massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

This is literally what I was thinking. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the same room with my husband again after this, much less sleeping with him or having years or decades more with a person so lacking in morality or responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have twins too and they are mostly done because I started nagging early and relentlessly (which I hated, I hate to nag) BUT ds is refusing to do supplementals so only applying to schools that do not require, which means zero reaches. Dd is going to do just two supplementals and dragging her feet about adding more schools to her list. I don't think either of them are applying to as good a school as they could get into, which is ultimately their choice because I cannot be their brain. The process has been so stressful and a little disappointing.

But -- you sound like a good parent. You're doing the right thing. They may LOVE where they land. They may also be a little jealous of some of their friends who wrote all the supplementals and got into their dream schools.

These are natural consequences. OP's husband is wrong to not want the kids to face them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Well how competitive are they? I mean if they aren't going to selective colleges then it doesn't really matter that much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, investigate marriage counseling.

I don't know what advice you are looking for from this parental message board, but yours is the most pathetic post I have ever read on this forum. It doesn't sound like you need to run away from your family, it seems that you and your husband have extremely different values and need help working through those conflicts.

I have three kids that went through this process. Only one of the three was a serious student, but ALL three wrote their own essays.I can't imagine anything different.

NP. I find your post to much more pathetic than OP’s. If you have no imagination and no empathy, why bother to post? Just to feel superior? That’s truly dreadful.

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Like others have said, your DH’s approach is bizarre, and your kids need to give you a schedule of when they will do the applications so you can supervise appropriately. I’m the much more laid back parent in my household, but I’d absolutely be freaking out if the kids were doing so little on this front. Agree that there is likely some anxiety at work because it’s an unfamiliar process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, investigate marriage counseling.

I don't know what advice you are looking for from this parental message board, but yours is the most pathetic post I have ever read on this forum. It doesn't sound like you need to run away from your family, it seems that you and your husband have extremely different values and need help working through those conflicts.

I have three kids that went through this process. Only one of the three was a serious student, but ALL three wrote their own essays.I can't imagine anything different.

NP. I find your post to much more pathetic than OP’s. If you have no imagination and no empathy, why bother to post? Just to feel superior? That’s truly dreadful.

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Like others have said, your DH’s approach is bizarre, and your kids need to give you a schedule of when they will do the applications so you can supervise appropriately. I’m the much more laid back parent in my household, but I’d absolutely be freaking out if the kids were doing so little on this front. Agree that there is likely some anxiety at work because it’s an unfamiliar process.

For clarity: I can’t imagine allowing my kids to submit anything they didn’t write themselves.
And I believe that this couple needs professional counseling to help resolve the issue. She’s talking about moving out for a while, that sounds destructive for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

Yeah, there is a compromise here. I would not go punishing them, but help them. It's stressful and avoidance is a way to deal with anxiety. I would absolutely offer to sit down with them and help them navigate Common Ap and I would check over everything. I would start setting small deadlines with them. Have they done the main essay yet? If not, see if the school has a workshop for this. For the smaller essays/paragraphs/extras some schools require set a deadline they write that by Sunday night for the TOP choice school. You and your husband look at it, make suggestions and at least things are moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

Yeah, there is a compromise here. I would not go punishing them, but help them. It's stressful and avoidance is a way to deal with anxiety. I would absolutely offer to sit down with them and help them navigate Common Ap and I would check over everything. I would start setting small deadlines with them. Have they done the main essay yet? If not, see if the school has a workshop for this. For the smaller essays/paragraphs/extras some schools require set a deadline they write that by Sunday night for the TOP choice school. You and your husband look at it, make suggestions and at least things are moving.

OP--I set deadlines and one of the kids just ignores them. The other follows through. I could say to the first "you need to have the this supplmental done by Sunday" and Sunday will come and go and he will not have started it. I have no way of actually enforcing this. My husband does not believe in restricting any privileges (he does not believe you can punish kids into better behavior) so I'm pretty powerless.

Some of you are suggesting approaches that assume that I'm dealing with a kid who will do what I say in regards to college deadlines. I could stand on my head and wave a thousands dollars around and beg and plead and there will always be an excuse as to why the college tasks cannot be completed with this child. If step away and don't address anything college for a week--- nothing gets done. I nag---nothing gets done. Nothing seems to move the needle.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that’s really rough, OP. I admire that you’re trying to make your kids take responsibility, and I would be furious at my husband for refusing to discipline them when they spend time on their phones and going out and not getting it done. Can’t believe your husband said he’d write their essays!! What a lesson for your kids. Just commiserating with your plight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

And THIS is why people pay 40K for a college counselor. To provide the external motivation that the parents don't want to provide themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let the natural consequences play out, but I would also let your DH know how disappointed you are and why (i.e., enabling your kids); let them (your kids and your husband) know that your are available now to guide them, but you do not plan to do the work for them because they are now adults. If they wait too long, they AND YOUR HUSBAND will have 30+ essays to write. Let them (your kids and your husband) be that stressed and feel the regret.

This totally glosses over the fact that no one else other than the students should be writing these essays. You all really want to treat this is workload rather than cheating? Op's husband is cool with teaching his kids to cheat before they even start college. And, your counter is that it will be work for him? What is wrong with people?!

Of course it’s cheating, but the husband clearly doesn’t care. I’m not going to give relationship advice — the OP can take that up with her DH. To the direct issue of the kids not wanting to put in the effort now, all I’m saying is she should let natural consequences happen — that is, they will face a deadline to get 30 essays in and are going to either get it done with a lot of stress, or not get it done at all. If the DH wants to write them, then he will feel the stress. I literally saw the same thing happen to a colleague; he had to take PTO just to get everything done, which I thought was ludicrous — but that’s his own doing.

[Anonymous]

Seems like it’s basically a lottery anyway so not worth destroying your family over it. With the way things have been going, they might even have better options if they do a worse job of the applications!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

Yeah, there is a compromise here. I would not go punishing them, but help them. It's stressful and avoidance is a way to deal with anxiety. I would absolutely offer to sit down with them and help them navigate Common Ap and I would check over everything. I would start setting small deadlines with them. Have they done the main essay yet? If not, see if the school has a workshop for this. For the smaller essays/paragraphs/extras some schools require set a deadline they write that by Sunday night for the TOP choice school. You and your husband look at it, make suggestions and at least things are moving.

OP--I set deadlines and one of the kids just ignores them. The other follows through. I could say to the first "you need to have the this supplmental done by Sunday" and Sunday will come and go and he will not have started it. I have no way of actually enforcing this. My husband does not believe in restricting any privileges (he does not believe you can punish kids into better behavior) so I'm pretty powerless.

Some of you are suggesting approaches that assume that I'm dealing with a kid who will do what I say in regards to college deadlines. I could stand on my head and wave a thousands dollars around and beg and plead and there will always be an excuse as to why the college tasks cannot be completed with this child. If step away and don't address anything college for a week--- nothing gets done. I nag---nothing gets done. Nothing seems to move the needle.

Sounds like the issue is with only one of the kids, not both. Honestly, at the end of the day, if the kid does nothing, then they will need to navigate next year without a college acceptance. That will likely mean CC while working a job and applying to a 4-year college for their sophomore year. I would make that clear to my kid and then step back. If you and your DH have trained your 18y.o. DS to assume that his parents will bail him out at the last minute, he is behaving rationally. The only way to break the cycle is to truly break it. If you are unwilling to do so and live with the consequences, then your DH writing their applications is just another notch on the spectrum of enabling dysfuntional behavior...of which you are both guilty.

You kid is an adult (albeit a very young one). You are offering help. He is still refusing. At some point, he has to do the minimum and at least accept the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Their father is an a**hole. What do you expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

I know a woman who wrote everything for her daughter. Papers, essays, anything that can be done outside of class from middle school through high school. She had to leave her first college. She did graduate the second one. She is directionless. She was addicted to drugs but is sober now. She has family money for rent, expenses, etc.

Not that this is going to happen if the father writes the essays but the sense of entitlement won’t go away so easily.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting.
I get it’s not going well but leaving the house for a month?
Applying to college is stressful and many kids don’t know how to deal.
I think it’s a bit too big of an investment to let them fall on their face and learn a lesson.
If you can hire a college counselor /essay advisor to keep them on track that could help a lot so you are not middle man.
Otherwise work w husband to try to get a plan in place that means he and/or you engaged day to day now.
FWIW, I got overwhelmed by this process and my dad sat w me for days in this process - made tea, and offered suggestions. He didn’t write the essays but I am sure many here would say he was too involved. I got into and went to an HYP school. No he didn’t do this for me - you have to do a lot on your own to get that done. And yes I am very successful today all these years later.

Applying to college is not a normal life thing and if an 18 year needs extra handholding to manage through, so be it. Beats WW3 and is not an indication they’ll fail in life