Extreme resentment over mental load
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Anonymous
I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice. |
Anonymous
I'm a PP not OP. Just clarifying from OPs original post. |
Anonymous
The question stands. How did the roles and responsibilities evolve in the relationship? Did OP assert herself as head in the beginning and her husband took a backseat and just let her call the shots? |
Anonymous
| Drop the rope and simplify to doing only the things you want to do because you value them. |
Anonymous
I have a friend currently going through what OP is describing and I find this statement you made really interesting. I'm at a loss as to how to help her because my husband is an equal partner so while I hear what she is telling me, I am struggling with understanding it but mostly I am struggling with how to help her (for now I just listen and extend sympathy and I don't think I can solve their problems but I have directed her to books or other resources that people have suggested). So if you don't mind, would you tell me more about what you said? She works full-time in a demanding medical profession where she is out of the house and on her feet dealing with a lot of trauma at work. On top of that, she handles everything for the two kids because he just won't read the emails from the school about picture day, etc., and her youngest is too little to remember things like that on his own. The mental labor she talks about is being the one to keep track of and do everything, so how can she feel as though her husband isn't taking advantage of the fact that she keeps everything in place? |
Anonymous
You're really upset about it, which means you should probably look at why another person's take got under your skin this way. Stewing in your resentments isn't good for the kids either. Whatever you choose, you need to find a way to make it work. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Women are miserable because they don't fawn over mediocre men doing the minimum? 
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Anonymous
This. The whole "if it's important to you, YOU can do it" approach just doesn't register for a lot of them. Treat it like a business negotiation. "If it's important to you that I do this, what are you going to do for me?" The expectation is unreasonable, and they just. don't. get it. |
Anonymous
Yes, this is what is going on. DH waits for tasks to be delegated because OP clearly likes the control. If DH tried to take initiative and plan then there would be a coordination problem to solve with OP. OP would possibly be more PO’d than she is now. OP, you could just delegate a larger task. Like “get the presents for the kids.” But let’s face it, there’s a reason he’s settled in to this following role and it’s really not just about him — it’s about the dynamic between the two of you. As far as, are you stuck with this? Yes, you are — you’re stuck with him, but you’re also stuck with yourself. |
Anonymous
I get this, but my kids were chuffed as nuts the year I decided all their presents go in one, giant bag. And when we cut back on the number of presents to save money, they didn't complain or even seem to notice much. There's a difference between putting in the extra work to take care of our kids and sacrificing our sanity to do it some sort of way without questioning whether or not that way actually works. Christmas isn't about a tree, or a meal, or presents. Make it work for you, however that looks, and let go of the expectations. |
Anonymous
And then you buy into it and complain and resent. You have to flip that switch, if only in your own head. You win. You're the better parent. Stop the whole nonsense internally. Then, if/when he treats you like you're less than, just look at him like the lost little puppy he must be and pat him on the cute little stupid head. Do only what works for you, including teaching your children to go along with it and be grateful for whatever holiday magic you manage. Lower everyone's expectations. If your spouse balks, he's welcome to pick up the slack. If he gives you grief, invite him to fix whatever he's upset about, like a damned adult. You have to opt out of this whole game if you don't want to play this game. Otherwise, not only are you playing, you're probably gonna lose. |
Anonymous
Not PP but I think your options are: 1) Divorce. He either will or won't get some custody and either will or won't step up when he has the kids. There are a lot of unknowns here, including the biggest, to me, that he might start a second family. 2) Acknowledge and accept that this is who you are married to. I think this is what the PP is saying. You aren't going to change him, so find a way to live with what you've got (or, rather, don't have). Work to find a way to drop the resentment of carrying the mental load, find ways to lighten your load, etc. 3) Try to fix it. I think this option is where most people get stuck because this is either going to work or not, but being here is like being in purgatory and you don't want to be here forever. Therapy, individually and as a couple, would be the best way to go here, and it requires a lot of humility, willingness to be uncomfortable, and actual work (on both sides). I would try this path first BUT would do so with a timeline in mind. After X months, option 1 or 2 is where you need to be if you cannot find a place where you both agree. For what it's worth, I found myself at a point where my otherwise great husband was indeed taking advantage of the fact that I was carrying more of the mental load. We both work full-time and have approximately equal jobs and salaries. Sometimes someone earns more, and sometimes someone's job is more demanding, but over the 15 years we've been married, it has probably been about even when averaged out. However, we had fallen into a place where I felt more of the load was on me, whether because I had consciously or unconsciously taken it on or he had consciously or unconsciously dumped it on me or a mix of the two. I talked to him about it, he acknowledged my feelings, and we found a way to work it out. We still have to have conversations about it sometimes but it's a lot easier to make small course corrections than it is to overhaul your entire marriage/family dynamic. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but I was married to this same brand of "man" once. Overgrown children in need of a mother, those. |
Anonymous
Yep. This is the game. Or, to avoid riling the PP who is triggered by that framing, the "dance". |
Anonymous
Yep. This is the way. |