massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

[Anonymous]

Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take a big step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

They don’t have to apply early decision. They can apply later.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t help them you’ll be stuck with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

[Anonymous]

I can absolutely see how having it x2 is a lot. Hang in there OP. No advice but am wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

My oldest did 14 out of 16 applications the 2 weeks of Xmas break last year.

He did meet the Nov. 1st EA deadline for one restricted private and UVA. AT that point, the common app and main essay were obviously done.

What he didn't forsee were the sheer amount of supplemental essays/questions. He was applying almost solely to T10s and T20s so they varied. He was able to repurpose a lot of them, but had to change word count a lot.

It all got done. It is a stressful time with a lot going on. But---all that time on the phone is a no-go for me. My kid had sports most weekends and evenings so that made it tough. He was also hoping to get into EA which on SCOIR should have been a no-brainer but after getting deferred 12/15---he was pissed and buckled down after midterms to crank out to a bunch of schools.

The big picture was that he was ultimately admitted to the first EA, but also to many reaches.

My spouse was a lot like you and constantly yelling and getting pissed about the lack of college app work--but I saw how much on the plate the kid had Fall semester and knew they would get done. Son is more like me in that multi-tasking a million different things isn't the best. Much better to be in 'college mode'. Those two weeks were like Santa's workshop up in my office---he was cranking them out and even having a little bit of fun with the questions.

[Anonymous]

My approach was, if you are not ready to do the work to get into a college - then you are not ready for college.
I’m sorry your partner wants to enable them, what will happen a year from now and they procrastinate on assignments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest did 14 out of 16 applications the 2 weeks of Xmas break last year.

He did meet the Nov. 1st EA deadline for one restricted private and UVA. AT that point, the common app and main essay were obviously done.

What he didn't forsee were the sheer amount of supplemental essays/questions. He was applying almost solely to T10s and T20s so they varied. He was able to repurpose a lot of them, but had to change word count a lot.

It all got done. It is a stressful time with a lot going on. But---all that time on the phone is a no-go for me. My kid had sports most weekends and evenings so that made it tough. He was also hoping to get into EA which on SCOIR should have been a no-brainer but after getting deferred 12/15---he was pissed and buckled down after midterms to crank out to a bunch of schools.

The big picture was that he was ultimately admitted to the first EA, but also to many reaches.

My spouse was a lot like you and constantly yelling and getting pissed about the lack of college app work--but I saw how much on the plate the kid had Fall semester and knew they would get done. Son is more like me in that multi-tasking a million different things isn't the best. Much better to be in 'college mode'. Those two weeks were like Santa's workshop up in my office---he was cranking them out and even having a little bit of fun with the questions.

OP here Was your son spending 12 hours during a weekend day on his phone during the fall?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

[Anonymous]

Are they both boys? You have to designate a certain time every weekend where you DH should sit with them and have them work on their essays. We literally sat down with our son and had him write his essays and gave him a lot of input on how to get it done. Its a very tedious with kids like this. This is a reason why people outsource this part.