Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our circle of teens, I don’t think there is as much conflict in this regard as you would think. Our teens (15 and 18) just hang out with small groups of friends, not late at night or sleeping over, and go to their many school activities. They’re not drinking or doing drugs. They’re not dating either. Most all of their friends are similar. And we’re white Americans. The teen years aren’t as wild as they used to be (or as they appear in the movies).

The only difference in approach to teens that I’ve seen so far is that some immigrant families do not want their kids to go away to college and would prefer they live at home and commute.

+1 The biggest differences that I’ve seen has been attitudes toward LGBTQ. The kids are very tolerant but the parents are closet bigots. If there’s corporal punishment going on, the kids are must be very quiet about it because I guarantee you that my kids would call the police if they heard their friends were being assaulted by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our circle of teens, I don’t think there is as much conflict in this regard as you would think. Our teens (15 and 18) just hang out with small groups of friends, not late at night or sleeping over, and go to their many school activities. They’re not drinking or doing drugs. They’re not dating either. Most all of their friends are similar. And we’re white Americans. The teen years aren’t as wild as they used to be (or as they appear in the movies).

The only difference in approach to teens that I’ve seen so far is that some immigrant families do not want their kids to go away to college and would prefer they live at home and commute.

+1 The biggest differences that I’ve seen has been attitudes toward LGBTQ. The kids are very tolerant but the parents are closet bigots. If there’s corporal punishment going on, the kids are must be very quiet about it because I guarantee you that my kids would call the police if they heard their friends were being assaulted by their parents.

What is this obsession you have with claiming immigrants beat their kids? It’s disturbing. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

I have heard it directly from certain immigrant families, enough that’s it’s a pattern. They were mocking our lax American parenting and not resorting to spanking kids.

Why don’t you say if you’ve ever heard of it?

[Anonymous]

There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

[Anonymous]

When you say you don’t allow disrespect and back talk — how do you enforce it now and how did you early in childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an immigrant (came as an adult) and I don't think Americans are lacking in community spirit. In fact, they are more charitable than most, and I have always found people helpful and very kind, warmer. Perhaps lack of connection is perceived because Americans do move more, including far away from family, so there is less stress on grandparent, cousin relations?

I was born in India and came when I was 6 to this country and I’ve often wondered this.


I always thought of the people here kind in their own way.

However, many “Americans” (loosely think of people who are born and raised in the US for at least two generations who don’t have much of a connection to their ancestors who may have come from another country) don’t think twice about putting themselves first - something that is looked down upon in my culture. And this manifests in terms of where I will always choose to live - either near my DH’s family or mine so that we can always be around to maintain those connections or support them if they ever needed it.

This is such hogwash. I find the Indian people I work with the quickest to stab people in the back and put themselves first. They are the fiercest ‘win at all cost’, no integrity competitors.

This and while I was born here p my mom was 16 when she came to the US (from India).

[Anonymous]

Imho biggest issue in immigrant household comes from parents fearing kids will become destitute if they didn't ace academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our circle of teens, I don’t think there is as much conflict in this regard as you would think. Our teens (15 and 18) just hang out with small groups of friends, not late at night or sleeping over, and go to their many school activities. They’re not drinking or doing drugs. They’re not dating either. Most all of their friends are similar. And we’re white Americans. The teen years aren’t as wild as they used to be (or as they appear in the movies).

The only difference in approach to teens that I’ve seen so far is that some immigrant families do not want their kids to go away to college and would prefer they live at home and commute.

+1 The biggest differences that I’ve seen has been attitudes toward LGBTQ. The kids are very tolerant but the parents are closet bigots. If there’s corporal punishment going on, the kids are must be very quiet about it because I guarantee you that my kids would call the police if they heard their friends were being assaulted by their parents.

What is this obsession you have with claiming immigrants beat their kids? It’s disturbing. You need therapy.

it's really obvious this makes them feel good about their own failed parenting. and the funny thing is, despite so much "love and support" as they see it, their kids will dump them as soon as they turn 18.

[Anonymous]

None of you will say how you enforce no back talk, no disrespect etc. Maybe we could just have a raise of hands of who hasn’t raised a hand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My super strict Korean immigrant parents did not allow me to wear makeup, date, hang out with friends. They didn't believe in having girls play sports. They were extremely worried about us picking up "low class" behaviors. They also expected us to look after them financially when they retired despite their physical abuse when we acted or spoke in a disrespectful way. (I was objectively a good kid; never got into trouble, earned straight A's, and ended up at an Ivy.)
Unfortunately, this backfired. I had no relationship with my sexist father once I graduated from college; and to be brutally honest, I was relieved when he died.
My cousins who grew up similarly also have estranged relationships with their parents.

This is sad, but I hear ya.

- child of Korean immigrant parents

My parents didn't want me to talking to a boy. If one called on the phone, I got the 3rd degree. Even when I had moved out at 23 (they didn't want me to but I couldn't stand living at home anymore), they didn't like that I had a male friend over watching a movie. Literally nothing else happened. Then they expected me to get married at 26. How they expected me to meet boys and get to know them when they didn't want me interacting with them, I don't know.

They eventually gave up trying to control me and was just happy I finally got married, to a non Asian, at the ripe old age of 33. I think they were desperate by then to see me married, so as long as the man was decent and hardworking, that was good enough. LOL. 20 years later, they think he's the best thing since sliced bread.. actually in their words.."he must be a wonderful man to tolerate you". Nice, eh?

PP who is married to a Korean man for 20 years. You made me laugh out loud. I wasn't trusted by my mother in law at first, she had been trying for years to set up her son with a nice Korean girl from church. He had nothing against church going Korean girls, he just didn't fall in love with any of them. But by the time we got married, I could do no wrong in her eyes; it was quite comical. After I had my first child, she actually said to me, I'm so glad you aren't Korean because I don't have to pretend I don't like you in front of my friends. I knew that mil/dil relationships were stereotypically fraught, but I hadn't realized she was struggling with leaving it behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you will say how you enforce no back talk, no disrespect etc. Maybe we could just have a raise of hands of who hasn’t raised a hand?

My daughter is almost 14. I have never raised my hand to her, and don't plan to now. My mom says that I have A LOT of patience, because especially as a young child, she was extremely difficult. I tolerate a lot of venting and angst, and am not in the least bit concerned about the use of "language". But she knows that directing said language at people is not okay. I am not entirely sure how we got here, to be honest. I have always treated her as her own person, with opinions and feelings that are just as valid as ours. As much as possible, we talk through areas of conflict. A lot of times, I let her make mistakes, because I've found that she will generally come around to my point of view. Because of that, she actually pays more attention to me when we are in disagreement, and more likely to take my council.

I have always emphasized to her that we are a safe space, she can talk about anything, the consequences for coming clean are going to be better than if we found out (especially that she lied), her safety/health/well-being are the most important things to us. I won't claim to be perfect; I have lost it with her. I apologize, promise to do better, and follow through. All of the above have been MUCH more difficult for DH, who has an authoritarian streak in him. As a consequence, DD is much closer to me than she is to him. He is starting to do better though; I am hopeful that they will develop a decent relationship over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you will say how you enforce no back talk, no disrespect etc. Maybe we could just have a raise of hands of who hasn’t raised a hand?

Not PP but you've to start early with a home environment where you have respect for every member and have logical discussions about things you don't agree upon. If mom and dad set up an example of calm discussions and disagreements, kids tend to adapt the vibe.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually surprised by how well kids of some of very strict immigrant parents in my circle turned out and how they respect and value their parents as independent adults.

However, there was no punishment there, only enforcement of strict rules and consequences. They had difficult teen years but all worked out. All of them had money and spent on kids but didn't pay for college yet kids are very grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an immigrant (came as an adult) and I don't think Americans are lacking in community spirit. In fact, they are more charitable than most, and I have always found people helpful and very kind, warmer. Perhaps lack of connection is perceived because Americans do move more, including far away from family, so there is less stress on grandparent, cousin relations?

I was born in India and came when I was 6 to this country and I’ve often wondered this.


I always thought of the people here kind in their own way.

However, many “Americans” (loosely think of people who are born and raised in the US for at least two generations who don’t have much of a connection to their ancestors who may have come from another country) don’t think twice about putting themselves first - something that is looked down upon in my culture. And this manifests in terms of where I will always choose to live - either near my DH’s family or mine so that we can always be around to maintain those connections or support them if they ever needed it.

This is such hogwash. I find the Indian people I work with the quickest to stab people in the back and put themselves first. They are the fiercest ‘win at all cost’, no integrity competitors.

This is true. I'm Indian and it's part of our culture. 1.4 billion people. You do what you need to do to get ahead - bribery is commonplace, you have to scratch and claw your way up and it's commonplace to not tell the truth. It's in our culture to do what you need to in order to survive.

I find many American families do a wonderful job of supporting the elder members of their families. And they do so because they want to, not because of a sense of obligation (as is the case for some of my Indian relatives/friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an immigrant (came as an adult) and I don't think Americans are lacking in community spirit. In fact, they are more charitable than most, and I have always found people helpful and very kind, warmer. Perhaps lack of connection is perceived because Americans do move more, including far away from family, so there is less stress on grandparent, cousin relations?

I was born in India and came when I was 6 to this country and I’ve often wondered this.


I always thought of the people here kind in their own way.

However, many “Americans” (loosely think of people who are born and raised in the US for at least two generations who don’t have much of a connection to their ancestors who may have come from another country) don’t think twice about putting themselves first - something that is looked down upon in my culture. And this manifests in terms of where I will always choose to live - either near my DH’s family or mine so that we can always be around to maintain those connections or support them if they ever needed it.

This is such hogwash. I find the Indian people I work with the quickest to stab people in the back and put themselves first. They are the fiercest ‘win at all cost’, no integrity competitors.

This is true. I'm Indian and it's part of our culture. 1.4 billion people. You do what you need to do to get ahead - bribery is commonplace, you have to scratch and claw your way up and it's commonplace to not tell the truth. It's in our culture to do what you need to in order to survive.

I find many American families do a wonderful job of supporting the elder members of their families. And they do so because they want to, not because of a sense of obligation (as is the case for some of my Indian relatives/friends).

really? this is news to me.