Reply to massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.[/quote]

Yeah, there is a compromise here. I would not go punishing them, but help them. It's stressful and avoidance is a way to deal with anxiety. I would absolutely offer to sit down with them and help them navigate Common Ap and I would check over everything. I would start setting small deadlines with them. Have they done the main essay yet? If not, see if the school has a workshop for this. [b]For the smaller essays/paragraphs/extras some schools require set a deadline they write that by Sunday night for the TOP choice school. [/b]You and your husband look at it, make suggestions and at least things are moving. [/quote]

OP--I set deadlines and one of the kids just ignores them.  The other follows through.  I could say to the first "you need to have the this supplmental done by Sunday" and Sunday will come and go and he will not have started it.  I have no way of actually enforcing this.  My husband does not believe in restricting any privileges (he does not believe you can punish kids into better behavior) so I'm pretty powerless.

Some of you are suggesting approaches that assume that I'm dealing with a kid who will do what I say in regards to college deadlines.  I could stand on my head and wave a thousands dollars around and beg and plead and there will always be an excuse as to why the college tasks cannot be completed with this child.  If step away and don't address anything college for a week--- nothing gets done.  I nag---nothing gets done.  Nothing seems to move the needle.  [/quote]
Sounds like the issue is with only one of the kids, not both. Honestly, at the end of the day, if the kid does nothing, then they will need to navigate next year without a college acceptance. That will likely mean CC while working a job and applying to a 4-year college for their sophomore year. I would make that clear to my kid and then step back. If you and your DH have trained your 18y.o. DS to assume that his parents will bail him out at the last minute, he is behaving rationally. The only way to break the cycle is to truly break it. If you are unwilling to do so and live with the consequences, then your DH writing their applications is just another notch on the spectrum of enabling dysfuntional behavior...of which you are both guilty.

You kid is an adult (albeit a very young one). You are offering help. He is still refusing. At some point, he has to do the minimum and at least accept the help.[/quote]

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