Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

I did notice that. But living with a man who has dementia is potentially harder, more stressful, and more unsafe than living alone.

Same. I noticed, but if he has dementia and hasn't put assets in her name, I am sure his children aren't going to accommodate OP's mom. Hopefully the house is solely in her name and can sell. Though if partner lives with her, can he be kicked out to sell? If the other 1/2 owner of the condo can't/won't buy her out, what recourse does she have?

It is highly unlikely that "mom" has LTC insurance, and will have to spend down assets in order to qualify for Medicaid when the time comes. Assets can't be given away or moved in the 5 years preceding applying for Medicaid. And then Medicaid can only be used for a Medicaid nursing home.

good advice. They have two houses where they live remotely and one in Arizona, and a condo in Arizona they own jointly. Only one house where they live remotely is in her name. I understand and have repeatedly told her she will get nothing from his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

[Anonymous]

Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

Well, she may not like it as much when his dementia is worse. Or his children may force him to move, without her.

This stuff is so stressful with adults having new partners. My mom is headed in this direction except her partner is not wealthy, he's broke, and it's so horrible.

Try to be on good terms with his children, you may need to work with them as a team to sell the properties. And beware-- he may try to have her buy him out or other funny business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

She’s been with him for 30 years, you think she should just leave him? Is that what you think your husband should do now you have cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

Arizona for the winter, which in her case is Nov 1-May 1. I will ask her today but likely does not need to (or want to) move right now.
I feel a lilttle manipulated by my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

Well, she may not like it as much when his dementia is worse. Or his children may force him to move, without her.

This stuff is so stressful with adults having new partners. My mom is headed in this direction except her partner is not wealthy, he's broke, and it's so horrible.

Try to be on good terms with his children, you may need to work with them as a team to sell the properties. And beware-- he may try to have her buy him out or other funny business.

30 years isn’t a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom lives with a partner, she's not willing to move on her own. Didn't anyone notice? She does not live by herself. Otherwise of course, you need to spend down mom's own assets before having to subsidize. You need to ask her what her and her partner's plans are.

I did notice that. But living with a man who has dementia is potentially harder, more stressful, and more unsafe than living alone.

Same. I noticed, but if he has dementia and hasn't put assets in her name, I am sure his children aren't going to accommodate OP's mom. Hopefully the house is solely in her name and can sell. Though if partner lives with her, can he be kicked out to sell? If the other 1/2 owner of the condo can't/won't buy her out, what recourse does she have?

It is highly unlikely that "mom" has LTC insurance, and will have to spend down assets in order to qualify for Medicaid when the time comes. Assets can't be given away or moved in the 5 years preceding applying for Medicaid. And then Medicaid can only be used for a Medicaid nursing home.

good advice. They have two houses where they live remotely and one in Arizona, and a condo in Arizona they own jointly. Only one house where they live remotely is in her name. I understand and have repeatedly told her she will get nothing from his children.

Why do they need two separate residences in Arizona? I would see if they can sell the condo ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

Well, she may not like it as much when his dementia is worse. Or his children may force him to move, without her.

This stuff is so stressful with adults having new partners. My mom is headed in this direction except her partner is not wealthy, he's broke, and it's so horrible.

Try to be on good terms with his children, you may need to work with them as a team to sell the properties. And beware-- he may try to have her buy him out or other funny business.

30 years isn’t a new partner.

He's new in that he isn't OP's dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

She’s been with him for 30 years, you think she should just leave him? Is that what you think your husband should do now you have cancer?

Oh FFS nobody is saying that. They could, together, move to a place that makes more sense, and into a situation where she isn't caring for him because there's other care. If you had dementia would you want a 79 year old with a broken rib as your primary caregiver? Or would you want someone who can actually do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

Arizona for the winter, which in her case is Nov 1-May 1. I will ask her today but likely does not need to (or want to) move right now.
I feel a lilttle manipulated by my sister.

How is she manipulating you? She wants to talk about this and you don't. She wants to move mom and you don't. You're having a disagreement. But I don't see manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

She’s been with him for 30 years, you think she should just leave him? Is that what you think your husband should do now you have cancer?

Oh FFS nobody is saying that. They could, together, move to a place that makes more sense, and into a situation where she isn't caring for him because there's other care. If you had dementia would you want a 79 year old with a broken rib as your primary caregiver? Or would you want someone who can actually do it?

At 79 with no real health problems, who is an active hiker and enjoys the outdoors, I would not want to have a caregiver in my home at all and I would resent my kids indicating I should move to some sort of care facility.

[Anonymous]

Well, if mom can stay with you for free (as you mentioned), then I'd definitely not start offering money here and there to move and buy condos. Doesn't like hiking, huh? When she's so old she needs help, she'll not be hiking anywhere. If she's good enough for hiking, she can stay put or in Arizona. That said, she's not going to abandon a "partner" of 30 years, most people's marriages don't last as long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

Well, she may not like it as much when his dementia is worse. Or his children may force him to move, without her.

This stuff is so stressful with adults having new partners. My mom is headed in this direction except her partner is not wealthy, he's broke, and it's so horrible.

Try to be on good terms with his children, you may need to work with them as a team to sell the properties. And beware-- he may try to have her buy him out or other funny business.

30 years isn’t a new partner.

I think it comes as a rude awakening to a lot of people that any partner who isn't the kids' bio parent and/or didn't help raise them will always be "new", and that the kids will not see that person as a priority or be willing to compromise their actual parent's well-being, safety, and finances. There's a lot of pressure in a "blended" family to smile and say the right things and do holidays, but when difficult caregiving situations come up, that facade comes down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

She’s been with him for 30 years, you think she should just leave him? Is that what you think your husband should do now you have cancer?

Oh FFS nobody is saying that. They could, together, move to a place that makes more sense, and into a situation where she isn't caring for him because there's other care. If you had dementia would you want a 79 year old with a broken rib as your primary caregiver? Or would you want someone who can actually do it?

At 79 with no real health problems, who is an active hiker and enjoys the outdoors, I would not want to have a caregiver in my home at all and I would resent my kids indicating I should move to some sort of care facility.

Ok, have a great time hiking while being a dementia caregiver, and receiving care from a person with dementia. Nobody is saying she has to move right now, but it's a fair and realistic question how things will be handled as his condition worsens and they both age.