Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Back off and let your sister deal with it. You aren't willing to do the work or help in any way and that's ok, but just back off. You really don't want to put in the care effort so moving to you is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

I can either pay half for mom to live near sister and remain in the sisterhood or get divorced. It's probably that simple.

Or, I can try to finangle things we're not thinking of (like mom using all her assets to move near sister) or somehow get my husband pay agree to help pay for some home care, when needed.

That's what I'm here asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off and let your sister deal with it. You aren't willing to do the work or help in any way and that's ok, but just back off. You really don't want to put in the care effort so moving to you is a bad idea.

that's not true and you lack reading comprehension.
Heck, I said I'd help her move.

[Anonymous]

A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

I can either pay half for mom to live near sister and remain in the sisterhood or get divorced. It's probably that simple.

Or, I can try to finangle things we're not thinking of (like mom using all her assets to move near sister) or somehow get my husband pay agree to help pay for some home care, when needed.

That's what I'm here asking.

I think you need to take your husband to a financial planner so he is very clear on what is needed. Does he actually expect you to completely refuse, when your mom is so old as to be totally helpless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

thank you! My sister called me last night frantic. And I'm just like, let's tackle this in a couple days when she feels better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

I can either pay half for mom to live near sister and remain in the sisterhood or get divorced. It's probably that simple.

Or, I can try to finangle things we're not thinking of (like mom using all her assets to move near sister) or somehow get my husband pay agree to help pay for some home care, when needed.

That's what I'm here asking.

I think you need to take your husband to a financial planner so he is very clear on what is needed. Does he actually expect you to completely refuse, when your mom is so old as to be totally helpless?

OP, I would not go down this road yet. You have no real idea what the eventual needs are going to be and they are far off. Why upset your DH and relationship by all this speculation? It won’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

I can either pay half for mom to live near sister and remain in the sisterhood or get divorced. It's probably that simple.

Or, I can try to finangle things we're not thinking of (like mom using all her assets to move near sister) or somehow get my husband pay agree to help pay for some home care, when needed.

That's what I'm here asking.

I think you need to take your husband to a financial planner so he is very clear on what is needed. Does he actually expect you to completely refuse, when your mom is so old as to be totally helpless?

My husband is in banking and does all our financial planning.
He has watched my mom make some bad financial moves. Her loaning her brother 100k kept him up at night. He has a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

I did notice that. But living with a man who has dementia is potentially harder, more stressful, and more unsafe than living alone.

Same. I noticed, but if he has dementia and hasn't put assets in her name, I am sure his children aren't going to accommodate OP's mom. Hopefully the house is solely in her name and can sell. Though if partner lives with her, can he be kicked out to sell? If the other 1/2 owner of the condo can't/won't buy her out, what recourse does she have?

It is highly unlikely that "mom" has LTC insurance, and will have to spend down assets in order to qualify for Medicaid when the time comes. Assets can't be given away or moved in the 5 years preceding applying for Medicaid. And then Medicaid can only be used for a Medicaid nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

thank you! My sister called me last night frantic. And I'm just like, let's tackle this in a couple days when she feels better.

You sound like the reasonable one, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

I did notice that. But living with a man who has dementia is potentially harder, more stressful, and more unsafe than living alone.

Same. I noticed, but if he has dementia and hasn't put assets in her name, I am sure his children aren't going to accommodate OP's mom. Hopefully the house is solely in her name and can sell. Though if partner lives with her, can he be kicked out to sell? If the other 1/2 owner of the condo can't/won't buy her out, what recourse does she have?

It is highly unlikely that "mom" has LTC insurance, and will have to spend down assets in order to qualify for Medicaid when the time comes. Assets can't be given away or moved in the 5 years preceding applying for Medicaid. And then Medicaid can only be used for a Medicaid nursing home.

Or if he owns the home, that means she has no right to it if he dies. Which could happen anytime. OP and her sister and DH need to educate themselves and at least somewhat have a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say to your sister "I will visit less than once a month and I won't pay for anything", but she's not going to like it. And you can't be so un-involved and then expect and equal say over things, and still have a close sibling relationship. If your sister is going to do most of the visiting and paying, then she needs a setup that works for her, both in time and money.

From what you've said, it does not sound like your mom's financial situation is very good. I hope there are more assets. If you don't have a firm grasp of what this is going to cost, study up.

I can either pay half for mom to live near sister and remain in the sisterhood or get divorced. It's probably that simple.

Or, I can try to finangle things we're not thinking of (like mom using all her assets to move near sister) or somehow get my husband pay agree to help pay for some home care, when needed.

That's what I'm here asking.

I think you need to take your husband to a financial planner so he is very clear on what is needed. Does he actually expect you to completely refuse, when your mom is so old as to be totally helpless?

My husband is in banking and does all our financial planning.
He has watched my mom make some bad financial moves. Her loaning her brother 100k kept him up at night. He has a point.

Of course he has a point, but so what? Seriously how impoverished does he expect you to allow your mother to be? Pure Medicaid and SSA, nothing else ever?

Tell him he is pennywise and pound foolish to turn a blind eye to the cost of traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

Or, or, or, or, or. Maybe wait to make a plan until you have some facts about what is going to be the situation longer term.

I swear some people like to plan the demise of others over and over, imagining all the different bad outcomes, then wonder why all this catastrophizing isn’t popular with its subject or the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

Or, or, or, or, or. Maybe wait to make a plan until you have some facts about what is going to be the situation longer term.

I swear some people like to plan the demise of others over and over, imagining all the different bad outcomes, then wonder why all this catastrophizing isn’t popular with its subject or the rest of the family.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. Deny, deny, deny. Sorry but he has dementia! There's nothing imaginary about it. Would you want to be old and injured and your sole caregiver has dementia?