Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

This. If Mom has lived with a guy for 30 years I suspect she does not want to leave him. Have you asked Mom where she wants to be?

She wants to be able to be outside and hike year round, and that might be the only reason she goes to Arizona in the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I said no, it would overextend us. And, my husband would never agree to helping out any relative.

Husband and i have worked our butts off with no help from either side so we'd like to enjoy our retirement doing the things we planned. I've just been diagnosed with cancer, that will likely limit my life expectancy, so this plays in on it too. I plan on retiring next year and would have time to visit mom more often, if needed and if I feel good enough.

Ok, so you have a potentially life shortening diagnosis, a husband saying no, and you don’t feel any obligation to help. Possibly visiting 1x a month or less is not “help,” and it can be very disruptive if you are that out of town relative with a lot of input when you aren’t boots on the ground. Visiting is for love. Visiting is great. Visiting is not helping unless you can temporarily take over primary caretaking, and it doesn’t sound like you could.

Since you are not able to help, you need to be honest with your sister and tell her that. Don’t string her along. Tell her that given your health and husband you can’t make any time commitments and you won’t be contributing financially. This also means you don’t make any decisions or judge them.


OP, is this your thread:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1218716.page

If so, there’s quite a bit of additional context. If this isn’t your thread, please disregard.
Background: OP has adult children and was resentful that Mom was closer to Sister who had teens. Mom disliked OP’s chosen home, distant from the FOO hometown. OP’s family doesn’t enjoy the active lifestyle that Mom does, and they don’t seem to want to bend at all.

There seems to be quite a bit of u resolved resentment. Mom is independent and really doesn’t like the Midwest or OP’s lifestyle. Mom doesn’t disapprove, and seems quite independent. But Mom and OP seem to be very different people with different lifestyles and values.

Mom is not going to want to live in a place she hates with an AC who resents her and with whom she doesn’t have much in common. If Mom is willing to move, she’s going to move near Sister. They have a closer relationship and Sister will have a better understanding of how to support Mom as she ages.

[Anonymous]

That is my thread!
Recently found out that my sister buys every plane ticket for my mom to visit her to the tune of 1k sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to just not like your mom that much. It sounds like she doesn’t like you that much either. I have no plans to be very involved with my dad’s care for many reasons. My sister is fully aware of this. She understands. She may not be so understanding when the burden falls on her, but she is welcome to do nothing as well if she doesn’t want to do it.

The reality is you have a ton of complicated dynamics. You aren’t going to solve those dynamics just because mom is aging. You have to accept that her partner is a huge part of this as you decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is my thread!
Recently found out that my sister buys every plane ticket for my mom to visit her to the tune of 1k sometimes.

That reinforces for me that you should tell your sister the truth, and step back. All three of you have a complicated dynamic, but none of you are horrible people. Concentrate on your health for now. If your husband softens, offer to pay for a CFA to work with Sis and Mom. I’m sorry that you’re facing that diagnosis and I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

Agreed. You can have it both ways. You can't refuse to meaningfully help then expect the sister relationship to go undamaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

Agreed. You can have it both ways. You can't refuse to meaningfully help then expect the sister relationship to go undamaged.

This. OP, what *are* you willing to do? You've said you're unwilling to visit more than monthly, and you're unwilling to give any money, okay, but are you unwilling to do any of the other work here? Because it's going to be a lot of work. All you've done so far is shoot down her proposals, and you really have no idea what your mom can or cannot afford at this point.

Can you research things online? Fly to a potential destination and look at where your mom might live? Help with the sale of the house your mom doesn't live in? Find a financial advisor that your sister can bring your mom to? There are any number of things you can do to be helpful here. Try to do some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

Agreed. You can have it both ways. You can't refuse to meaningfully help then expect the sister relationship to go undamaged.

This. OP, what *are* you willing to do? You've said you're unwilling to visit more than monthly, and you're unwilling to give any money, okay, but are you unwilling to do any of the other work here? Because it's going to be a lot of work. All you've done so far is shoot down her proposals, and you really have no idea what your mom can or cannot afford at this point.

Can you research things online? Fly to a potential destination and look at where your mom might live? Help with the sale of the house your mom doesn't live in? Find a financial advisor that your sister can bring your mom to? There are any number of things you can do to be helpful here. Try to do some.

It is OK for her to do nothing. It really is and you should never sacrifice your own nuclear family. Full stop. Her mother is an adult who was responsible for planning for her own aging and end of life needs. Sounds like the elder enjoyed herself, did what she wanted and now her lack of planning is everyone else’s problem. Oh and gee elder mom who didn’t bother plan doesn’t want to live in the Midwest where it’s much less expensive. Beggars don’t get to be choosers.

For the sister, OP needs to be honest and say she can provide no money. She may or may not be in a position to help with logistics from afar after her cancer treatment. She may be able to fly out and babysit her mother to give her sister a break but this is after her cancer treatment. I agree with a previous poster that if she isn’t providing money, she doesn’t get to judge or bark orders from a far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

NP. No. OP is dealing with a new cancer diagnosis and presumably a lot of rough treatments. OP's sister is kind of awful for dumping all of this on OP and expecting OP to be able to provide significant physical and financial help at this time. If OP is assuming a shortened lifespan, then OP is much more in crisis than either the mom or sister. They should be getting together and discussing how to support OP rather than expecting OP to support the mom right now.

OP, it's okay for you to tell your sister and mom that you're dealing with cancer treatments and don't have the bandwidth right now to help out. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago and going through the surgeries, radiation, medications, etc. as well as the significant out of pocket expense, there's no way I would have had the capacity to deal with anyone else's problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

What? No! The OP does not need to forego her family’s financial well being to buy her mother a condo.

OP all you can do is set the boundary and be clear what you can or can’t do. Sadly, you can’t control how others react. It’s not your sisters place to determine what your family should sacrifice for your mother.

Of course she doesn't. But if she wants a good relationship with her sister, then she needs a problem-solving attitude and should propose something that is realistic that she will be comfortable with. Shooting down the sister's ideas and offering no constructive input will damage the sibling relationship.

Agreed. You can have it both ways. You can't refuse to meaningfully help then expect the sister relationship to go undamaged.

It's already damaged, because apparently the sister is a toxic narcissist. Did you completely miss the part where OP is dealing with cancer treatments? The mom has assets, an active lifestyle, a partner, and a relatively minor injury. The OP has cancer with apparently a not-great prognosis. The OP is much more in crisis mode and much more in need of help than the mom. Only a toxic person would start whining at a cancer patient that they're not helping enough. Only morons on dcum would feel the need to shame a cancer patient for "refusing to meaningfully help" with a relatively minor injury. What's wrong with you, PP?

[Anonymous]

Being a caregiver to an elderly parent is exhausting when you work full time, have children, contribute to your retirement, and try to maintain some semblance of everyday life and do things you enjoy.

I feel the boomer generation is incredibly selfish and poorly prepared for aging. Very few have plans or are willing to pay for their care if/when they need it and are shocked when they realize Medicare does not pay for long-term care or a caregiver (outside of short-term rehab for an illness or injury or *short-term* home health).

Most people in the North Western region don't have the cultural requirement to care for their aging parents. We are the sandwiched generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Your sister is willing to take on the extra work of dealing with your mom as she ages nearby. All she is asking is for a bit of financial help. That seems reasonable to me. You would likely spend a lot more if you must travel to her. Flights are not cheap, especially when something happens and you need to hop on the next flight in 4 hours to get there.

I'd find a way to help out, so that your mom is better cared for (hard to do remote without someone nearby unless you pay to put them in a CCRC and it doesn't seem like any of you could afford that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is your decision to make, nor is it necessary to do anything right now.

it definately is necessary to have a plan in place Now! The mom has already fallen and broken a bone. She could be close to needing assisted living (if she actually doesn't already need it).

I like the plan of moving closer to the sister Now. As long as sister is willing to take on the burden of the daily issues, you should step up and contribute financially if needed (if you at all can).