massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Tell them (husband and Seniors) that you will report the cheating to their school counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

If the parents own the cars and phones, this is not treating them like toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t help them you’ll be stuck with them

ha! That was my fear with one of my kids.

NP here with three in college.

OP, can you work with them (but one-on-one)? I think the college application process is so crazy, it's like the nuclear arms race. It's overwhelming. If you can help them break it down into manageable pieces that might help.

With one kid, we talked about the essay for 5 minutes or so. Then I set the timer for 15 minutes and told her to vomit forth whatever she could for that time, no editing or going back...and we'd review it the next day.

Once they get a few essays under their belt, a lot of this is repetitive.

And if they get one target college app done, then they feel like there is a big chip in the application mountain and then rest goes easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

If the parents own the cars and phones, this is not treating them like toddlers.

Why provoke them? There is still plenty of time. Why treat them as defective? Not worth the damage to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Really?? It sounds like OP and DH already have a terrible marriage. I’m sure DW treating her DH like a toddler and taking his keys would help fix that!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Community college if they don’t care

This. Let them do factory work for a year. They will then gladly submit their completed college applications.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my kid did 19 applications during the winter break. It’s stressful but doable, and my kid got into several top 20 schools and state schools.

I would recommend paying a college counselor to supervise their applications.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line. OP is overreacting. And DH is just trying to buy time by saying it will all work out and is mentioning a back up plan only as a lame attempt to calm the waters.

For all we know, OP is secretly writing supplementals or activity lists herself, even after posting such negativity about DH, to assuage how nerve-wracking this all is — probably never to use them based on what has been shared — but the point is that people often let this whole process get completely out of hand.

Don't. There is still plenty of time, even before EA deadlines. It’s not like these essays are a graduate thesis. And people matter more than college applications. Mental health matters more than college applications. The future of our families matters more than college applications.

[Anonymous]

If you have enough time to complain here, just sit down with them and work together. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Tell them (husband and Seniors) that you will report the cheating to their school counselor.

This might be the worst advice of all time in this forum.

(Yes the cheating is wrong)

[Anonymous]

Doesn't community college take them in without all this whatever you want them to do?
I'd kick them both out if they won't get in anywhere because they did put in the effort. They can get a job and go to CC at the same time.

[Anonymous]

If they haven’t even done the common app I’d be freaking out too. Try to give deadlines? Try to create your own consequences? Anything to help move the process along. ChatGPT could probably write the essays better than your hubby? At least to get the ideas started?

It’s stressful OP. I managed my senior through the deadlines a LOT. But they did write their own essays. They’ve done so much to get themselves to this point and as parents, it’s hard to let them fail or to think that their approach will not set themselves up for success.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if your kids don't get their apps in, then maybe they are signaling that they just aren't ready for college.
There is no shame to going to community college, a trade school or going to work out of high school.
Just make it clear that they are on their own once HS ends.

I would not stress about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line. OP is overreacting. And DH is just trying to buy time by saying it will all work out and is mentioning a back up plan only as a lame attempt to calm the waters.

For all we know, OP is secretly writing supplementals or activity lists herself, even after posting such negativity about DH, to assuage how nerve-wracking this all is — probably never to use them based on what has been shared — but the point is that people often let this whole process get completely out of hand.

Don't. There is still plenty of time, even before EA deadlines. It’s not like these essays are a graduate thesis. And people matter more than college applications. Mental health matters more than college applications. The future of our families matters more than college applications.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if your kids don't get their apps in, then maybe they are signaling that they just aren't ready for college.
There is no shame to going to community college, a trade school or going to work out of high school.
Just make it clear that they are on their own once HS ends.

I would not stress about it.

Did your kids go to community college?