Elder care from afar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

You mean she wants his sons to care for him and her and her sister to care for her mom. I.e. split them up amongst their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

You mean she wants his sons to care for him and her and her sister to care for her mom. I.e. split them up amongst their children.

No, I mean they could hire a caregiver. But that can be hard to do in a remote location. It might be easier to get good help if they moved.

It's unclear to me why moving to AZ together is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

You mean she wants his sons to care for him and her and her sister to care for her mom. I.e. split them up amongst their children.

No, I mean they could hire a caregiver. But that can be hard to do in a remote location. It might be easier to get good help if they moved.

It's unclear to me why moving to AZ together is not the answer.

She doesnt' really like it there full time. If he dies first she has no where to go. The house is in his name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

If he had done something to provide for her, I would feel differently.

This. Partner has spent 30 years protecting his children's interests, rather than securing his and his 30-year partner's interest. OP's mom is going to get screwed in this deal. When will women learn? And the kids will let OP's mom do the heavy lifting for their dad until she can't anymore, taking advantage of her. I'm sure this is why the sister feels panicked--trying to navigate what will undoubtedly be a difficult situation.

There really isn't anything to do at this point because the mom is 79 and still hikes. But eventually the partner will need more care than she can give. The sisters need to be preparing for that eventuality. The mom needs to get her financial affairs in order so the sisters know what they're dealing with. Clearly the mom is willing to live in a mess of a situation -- until she can't.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am unclear.
1) Mom has a pension (only or also SS)?
2) She solely owns a house in a remote location worth 260K.
3) Separately, she co-owns something else?? Where, and co-owns with who?
4) The 3rd property: She lives part of the year in partner's house in AZ. She has no rights to this house and she will have to move out the minute partner either dies or is moved out for more care.

Is this correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

If he had done something to provide for her, I would feel differently.

This. Partner has spent 30 years protecting his children's interests, rather than securing his and his 30-year partner's interest. OP's mom is going to get screwed in this deal. When will women learn? And the kids will let OP's mom do the heavy lifting for their dad until she can't anymore, taking advantage of her. I'm sure this is why the sister feels panicked--trying to navigate what will undoubtedly be a difficult situation.

There really isn't anything to do at this point because the mom is 79 and still hikes. But eventually the partner will need more care than she can give. The sisters need to be preparing for that eventuality. The mom needs to get her financial affairs in order so the sisters know what they're dealing with. Clearly the mom is willing to live in a mess of a situation -- until she can't.

Thanks. explained perfectly. And she just won't listen to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A broken rib is really not a big deal, if that is all that is wrong. OP didn’t say she punctured a lung or anything serious. I’ve broken many ribs and it’s uncomfortable, that is all. There is often no real treatment either…they don’t tape them any more, usually.

I don’t see why this is resulting in so much pressure to move.

Because, obviously, older people don't heal or recover as fast. And depending on the context, it can mean that she's losing her sense of balance. Or osteoporosis or something. Both will get worse. And her partner has dementia which will also get worse. So, as often happens, a not-that-bad injury is a harbinger of things to come and a wake-up call for the family.

She doesn't have to move right now but clearly that's where she's headed. "My boyfriend with dementia will care for me singlehandedly" is not a plan.

She is actually caring for him and we hate it. One reason to move to sister's area. He won't come with. But I think part of her likes doing it.

OP is pretty clear she wants mom to leave the dude, not sure why it’s even a debate.

It sounds like she hates that the mom is burdened with being a dementia caregiver.

You mean she wants his sons to care for him and her and her sister to care for her mom. I.e. split them up amongst their children.

No, I mean they could hire a caregiver. But that can be hard to do in a remote location. It might be easier to get good help if they moved.

It's unclear to me why moving to AZ together is not the answer.

She doesnt' really like it there full time. If he dies first she has no where to go. The house is in his name.

A possibility. Mom stays status quo until either she needs more care, or he needs more care, and she is forced to move out. At that point, they can sell Mom's house (or sooner if Mom and Partner can no longer travel) and put money into something like an annuity or conservative investment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am unclear.
1) Mom has a pension (only or also SS)?
2) She solely owns a house in a remote location worth 260K.
3) Separately, she co-owns something else?? Where, and co-owns with who?
4) The 3rd property: She lives part of the year in partner's house in AZ. She has no rights to this house and she will have to move out the minute partner either dies or is moved out for more care.

Is this correct?

OP said this: ". They have two houses where they live remotely and one in Arizona, and a condo in Arizona they own jointly. Only one house where they live remotely is in her name."

So I think the mom owns a house but doesn't live in it in the remote area, and she also co-owns a condo in AZ but doesn't want to live there. And she doesn't own the house she's actually living in now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am unclear.
1) Mom has a pension (only or also SS)?
2) She solely owns a house in a remote location worth 260K.
3) Separately, she co-owns something else?? Where, and co-owns with who?
4) The 3rd property: She lives part of the year in partner's house in AZ. She has no rights to this house and she will have to move out the minute partner either dies or is moved out for more care.

Is this correct?

1. yes, just a pension, not sure how much. She's a former teacher. In a windfall state so cant' receive SS. She mistakenly received my father's SS (as they'd been married 12 years) and SS is making her pay it back. 43k. I'm not sure how much is left. I said partner should just write that check for you. She said he won't.
2. yes
3. co owns a condo worth about 200k with partner
4. correct. He said he will leave it to her but never does. hems and haws and puts her off. I've asked her to set deadlines but he blows past them. of course, dementia might be part of that but this has been going on since he built the house 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I think you can say to your sister "I hear your concern, and I think we should work on understanding Mom's financial situation. Then we can make a decision with better information."

Then you try to get clarity on everything and you try to see if her $100K is ever coming back. That should take a while and then you can make a better decision at that time. Eldercare is full of surprises and crises and things could be quite different 6 months from now (or not).

You can also improve her situation without forcing her to move. Simplifying her finances, getting on waitlists, maybe getting her out of the condo ownership, maybe prepping her fully-owned house to sell, whatever is needed. Your sister will likely feel better if she feels you are her partner in dealing with things. Not just saying no to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am unclear.
1) Mom has a pension (only or also SS)?
2) She solely owns a house in a remote location worth 260K.
3) Separately, she co-owns something else?? Where, and co-owns with who?
4) The 3rd property: She lives part of the year in partner's house in AZ. She has no rights to this house and she will have to move out the minute partner either dies or is moved out for more care.

Is this correct?

1. yes, just a pension, not sure how much. She's a former teacher. In a windfall state so cant' receive SS. She mistakenly received my father's SS (as they'd been married 12 years) and SS is making her pay it back. 43k. I'm not sure how much is left. I said partner should just write that check for you. She said he won't.
2. yes
3. co owns a condo worth about 200k with partner
4. correct. He said he will leave it to her but never does. hems and haws and puts her off. I've asked her to set deadlines but he blows past them. of course, dementia might be part of that but this has been going on since he built the house 15 years ago.

-She will never see anything from the new house.
-Find out how much she owes the IRS.
-Is the co-owned condo now a rental?
-How much do they earn from that?
-Selling it will be 200K - selling expenses.
-Will taxes be due if it's sold?
-Who pays for their living expenses? Shared? Or does partner pay them?

Or, you just put blinders on to it and hope for the best.

At this point, your mom isn't going to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

This. If Mom has lived with a guy for 30 years I suspect she does not want to leave him. Have you asked Mom where she wants to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can say to your sister "I hear your concern, and I think we should work on understanding Mom's financial situation. Then we can make a decision with better information."

Then you try to get clarity on everything and you try to see if her $100K is ever coming back. That should take a while and then you can make a better decision at that time. Eldercare is full of surprises and crises and things could be quite different 6 months from now (or not).

You can also improve her situation without forcing her to move. Simplifying her finances, getting on waitlists, maybe getting her out of the condo ownership, maybe prepping her fully-owned house to sell, whatever is needed. Your sister will likely feel better if she feels you are her partner in dealing with things. Not just saying no to her.

I agree with all of this. Your sister needs to feel that you are in this with her. And you both need to give each other grace as you go through it. It is hugely stressful when parents without money need help, and compounded when their living situation is tricky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a breath.

Tell your sister that you are not willing to help financially at this point. It really doesn’t make sense given your cancer diagnosis and how expensive that is likely to be.

Do you guys understand your mom’s financial situation? Why did your sister jump to financial help?

Does your mom even want to move? She’s only 79. She gets to decide where she lives unless she has dementia.

If your mom only lives in the remote area 5 months a year, where does she live the rest of the time?

This. If Mom has lived with a guy for 30 years I suspect she does not want to leave him. Have you asked Mom where she wants to be?

I would ask your mom what she expects to happen moving forward. How she thinks things will play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am unclear.
1) Mom has a pension (only or also SS)?
2) She solely owns a house in a remote location worth 260K.
3) Separately, she co-owns something else?? Where, and co-owns with who?
4) The 3rd property: She lives part of the year in partner's house in AZ. She has no rights to this house and she will have to move out the minute partner either dies or is moved out for more care.

Is this correct?

1. yes, just a pension, not sure how much. She's a former teacher. In a windfall state so cant' receive SS. She mistakenly received my father's SS (as they'd been married 12 years) and SS is making her pay it back. 43k. I'm not sure how much is left. I said partner should just write that check for you. She said he won't.
2. yes
3. co owns a condo worth about 200k with partner
4. correct. He said he will leave it to her but never does. hems and haws and puts her off. I've asked her to set deadlines but he blows past them. of course, dementia might be part of that but this has been going on since he built the house 15 years ago.

-She will never see anything from the new house.
-Find out how much she owes the IRS.
-Is the co-owned condo now a rental?
-How much do they earn from that?
-Selling it will be 200K - selling expenses.
-Will taxes be due if it's sold?
-Who pays for their living expenses? Shared? Or does partner pay them?

Or, you just put blinders on to it and hope for the best.

At this point, your mom isn't going to do anything.

the condo is now a rental. I don't know which of them receives the income. They share expenses. She pays for and makes all the food.