massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

There are families who are paying for someone to do the applications for their kids, some families are doing the applications for their kids, some are just helping out by starting the application and filling in all the details, some are writing essays for their children, and some students are doing everything all by themselves.

College is such a huge investment and applications can be so overwhelming. I am not sure it means if you do the application all by yourself if you end up doing better in college and life.

My college roommate at Berkeley had parents who reviewed and if needed corrected/edited all of her homework in high school and continued to do so in college. Additionally, her father’s secretary or mother typed many of her papers. Her sorority had files of old tests in many classes. This helped her to have all A’s.

She’s now partner at a top firm. All of that extra time left her able to socialize and develop really good emotional intelligence/social skills.

I never had any help from my parents. When I had kids I realized that was a huge disadvantage.

Maybe OP your husband realizes this so wants to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

I think this is the right approach. The one person I know who took your Husband’s approach is still bailing her son out in his senior year of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Your DH saying he will write the essays is by far the strangest part of this situation. Does he routinely do their schoolwork for them...and your kids are okay relying on him in this way? If so, that is a far bigger issue than college applications and should be addressed before thinking about sending them off for further education.

+1. Do your husband and sons regularly cheat?

[Anonymous]

I understand. My senior has a couple due October 15, most due by November 1 and a couple January 1.

Mine is overwhelmed by this entire process. I have never had to remind DC about deadlines or getting work done, but that has changed with applying to college. The next four weekends are filled with activities and DC gets home around 7:30 pm each night. DC wants to go out tonight so, last night, I made them sit at my desk and they finished the personal statement.

No advice, but I get it.

If they know your husband will bail them out, there is little you can do to motivate them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think the idea of husband helping with the bureaucratic paperwork part of the process, getting the common AP set up and SRAR is a good one and a compromise. It’s a ton of work. Talk with your husband and set up a time they can go over this together weekly. Obviously not ideal since they should be doing it themselves. However, I can guarantee you, you aren’t the only parent who is helping with the bureaucratic part of the admissions process- though no one on lake DCUM will admit.

Do you remember the “projects” the kids were assigned that they weren’t capable of by themselves at home (age- inappropriate) and the parents that would say they didn’t help? They are the same ones commenting here.

I agree that it’s ridiculous not to be working on them NOW!

[Anonymous]

Get an essay consultant. They will manage the deadlines and do the nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

Me again.

I wanted to clarify that DS filled everything out himself (two years ago), but due to his inattentive ADHD, I was right there to stop the daydreaming and Youtubing (his particular addiction). I hovered in his vicinity every damm weekend with my laptop and cup of tea, magically available to help at the drop of a hat, and with eyes in the back of my head. He asked me to double-check his apps for typos, and to fill out parental background which he was unaware of. I did the FAFSA and CSS and just asked him to sign. His essays took the longest, most agonizing and laborious time, because of his difficulties talking about himself and his abysmal processing speed. This is where I had to edit heavily, and for some essays, suggest complete reworks. He took some of my suggestions and made changes, but kept his own voice and ideas, which was the goal.

My husband did nothing except to sign the checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

Me again.

I wanted to clarify that DS filled everything out himself (two years ago), but due to his inattentive ADHD, I was right there to stop the daydreaming and Youtubing (his particular addiction). I hovered in his vicinity every damm weekend with my laptop and cup of tea, magically available to help at the drop of a hat, and with eyes in the back of my head. He asked me to double-check his apps for typos, and to fill out parental background which he was unaware of. I did the FAFSA and CSS and just asked him to sign. His essays took the longest, most agonizing and laborious time, because of his difficulties talking about himself and his abysmal processing speed. This is where I had to edit heavily, and for some essays, suggest complete reworks. He took some of my suggestions and made changes, but kept his own voice and ideas, which was the goal.

My husband did nothing except to sign the checks.

OP here. Did your son agree to do this (Sit at the table with his laptop, filling out forms)? Mine refuses. He has every excuse why he can't. He either goes out with friends, to school games or sits in his room with his phone for 10-12 hours a day, watching Youtube. He then does homework on Sundays so always has (and continues to be) good with that.
My husband won't police his cell phone or internet use (never has) so it's hard to override it.

Again, my son is independent with getting homework done. He's good about this. But he won't independently engage with anything college related and the weeks keep ticking by.

[Anonymous]

Interesting scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest did 14 out of 16 applications the 2 weeks of Xmas break last year.

He did meet the Nov. 1st EA deadline for one restricted private and UVA. AT that point, the common app and main essay were obviously done.

What he didn't forsee were the sheer amount of supplemental essays/questions. He was applying almost solely to T10s and T20s so they varied. He was able to repurpose a lot of them, but had to change word count a lot.

It all got done. It is a stressful time with a lot going on. But---all that time on the phone is a no-go for me. My kid had sports most weekends and evenings so that made it tough. He was also hoping to get into EA which on SCOIR should have been a no-brainer but after getting deferred 12/15---he was pissed and buckled down after midterms to crank out to a bunch of schools.

The big picture was that he was ultimately admitted to the first EA, but also to many reaches.

My spouse was a lot like you and constantly yelling and getting pissed about the lack of college app work--but I saw how much on the plate the kid had Fall semester and knew they would get done. Son is more like me in that multi-tasking a million different things isn't the best. Much better to be in 'college mode'. Those two weeks were like Santa's workshop up in my office---he was cranking them out and even having a little bit of fun with the questions.

OP here Was your son spending 12 hours during a weekend day on his phone during the fall?

No. I said he was in sports all weekend---including in other states. But if he showed even an hour of 'phone' time my spouse would flip out and say 'that's an hour you could have been working on applications'. It was a lot of pressure. I tried to ease it. But, no we always have had iphone time limits---plug into the kitchen counter outlet, etc.

[Anonymous]

NP my DD similar and it making me nuts. I posted a few days ago. I don't want to write or essay and won't and my DH says whatever happens happens. I just told her she's not going out tonight. She said she's working on it now WHILE she's on FaceTime. Her personal and one supplement is done. But she doens t know major and has at least 7 supplementals left. I feel for you OP - same boat but one kids. My other kids is now in college and was completely on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Just finish common app essay and they could apply to schools without any supplemental essays.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the procrastination on apps is pretty normal. I have a pretty perfect DS who could get accepted into an HYPSM— or not. He handles everything else about his life by himself. But there is no common app essay done, despite a lot of my efforts. I’m willing to sit down with him to work together on stuff (e.g. we did his activities list together) but I won’t draft the essays as that is long term harmful for him. I think he will apply to less schools than he is imagining right now, which might mean he ends up at a safety. So be it. Or he’ll do mad dash in Dec and end up at Stanford. Who knows. I think your big problem is a marriage problem, not a kid problem, because your spouse’s parenting is problematic and you don’t have the same values. Anyway, best of luck with the kids. I think your reactions are all quite normal, given the complications your husband is introducing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

This to me is an appropriate level of stress for you to feel THE DAY BEFORE THE APP IS DUE. It’s Sept. It would be nice if kids did it far in advance but they mostly don’t.

If your kids would be amenable, could you do a one-hour app work session for a specific time on Sunday where you all sit down (you with them) and work on apps? Having a set time, and not too long, can help with procrastination and anxiety. You can do your own work and just offer a presence and advice if asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

You tell your husband and kids that you will report it to the schools if they cheat.