massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

I have twins too and they are mostly done because I started nagging early and relentlessly (which I hated, I hate to nag) BUT ds is refusing to do supplementals so only applying to schools that do not require, which means zero reaches. Dd is going to do just two supplementals and dragging her feet about adding more schools to her list. I don't think either of them are applying to as good a school as they could get into, which is ultimately their choice because I cannot be their brain. The process has been so stressful and a little disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband write them! It'll be great practice for when he'll be writing the term papers and filling out the job applications!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps have each kid write out their own proposed schedule of deadlines. Not your imposed deadlines. Then, you can get on them about missing their own dates.

I empathize with your position and would be wild myself. You are correct but being right doesn’t seem to matter. Perhaps you’ll get better results in prodding them to commit to their own timetables? It’s probably all wishful thinking.

[Anonymous]

Yikes... do not let your husband write their applications. This would be the number one wrong thing you could do as parents. What a terrible life lesson.

But while I understand your stress, I think it would be better if you took a deep breath and calmed down a bit. They still have time, and kids do often write these things at the last minute. Trust me, I have students, I know. Some students can only do good work when there is time pressure. You can nudge them towards a draft, but they may not comply and that's more typical than you realize. If you are so upset you want to leave the house, you are letting the process take too much of a toll on your mental health. It will be okay!

[Anonymous]

private counselor/coach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are families who are paying for someone to do the applications for their kids, some families are doing the applications for their kids, some are just helping out by starting the application and filling in all the details, some are writing essays for their children, and some students are doing everything all by themselves.

College is such a huge investment and applications can be so overwhelming. I am not sure it means if you do the application all by yourself if you end up doing better in college and life.

My college roommate at Berkeley had parents who reviewed and if needed corrected/edited all of her homework in high school and continued to do so in college. Additionally, her father’s secretary or mother typed many of her papers. Her sorority had files of old tests in many classes. This helped her to have all A’s.

She’s now partner at a top firm. All of that extra time left her able to socialize and develop really good emotional intelligence/social skills.

I never had any help from my parents. When I had kids I realized that was a huge disadvantage.

Maybe OP your husband realizes this so wants to help.

Yeah neither did I, nor my spouse, yet we excelled at our ivies and are successful partners in our careers(MD, JD). We knew many like your college buddy whose parents did tons: most do not end up successful or if they do they have huge procrastination and life management issues, divorce, alcohol, etc. We would never do what your roommate had done for her. We proofread when asked. Guess what ours are both at T10/different ivy from us, and are excelling! The peers there that have struggled most had parents who hovered and micromanaged them in high school and beyond.
It builds character and pride in oneself to do your own work with parents as sidelines cheerleaders (and tuition payers) only.
For the OP: your DH is in the wrong, completely. I agree you should set deadline for Oct 1 for drafts of the apps due Oct15. Do not discuss it after that , do not remind at all, and check in on Oct 1. Take the car away if they aren’t done. Let them leave the later apps until xmas break.

That hasn’t been my experience. Like my college roommate, classmates with parental help are actually more successful than ones that didn’t get any help. Perhaps it is more due to socio-economics as it was upper middle class and wealthy classmates who were getting help.

The ones getting helped knew how to work the system. My roommate was and still is clever and hard-working. She did do the work, the help she got just made the finished project better so she got A’s. The time she saves also allowed her to study more for the LSAT because her laundry was getting done for her too (she either dropped it off at home which was in a wealthy area within an hour drive or her mom came and picked it up so their maid could wash the clothes and dry cleaning could be taken care of).

So many successful students got help like this. Obviously many didn’t but seeing how helpful other parents were was such a shock. I remember doing a group project at a friend’s house whose parents were from Korea. All evening and into late night her mom made us tea, brought us snacks, her dad went to buy more supplies we needed for the science assignment. Everything was about supporting her education.

Other days studying math with her at her house I realized she had copies of the teacher’s edition of the math books we used at our high school. She did all the homework herself but was able to check to make sure every problem was solved correctly. If not she kept working at it until it was correct. All these things add up.

That's very different than the father writing the essay (or doing the work) for the kid. That would be akin to the parent taking the LSAT for the kid, if he could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Late to the party here. OP, in answer to your question, it feels like you are over-reacting. There is still plenty of time, particularly when measured on the teenager timeframe. Plus, if they miss EA, is it really the end of the world? These are your final days with them in the house. Why turn it into a disciplinary World War III - which won't work anyway. Also, DH hasn't been given an opportunity to represent his perspectives here -- so for those of you advising divorce over the writing of essays, perhaps it is worth thinking a bit more deeply before coming to that conclusion. Perhaps he is just saying out loud that he'll write the essays as an attempt to turn down the level of concern and heat that is apparent in OP's post? Perhaps DH is fully expecting the kids to step up and is just buying time? Perhaps what DH really means is that he will provide advice and support when the kids are ready?

A lot of schools fill their acceptance mostly in EA.

That's a lot of "perhaps". I think OP knows her DH better than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late to the party here. OP, in answer to your question, it feels like you are over-reacting. There is still plenty of time, particularly when measured on the teenager timeframe. Plus, if they miss EA, is it really the end of the world? These are your final days with them in the house. Why turn it into a disciplinary World War III - which won't work anyway. Also, DH hasn't been given an opportunity to represent his perspectives here -- so for those of you advising divorce over the writing of essays, perhaps it is worth thinking a bit more deeply before coming to that conclusion. Perhaps he is just saying out loud that he'll write the essays as an attempt to turn down the level of concern and heat that is apparent in OP's post? Perhaps DH is fully expecting the kids to step up and is just buying time? Perhaps what DH really means is that he will provide advice and support when the kids are ready?

A lot of schools fill their acceptance mostly in EA.

That's a lot of "perhaps". I think OP knows her DH better than you do.

She clearly despises her DH. Doubt OP is objective on that front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest did 14 out of 16 applications the 2 weeks of Xmas break last year.

He did meet the Nov. 1st EA deadline for one restricted private and UVA. AT that point, the common app and main essay were obviously done.

What he didn't forsee were the sheer amount of supplemental essays/questions. He was applying almost solely to T10s and T20s so they varied. He was able to repurpose a lot of them, but had to change word count a lot.

It all got done. It is a stressful time with a lot going on. But---all that time on the phone is a no-go for me. My kid had sports most weekends and evenings so that made it tough. He was also hoping to get into EA which on SCOIR should have been a no-brainer but after getting deferred 12/15---he was pissed and buckled down after midterms to crank out to a bunch of schools.

The big picture was that he was ultimately admitted to the first EA, but also to many reaches.

My spouse was a lot like you and constantly yelling and getting pissed about the lack of college app work--but I saw how much on the plate the kid had Fall semester and knew they would get done. Son is more like me in that multi-tasking a million different things isn't the best. Much better to be in 'college mode'. Those two weeks were like Santa's workshop up in my office---he was cranking them out and even having a little bit of fun with the questions.

If your kid is doing this for the "why school X" question, then they are doing it wrong. The Schools know this and some specifically say during the tours that if you can a name of a school in the "why" essay for another, then they can tell and will ding it. They don't want generic BS from the applicants, or at least not the successful ones. I can see why OP is freaking out and I wouldn't blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My approach was, if you are not ready to do the work to get into a college - then you are not ready for college.
I’m sorry your partner wants to enable them, what will happen a year from now and they procrastinate on assignments?

1000% this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My approach was, if you are not ready to do the work to get into a college - then you are not ready for college.
I’m sorry your partner wants to enable them, what will happen a year from now and they procrastinate on assignments?

[Anonymous]

I think you are 100% right, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My approach was, if you are not ready to do the work to get into a college - then you are not ready for college.
I’m sorry your partner wants to enable them, what will happen a year from now and they procrastinate on assignments?

This is said a lot by morons on DCUM, but the reality is, as a PP explained eloquently, that the support kids receive, the less they close doors for themselves. No one should be doing the work for them, but parental effort needs to center on pressuring their kids to start their apps, keeping them on track with deadlines, reminders to request transcripts, sending test scores, etc, depending on the school, and editing of essays if necessary. This is likely the problem here - the kids are too scared to start, but once they start, they'll finish. Don't leave it to the last minute! Now is best.

And to your point - IT IS MUCH HARDER TO NAVIGATE THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS AT 17 THAN IT IS TO SURVIVE FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE. I guided my son through his college apps, because he was completely lost. But once in college, he had no trouble dealing with everything himself. For internships, he still comes to me for advice, because it's a little bit like college apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t help them you’ll be stuck with them

No. She can tell them they move out and support themselves at 18 if they put zero effort into getting into college. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, investigate marriage counseling.

I don't know what advice you are looking for from this parental message board, but yours is the most pathetic post I have ever read on this forum. It doesn't sound like you need to run away from your family, it seems that you and your husband have extremely different values and need help working through those conflicts.

I have three kids that went through this process. Only one of the three was a serious student, but ALL three wrote their own essays.I can't imagine anything different.