massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

I went through this last year (with only 1 child).
Here is what we did. We had 1 time a week dedicated to talk about college applications. It was 30 minutes of check-in, see what help was needed.
At this time last year, my child did not have his idea for his personal statement finalized - but a reminder, things are not linear and just because it does not look like progress, there might be a bunch of ideas stewing.
We encouraged to move to a supplemental for a school that was a safety and after that everything broke free.
Applications submitted before going out for Halloween.

[Anonymous]

My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

[Anonymous]

I sympathize but think your DCs will either rally when it’s crunch time, or they won’t and will get into a good safety and live happily ever after. Absolutely disagree with DH writing the essays. For your own mental health, step away and let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Community college if they don’t care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Adults use words that kids do not and the readers know.

[Anonymous]

We would sometimes “kidnap” our college senior and spend a morning in a library or coffee shop working on apps, with the phone put away of course.

Just get them to apply to your state school that you can afford that is a safety for them. Get that application done asap. If it’s a true safety there might not even be an essay. Then apply to the state school that is a target. After that, I’d back off and let the kid decide if they are doing any more apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

NP. You are way overreacting. But your husband is too. You are both extremists here.

The fact is that a lot of admissions now is like a lottery combined with a harsh judgment of who they are as a whole person. It is grotesque and I don’t blame them for not wanting to engage. Their resistance lets them reclaim a little of themselves out of this ridiculous process. They’ll wrap it up the way they want. They’re normal.

[Anonymous]

OP:

1.) Deep breaths. This sucks.

2.) Agree with others: There is time. For better or worse, not all deadlines are Oct. 15 or Nov. 1. Chances are, the applications will extend into early January. (More deep breaths)

3.) Your husband should absolutely not write the essays for the kids. If they miss a deadline, it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Which schools have October deadlines?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would compromise a bit and get your husband busy working NOW on the tedious aspects of the common app - name, address, family background maybe even a first draft of the activities list for each. Also, get him engaged with the bureaucracy of the college application process at school. For example, our school requires transcript requests a month in advance, so I hope someone is on top of those 10/15 schools.

A lot of kids need help with the organization. Sounds like you need some help removing the mental load. If he is willing, pass off the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Your DH saying he will write the essays is by far the strangest part of this situation. Does he routinely do their schoolwork for them...and your kids are okay relying on him in this way? If so, that is a far bigger issue than college applications and should be addressed before thinking about sending them off for further education.

[Anonymous]

Your husband cannot write their essays, but he could sit down with them and watch the college essay guy webinar and help them brainstorm if that is needed. Or hire a college consultant for the essay part--they can work directly with your kids so you don't have to.

And if all else fails, change the wifi password for your house and don't tell anyone else (including your husband).

[Anonymous]

I made sure the kid had applications in for a cheap safety and a few targets. After that it was up to him to apply to reaches.

He also didn’t get honors college essays in and regretted it. In my mind a cheap lesson!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would compromise a bit and get your husband busy working NOW on the tedious aspects of the common app - name, address, family background maybe even a first draft of the activities list for each. Also, get him engaged with the bureaucracy of the college application process at school. For example, our school requires transcript requests a month in advance, so I hope someone is on top of those 10/15 schools.

A lot of kids need help with the organization. Sounds like you need some help removing the mental load. If he is willing, pass off the stress.

Why on earth should a parent do this?!

[Anonymous]

I have twins too and will be starting this process next year. We hired a counselor so that person will be responsible for keeping them on task and being the one to help and nag.

I know it's expensive, but less money than getting a divorce. And healthier for all involved. Good luck!