massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

Find a nice couples counselor for you and dh. Do a telehealth appt. Agree that him writing essays for them is hard no.

For teens require a couple hours every Saturday morning taking it up as the deadline approaches.

[Anonymous]

Just one story: my friend’s kid was the same and parents were professors (one, a writing professor). Begged and begged and kid promised and promised. Nothing got done. The day apps were due for EA, kid submitted 6 apps, writing the essays that day. Kid got into all 6 schools, now at W&M.

[Anonymous]

OP, you just don’t like how your son is choosing to go about writing the essays. Your husband is saying he will write the essays so you stop nagging. You said it doesn’t work so there is no point in getting upset.

Your son does homework on Sundays so he is used to sitting down for hours and getting work done. Maybe he won’t finish 20 to 30 applications, so he will prioritize the ones he wants to apply to. Maybe he just applies to 5 schools then. They are his applications not yours.

[Anonymous]

I didn't take the time to read all the responses, but we also had an smart but unmotivated student who procrastinated at every turn. We didn't want to have the level of stress we anticipated during college applications, so we hired a college admissions consultant. She set the deadlines for him and they met frequently during his senior year to finalize the common app and essays. It was the best spent money for us, because I don't think it would have gone as smoothly. He ended up at his top 20 dream school.

As an adult, he still procrastinates, but not on things that are life changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Sex strike

[Anonymous]

OP - Agree with setting a deadline and if deadline is not met, then imposing a 2-3 hour window of time where the whole family gathers to help with applications - maybe Sunday 10 am to Noon. And by “help” I mean getting their common app completely done - all the activities lists, bio info etc, and mapping out when common app essay has to be done and how many supplementals and when each has to be done. Your husband has to help enforce these study/App hours. Bot of you -unified front. I feel your pain went through it last year - and it only gets worse from here as the kids lose steam with so many Apps and it’s just ALOT with school activities, pressure to keep up grades senior year and fighting senioritis. Focus on two or three schools that THEY care about and get at least ONE state school safety that does not require essays, often on rolling admission, so they feel they accomplished something and you have peace of mind knowing they will go somewhere. If they don’t get their act together for the other schools - then they were not ready and will be wasting your money. What husband needs to understand is that if they don’t want this- he can’t make them want this. Editing is ok - but they have to write the first draft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

This is literally what I was thinking. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the same room with my husband again after this, much less sleeping with him or having years or decades more with a person so lacking in morality or responsibility.

Same here. Ick. I’d divorce over this. Then he’d only have 1/2 of the money he has now to pay for 100% of their tuition, room and board, etc. No way in hell would I be paying for 2 people who couldn’t be bothered to do their own work.

[Anonymous]

The actual common app part is not that time consuming. Your kid could fill most of it out in one sitting. If they aren’t inclined to write essays then pick a school that doesn’t require essays. The common app essay prompt is so broad your kid probably could repurpose a piece of writing they did for an English class and make that their essay to check that box.

Some schools will give automatic admission and merit $ for high scores. It’s not like these kids have to go to community college. It sounds like they might not be the kind of gunner that wants to compete in a T20 situation, so maybe the big fish in a smaller pond approach is better. They can always transfer if they later want to up their game.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I should add that if they want to try to get merit $ then at most places they need to apply by the early deadline, usually around Nov 1. So they could do a solid one and done application, then see what happens. If that doesn’t work out then they can work on RD applications over the winter holiday.

[Anonymous]

So the DH says he will write all the essays. Here are your choices:
1) Call his bluff. Tell DH to get-to-work because you want ALL essays completed within the next 2 weeks.

2) Let your DH take over. Will he actually go thru the applications at each school to look up when each is due in addition to sending transcripts from the school?

You obviously have a DH problem vs a kid problem. Please update us at the end of this application season. It will be interesting to see who will break first. My bet is your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

My daughter applied to 21 schools and nothing was done now. ED is Nov 1 or 15 as is EA. Chill, baby. They are good students and will figure it out. Get your own life:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

This is literally what I was thinking. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the same room with my husband again after this, much less sleeping with him or having years or decades more with a person so lacking in morality or responsibility.

You are too pure. In the 70’s my father in law rewrote/wrote my DH’s essay for ED late at night. It’s all bullshit with tutors, counselors, fake extra time, fake non-profits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

This is literally what I was thinking. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the same room with my husband again after this, much less sleeping with him or having years or decades more with a person so lacking in morality or responsibility.

Same here. Ick. I’d divorce over this. Then he’d only have 1/2 of the money he has now to pay for 100% of their tuition, room and board, etc. No way in hell would I be paying for 2 people who couldn’t be bothered to do their own work.

Divorce? You are nuts. These applications are stupid. Of course, I helped look stuff up for why this school. You are putting too much morality on an immoral process. Kushner’s father bought his way to Harvard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

Yeah, there is a compromise here. I would not go punishing them, but help them. It's stressful and avoidance is a way to deal with anxiety. I would absolutely offer to sit down with them and help them navigate Common Ap and I would check over everything. I would start setting small deadlines with them. Have they done the main essay yet? If not, see if the school has a workshop for this. For the smaller essays/paragraphs/extras some schools require set a deadline they write that by Sunday night for the TOP choice school. You and your husband look at it, make suggestions and at least things are moving.

OP--I set deadlines and one of the kids just ignores them. The other follows through. I could say to the first "you need to have the this supplmental done by Sunday" and Sunday will come and go and he will not have started it. I have no way of actually enforcing this. My husband does not believe in restricting any privileges (he does not believe you can punish kids into better behavior) so I'm pretty powerless.

Some of you are suggesting approaches that assume that I'm dealing with a kid who will do what I say in regards to college deadlines. I could stand on my head and wave a thousands dollars around and beg and plead and there will always be an excuse as to why the college tasks cannot be completed with this child. If step away and don't address anything college for a week--- nothing gets done. I nag---nothing gets done. Nothing seems to move the needle.

Nagging is not an effective strategy. Get outside support and simplify the application list so he doesn’t have to write 30+ essays. As others have suggested, start with two targets and two safeties. Every state has at least a target and a safety school for each student that shouldn’t be overly involved application. Help make this a more manageable process. The kid seems overwhelmed and suffering from procrastination paralysis. Nagging will not work to get him unstuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if my DH were contemplating worwriting my kids' essays, I'd let him know i was contemplating divorce. That is how outrageous and immoral and detrimental to my children I think that is, and it would be a strong indication that my DH is not a person I want to be associated with.

Just, no.

This is literally what I was thinking. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the same room with my husband again after this, much less sleeping with him or having years or decades more with a person so lacking in morality or responsibility.

You are too pure. In the 70’s my father in law rewrote/wrote my DH’s essay for ED late at night. It’s all bullshit with tutors, counselors, fake extra time, fake non-profits.

well how sad for them. plenty do the work themselves and none of it is fake, end up at the top schools and better off because got there with authenticity. Once there, sure some cheaters are everywhere but most got there on own. The first calc and econ midterms show who doesnt belong there, and cheater parents come out on fb so distraught grading is harsh, why can't they redo..until they realize their kids score was the very bottom and no one else has Cs.
the one "fake" in our big coed friend group in '94 --his dad had pulled strings to get him in, wrote his essays, tried to work profs too--denied from his dream career and later big shocker cheated on his wife. one of his kids is following a worse path because he was raised to cheat. OP youre right to be angry with your DH