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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
[b]I said no,[/b] it would overextend us. And, [b]my husband would never agree to helping out any relative.[/b]

[b]Husband and i have worked our butts off with no help from either side so we'd like to enjoy our retirement doing the things we planned. I've just been diagnosed with cancer, that will likely limit my life expectancy, so this plays in on it too[/b]. I plan on retiring next year and would have time to [b]visit mom more often, if needed and if I feel good enough. [/b]
[/quote]

Ok, so you have a potentially life shortening diagnosis, a husband saying no, and you don’t feel any obligation to help. Possibly visiting 1x a month or less is not “help,” and it can be very disruptive if you are that out of town relative with a lot of input when you aren’t boots on the ground. Visiting is for love. Visiting is great. Visiting is not helping unless you can temporarily take over primary caretaking, and it doesn’t sound like you could.

Since you are not able to help, you need to be honest with your sister and tell her that. Don’t string her along. Tell her that given your health and husband you can’t make any time commitments and you won’t be contributing financially. This also means you don’t make any decisions or judge them.

OP, is this your thread:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1218716.page

If so, there’s quite a bit of additional context. If this isn’t your thread, please disregard. 
Background: OP has adult children and was resentful that Mom was closer to Sister who had teens. Mom disliked OP’s chosen home, distant from the FOO hometown. OP’s family doesn’t enjoy the active lifestyle that Mom does, and they don’t seem to want to bend at all.

There seems to be quite a bit of u resolved resentment. Mom is independent and really doesn’t like the Midwest or OP’s lifestyle. Mom doesn’t disapprove, and seems quite independent. But Mom and OP seem to be very different people with different lifestyles and values.

Mom is not going to want to live in a place she hates with an AC who resents her and with whom she doesn’t have much in common. If Mom is willing to move, she’s going to move near Sister. They have a closer relationship and Sister will have a better understanding of how to support Mom as she ages.[/quote]

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