Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I explained that Mom could likely afford all this herself.
I explained that we should look for a place a little cheaper than where sister lives.
I said I'd visit as much as I can to help out.

Well, it sounds like that's maybe a short term plan but is it really a long term plan to have her living far from both daughters? Do you truly understand how hard it is for an older person to move, and how hard this could make things in a crisis? I think your sister has her eye on the long term and you're thinking short and medium term. And remember, moving is expensive. And a giant hassle for the adult children. Stop thinking so much about money, think about time and hassle.

"As much as I can" is squishy and unlikely to satisfy her. Can you commit to monthly?

My husband and I (and our kids) can commit to helping her move.
I can commit to visiting her twice yearly in her remote area (she only lives there 5 months a year)
And I can go monthly to Arizona.

And what can you do when monthly isn't enough? Because that's what happens--best case scenario. They get old!

I don't know. That's why sister wants her to move near her.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I'm very sorry about your cancer and life expectancy. It sounds like your sister is preparing for the possibility that she's ultimately the sole caregiver for your mom and your mom is older and needs a lot of care. And that's probably stressing her out. If you aren't willing to discuss the long term, tell your sister that you're not willing. But she's not wrong to bring it up.

Does your mom have enough assets to buy into a care facility? And also, she will need to offload all but one residential property to become eligible for Medicaid so maybe she should get out of that condo ownership thing now if she isn't using it.

I'm willing to discuss long term. That's why I'm calling her today to ask if she has long term care insurance.

So your ideal plan is... Mom stays where she is, then when she's not able to manage that she moves to a cheaper area than where your sister lives, so she is not near either daughter? But how does she manage things in the new location?

You say you can visit *maybe* monthly. But that doesn't seem like enough, if the reason for her moving is that she couldn't manage in her current home. Do you plan to move her into a facility and she gets two daughter visits a month? And then maybe has to move again to be near your sister when she's really old? I dunno, that seems like a bad deal-- the cost and hassle of moving is going to eat up any cost of living savings.

I think you need to read up on how assisted living places do their admissions and are financed.

Well first we need to ask her, which I'm going to today.
I'll ask if she wants to continue her current living situation. I'll impress upon her how far we are from her if she needs help.
I'll ask if she'd like to put in motion selling all property and moving to sister's location so she can keep an eye on her and help, if needed.
She can also live near me (cheaper) or with me (free) but she hates it here. No hiking or scenery.

it's not really up to Mom---sounds like she is rapidly approaching not being able to live on her own 100%. So you need a plan in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is my thread!
Recently found out that my sister buys every plane ticket for my mom to visit her to the tune of 1k sometimes.

Why does it matter that your sister pays for a plane ticket so Your mom can fly to see her and her family? Genuinely curious.

I mean I've always paid for my parents tickets since I was about 30 (and much more financially secure than my parents). It's what loving kids do for their parents, assuming they can afford it. We also figured it was simpler, easier and cheaper to fly my parents rather than the 3 or 4 of us (once last kid arrived) to see them. This way we were in our home and had everything the kids needed. So yeah, I'd rather pay for parents to travel (while they can) than for me to pick up everything and fly to see them and stay in a hotel

[Anonymous]

Because that entire thread was about her visiting my sister more often than me and I couldn't figure out why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is my thread!
Recently found out that my sister buys every plane ticket for my mom to visit her to the tune of 1k sometimes.

Why does it matter that your sister pays for a plane ticket so Your mom can fly to see her and her family? Genuinely curious.

I mean I've always paid for my parents tickets since I was about 30 (and much more financially secure than my parents). It's what loving kids do for their parents, assuming they can afford it. We also figured it was simpler, easier and cheaper to fly my parents rather than the 3 or 4 of us (once last kid arrived) to see them. This way we were in our home and had everything the kids needed. So yeah, I'd rather pay for parents to travel (while they can) than for me to pick up everything and fly to see them and stay in a hotel

In the previous thread the OP was complaining that her mom was not visiting her. Her assumption was that the mom doesn't like her and her family much. Maybe mom was visiting sister all along more because she had her tickets paid for! Looks like the OP is out of the loop between mom-sister dynamics and has taken it negatively while the real reason was that the sister was inviting and paying for mom to come. I could see how this is also the reason the sister is now asking OP to pitch in financially as she's never done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our mother - typically in good shape, age 79 - fell and broke a rib. She is thousands of miles from us in a relatively remote location where she lives and where we grew up. I live in the midwest. My sister in the Mountain west.
At any rate, sister said she thinks we should move mom to her state nearby so we can attend to her in her older age.
Mom would refuse to live in the midwest, and she might even refuse to live in MW, although she does love it there.
Sister wants me to help pay for her to get a condo or help out financially in some way.
I said no, it would overextend us. And, my husband would never agree to helping out any relative.
I don't want our usually close relationship to unravel over this.


I would imagine we have more net worth than sister via real estate that we weren't planning on selling.

Husband and i have worked our butts off with no help from either side so we'd like to enjoy our retirement doing the things we planned. I've just been diagnosed with cancer, that will likely limit my life expectancy, so this plays in on it too. I plan on retiring next year and would have time to visit mom more often, if needed and if I feel good enough.

How do people navigate this?

Your mom has to agree to whatever solution you can offer, it can't be her choice. You need to love her, take care of her needs, not her wants. She needs to live where its affordable.