Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

I'm willing to discuss long term. That's why I'm calling her today to ask if she has long term care insurance.

[Anonymous]

Hire yourself a geriatric care manager.
Get mom to get her $100k back now or admit it's gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

I'm willing to discuss long term. That's why I'm calling her today to ask if she has long term care insurance.

So your ideal plan is... Mom stays where she is, then when she's not able to manage that she moves to a cheaper area than where your sister lives, so she is not near either daughter? But how does she manage things in the new location?

You say you can visit *maybe* monthly. But that doesn't seem like enough, if the reason for her moving is that she couldn't manage in her current home. Do you plan to move her into a facility and she gets two daughter visits a month? And then maybe has to move again to be near your sister when she's really old? I dunno, that seems like a bad deal-- the cost and hassle of moving is going to eat up any cost of living savings.

I think you need to read up on how assisted living places do their admissions and are financed.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is your decision to make, nor is it necessary to do anything right now.

[Anonymous]

There almost always is an imbalance in who cares for an elderly parent how much money is spent. I live far away yet I try to help as much as I can with coordinating care and sending meals. I know my sister is doing much more direct care and spending a lot on food for mom so she is spending a lot more money than me. I just try to do what I can to take some of the burden off of my sister. I can't move there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There almost always is an imbalance in who cares for an elderly parent how much money is spent. I live far away yet I try to help as much as I can with coordinating care and sending meals. I know my sister is doing much more direct care and spending a lot on food for mom so she is spending a lot more money than me. I just try to do what I can to take some of the burden off of my sister. I can't move there.

I assume you are a different poster. You could pay half of your mom's expenses if you are not there helping with the daily work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is your decision to make, nor is it necessary to do anything right now.

It depends on the status of the mom. How much care does she need right now? Is she in a rehab facility?

A lot of information needed to know how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

Medicaid sounds highly unlikely. I knew family members with far less than op's mom who had too much to qualify. And there are time parameters so that people don't just move assets.

Good to meet with Mom and sister together with a financial planner who specializes in elder care.

[Anonymous]

If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

I'm willing to discuss long term. That's why I'm calling her today to ask if she has long term care insurance.

So your ideal plan is... Mom stays where she is, then when she's not able to manage that she moves to a cheaper area than where your sister lives, so she is not near either daughter? But how does she manage things in the new location?

You say you can visit *maybe* monthly. But that doesn't seem like enough, if the reason for her moving is that she couldn't manage in her current home. Do you plan to move her into a facility and she gets two daughter visits a month? And then maybe has to move again to be near your sister when she's really old? I dunno, that seems like a bad deal-- the cost and hassle of moving is going to eat up any cost of living savings.

I think you need to read up on how assisted living places do their admissions and are financed.

Well first we need to ask her, which I'm going to today.
I'll ask if she wants to continue her current living situation. I'll impress upon her how far we are from her if she needs help.
I'll ask if she'd like to put in motion selling all property and moving to sister's location so she can keep an eye on her and help, if needed.
She can also live near me (cheaper) or with me (free) but she hates it here. No hiking or scenery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

I did notice that. But living with a man who has dementia is potentially harder, more stressful, and more unsafe than living alone.