Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Our mother - typically in good shape, age 79 - fell and broke a rib. She is thousands of miles from us in a relatively remote location where she lives and where we grew up. I live in the midwest. My sister in the Mountain west.
At any rate, sister said she thinks we should move mom to her state nearby so we can attend to her in her older age.
Mom would refuse to live in the midwest, and she might even refuse to live in MW, although she does love it there.
Sister wants me to help pay for her to get a condo or help out financially in some way.
I said no, it would overextend us. And, my husband would never agree to helping out any relative.
I don't want our usually close relationship to unravel over this.


I would imagine we have more net worth than sister via real estate that we weren't planning on selling.

Husband and i have worked our butts off with no help from either side so we'd like to enjoy our retirement doing the things we planned. I've just been diagnosed with cancer, that will likely limit my life expectancy, so this plays in on it too. I plan on retiring next year and would have time to visit mom more often, if needed and if I feel good enough.

How do people navigate this?

[Anonymous]

I think either you're gonna subsidize her or you're going to spend a ton of time and money traveling to and from a remote area. Sometimes the easiest way to pay for things is with money.

[Anonymous]

You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

[Anonymous]

I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're saying no to everything your sister proposes. So what plan do you actually think is good? If you want to protect your relationship with your sister, come to the table with something other than "no no no, me me me".

Yep. Unfortunately, if you want to maintain your relationship, then you have to "give" in some way. Most people don't like it. And it is in time and/or money. And I will tell you, this is going to be a huge burden on your sister. You are only at the beginning. If she is already asking for help, if you give none, then she will absolutely come to resent you. This isn't just a house question.

What kind of assets does your mom have? Does she own a house? Is there anything to sell or use to support her? Long term care insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Why buy something where you both have to travel? Short of your mother passing suddenly and very quickly, she will need more and more care, potential ramping up to 24 hour care given that she has already fallen and broken a bone. Who is going to do that?

[Anonymous]

I will add, it takes some time to adjust to this new paradigm of a parent needing help in the form of your finances and/or some major sacrifice.

You will have to decide what you can do, then live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What kind of assets does your mom have? Does she own a house? Is there anything to sell or use to support her? Long term care insurance?

She owns a house worth about 260k, she owns part of a condo in Arizona and her half is likely 100k, the guy she has been living with for 30 years is very wealthy but won't put anything in her name. He is showing signs of dementia. She loaned 100k to her brother and she SAYS can call that in at any time. She has a pension.
That's about all I know.
I'm going to ask her if she has long term health insurance.

[Anonymous]

My MIL had no money, we moved her in with us during an emergency, tiny house. We looked for low income housing near us and got approved however, there was no way to make it work with the dementia and we put her in a long term medicaid nursing home as I couldn't do the 24-7 care anymore. We moved her cross country. It was impossible to manage at a distance.

Mom needs to move near you or your sister, not another random place where she isn't familiar with no friends or family. Your post makes no sense. Or, stay put.

[Anonymous]

Do a Google search for a life care management company in your mom’s area. They can help you navigate getting daily or weekly help for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a Google search for a life care management company in your mom’s area. They can help you navigate getting daily or weekly help for her.

ok thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What kind of assets does your mom have? Does she own a house? Is there anything to sell or use to support her? Long term care insurance?

She owns a house worth about 260k, she owns part of a condo in Arizona and her half is likely 100k, the guy she has been living with for 30 years is very wealthy but won't put anything in her name. He is showing signs of dementia. She loaned 100k to her brother and she SAYS can call that in at any time. She has a pension.
That's about all I know.
I'm going to ask her if she has long term health insurance.

Who owns the rest of the condo?

Guy sounds like a real peach and I would keep a very close eye on him especially regarding your mom's money.

Don't believe the brother thing for a minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

"as much as I can" means I have cancer and can't commit unless I feel well.