or that it's "hopeless."
Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.
You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?
Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.
This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?
+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.
My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.
Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.
OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.
Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.
What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.
But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.
Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.
Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.
What’s your source for this claim? If it’s just unhappy shrews whining on the internet about how hard thinking is, be advised that you have a biased sample.
My source is I’ve never met a man who is in charge of admin tasks in the home.
I don't know any men who are 100% in charge of the admin tasks but I'd say in most of my friends' marriages (and in my own), we are 50/50 on that stuff. We all read the emails, we all text about things, we all buy the needed things, etc.
+1. I do most of it (I'm a man), but not all. I don't have any dad friends like people talk about on DCUM.
My DH does more than I do, but there are only a few dads like him in my circle of family and friends. And in these instances where the nen do more, the women do a very significant amount of the work. On the other hand, in most of the instances where the women do more than their DHs, the DHs do little.
(a) what work? and (b) what do the men do?
I, a woman, am in charge of 99% of our children's clothes. I could complain about that or I could acknowledge that my husband is 99% responsible for everything electronic in our house. I do all 99% of the laundry. My husband does 99% of the trash and yard and house maintenance. Childcare we do 50/50, same with pet care. The point is, picking ONE THING that you are 99% in charge of is kind of missing the bigger picture here.
Trust, the women complaining about being the default parent would be overjoyed to have your situation.
With my ex, I did literally everything, fro assembling the entire baby nursery by myself to the finances to every doctor appointment to all childcare details to coordinating all household repairs and services to the yard work and on and on. Lol at the clothes - that is literally the last thing he would ever think about unless it directly impacted him (like DS needed hiking pants for a vacation he wanted to take him on).
The only thing my ex did was: some additional childcare and housework in the newborn phase; take out the trash weekly; split school drop off and pick up (but only because I drew a very hard boundary and enforced this for the sake of keeping my job). He would show up to spend time with DS when he felt like it - sometimes going days without seeing the kid. He cooked dinners once or twice a week at first but in the last few years not at all.
This. I do 90% of almost everything: kids clothes, school communication, camp, sports and activity stuff, yard work, home maintenance, grocery shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, child care arrangements, pet care, car maintenance, bill paying, taxes. I could go on.
My DH cooks one more day a week than I do and will do things like take out the trash or change a lightbulb *if* I ask him directly (has never initiated these activities on his own).
If he handled 99% (or even 75%) of anything, it would be thrilling to reclaim whatever corner of my brain currently manages it.
I don't know PP so can't comment on her specifically, but I'm convinced that so many people who post things like this and act like a martyr are just lazy or disorganized, and certainly exaggerating.
Many of those things are really very occasional (e.g., taxes and "car maintenance"). Others are set up once and then rarely need to be changed. And others, like home cleaning can just be accomplished as you go. You see a room that isn't as clean as you'd like, you either ask someone to do it or do it. What "corner of your brain" is being occupied by that? There really should be little "mental load" with most of this stuff.
Now, the actual time it takes to do these things should be shared as much as work hours allow. But that's different than the mental load point.
This is probably true. But there is nothing special about having a uterus that makes me better at organization than my husband. Why should I be in charge of 90% of all of the household stuff? I mean, he can fill out paperwork to register the kids for school or talk to the underwriter about a mortgage.
Yes, but I was trying to distinguish "mental load" from the time spent actually doing things. I just think lumping once a year things into the mental load category seems weird and not really what the mental load discussion is about. I agree that things like day-to-day organization is a lot to manage -- who is picking up from school, what activities are scheduled, etc. But the discussion then devolves into a group of people who lump every single thing they do into the mental load category, which makes it sound like having to do any work is overly mentally taxing. I'm sorry, doing the dishes is not part of the "mental load." It is real work though. And then I just assume that the DH is not the problem with those people, or not the only problem.
The once yearly stuff of course belongs in the mental load category. Because it's an out of the ordinary responsibility. Most of the time I'm not doing taxes or getting the oil changed, so it's not built into my daily or weekly schedule. But if I'm the one who takes care of these things because my spouse won't, then when it's time to deal with them, it's something I need to fit into my schedule to make sure it gets done, especially since these are things with deadlines.
And no, individually this stuff doesn't take a lot of time. But if you are the only person who ever does these annual or semi-annual activities, it adds up. Doing taxes and getting the oil changed by themselves are no big deal -- I did both on my own prior to marriage and kids and never thought about. It's when you are in charge of ALL finance, house, and child related annual or semi-annual activities that you start to get stressed. You have to keep an eye on tax docs coming in so you can get the taxes done, while also making sure to get spring break flights booked since that happens around the same time, and also make sure all the camp registrations and deposits get paid. Then it's time to scheduled the spring clean up with the landscaper, and you know from previous years that you need to contact them by February 1st or it's hard to get on their schedule. Then when you talk to them you discover their rates have gone up 30% and you need to get some comparison quotes because that sounds like gouging. Meantime one of your kids has a birthday coming up, and you need to figure out how you will celebrate and make reservations, figure out where you are getting cake, etc.
This is all manageable when you both have stuff you are doing, or you have a system where you go over it all periodically and figure out who does what. But if your partners refuses to do that, will promise to do things but never do them, or gets surly with you even when you ask them them to take on some of these things, it becomes overwhelming. This is the mental load.
I feel these conversation always devolve into someone saying "whatever, camp registrations are not a big deal, it doesn't take that long." This would be like telling someone with a busy logistical job that ONE of the things they oversee is no big deal, so their job must be easy and no big deal. But of course in planning/logistics jobs like this, the issue isn't any particular task but keeping all the gears turning on time in a way so that deadlines are missed and nothing falls through the cracks. And regardless of how easy the individual tasks, that oversight IS stressful, no matter what. Especially with no help or even someone getting in your way.
Hopeless.
Everything is hopeless , because what I am reporting is hopeless. My situation is hopeless. Therefore, hopeless.
Hopeless.
Hopeless. Hopeless. Hopeless.
Hopeless. Hopelessness. Hopeless.
Hopeless.
You have to understand the problem before you can solve it.
Every time you insist a woman reframe these issues as no big deal, or not a "real" problem, you make these issues harder to resolve, not easier.
All anyone here is asking is that you acknowledge that this *is* a problem. That doesn't mean there's no resolution or that it's "hopeless."
OPs problem has been acknowledged several times. Solutions have been offered.
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