Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This was simply a post about navigating different cultures as we work to raise our kids - and seeking perspectives on how others are handling it.

I’m pretty disgusted by those of you coming here to hijack this post with your nastiness, xenophobia, and classism. You are dismissed.

You have no right to DISMISS anyone! If you cannot handle your own children - really that’s your fault, not American culture’s fault. We handle our children just fine for generations. So well, in fact, that you decided to come here to raise yours. Perhaps you have something to learn from US, rather than seeking to ostracize your children by trying to raise them as a foreigner in their own country.

Hmmm. I said:
“I’m pretty disgusted by those of you coming here to hijack this post with your nastiness, xenophobia, and classism. You are dismissed.”

And you responded.
Quite triggered, too.
It seems you’ve outed yourself as someone who is nasty, xenophobic, and classist. And as such, you have dismissed yourself. Good day.

The fact that you want to dismiss those with different view points actually makes you more the xenophobe. I don't dismiss others, that's childish... but you are from the country that still beats children, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

If that is the case then the question is why are majority of Americans not doing everything - to raise their children well, to not be abusive to other people, to take care of their family and friends, to be fiscally responsible and to contribute to society? I am glad to behave as American as Apple Pie, if that is what the American values are. Because these are the values of any decent society. But, increasingly Americans are not following these American values and for many new immigrants, American society is very alarming.

We are openly seeing neglect of children in American families and gross dereliction of parental duties. I think people have to admit that all the facts and statistics are pointing towards a decline in the mental, physical, social, moral health of the children. And they increasingly indulging in devious and self harming behavior and it is being reflected in violence and academic failure.

What country doesn't have marginalized people? Oh, that's right, none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

If that is the case then the question is why are majority of Americans not doing everything - to raise their children well, to not be abusive to other people, to take care of their family and friends, to be fiscally responsible and to contribute to society? I am glad to behave as American as Apple Pie, if that is what the American values are. Because these are the values of any decent society. But, increasingly Americans are not following these American values and for many new immigrants, American society is very alarming.

We are openly seeing neglect of children in American families and gross dereliction of parental duties. I think people have to admit that all the facts and statistics are pointing towards a decline in the mental, physical, social, moral health of the children. And they increasingly indulging in devious and self harming behavior and it is being reflected in violence and academic failure.

What country doesn't have marginalized people? Oh, that's right, none.

The things you mention are not only happening in America.

[Anonymous]

Ugh… again. America is a big continent: South, Central and North.

[Anonymous]

We grew up outside American culture but we expected that our American born & raised children will see world differently than us and they should. They don't have to be our clones. Ironically our parent also migrated to our birth country from theirs so we had some understanding of the process.

[Anonymous]

I do feel that our third culture kids grew up to be more empathetic and accepting humans than we were at their age

[Anonymous]

My super strict Korean immigrant parents did not allow me to wear makeup, date, hang out with friends. They didn't believe in having girls play sports. They were extremely worried about us picking up "low class" behaviors. They also expected us to look after them financially when they retired despite their physical abuse when we acted or spoke in a disrespectful way. (I was objectively a good kid; never got into trouble, earned straight A's, and ended up at an Ivy.)
Unfortunately, this backfired. I had no relationship with my sexist father once I graduated from college; and to be brutally honest, I was relieved when he died.
My cousins who grew up similarly also have estranged relationships with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh… again. America is a big continent: South, Central and North.

People mean US in this thread though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My super strict Korean immigrant parents did not allow me to wear makeup, date, hang out with friends. They didn't believe in having girls play sports. They were extremely worried about us picking up "low class" behaviors. They also expected us to look after them financially when they retired despite their physical abuse when we acted or spoke in a disrespectful way. (I was objectively a good kid; never got into trouble, earned straight A's, and ended up at an Ivy.)
Unfortunately, this backfired. I had no relationship with my sexist father once I graduated from college; and to be brutally honest, I was relieved when he died.
My cousins who grew up similarly also have estranged relationships with their parents.

This is sad, but I hear ya.

- child of Korean immigrant parents

My parents didn't want me to talking to a boy. If one called on the phone, I got the 3rd degree. Even when I had moved out at 23 (they didn't want me to but I couldn't stand living at home anymore), they didn't like that I had a male friend over watching a movie. Literally nothing else happened. Then they expected me to get married at 26. How they expected me to meet boys and get to know them when they didn't want me interacting with them, I don't know.

They eventually gave up trying to control me and was just happy I finally got married, to a non Asian, at the ripe old age of 33. I think they were desperate by then to see me married, so as long as the man was decent and hardworking, that was good enough. LOL. 20 years later, they think he's the best thing since sliced bread.. actually in their words.."he must be a wonderful man to tolerate you". Nice, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little tired of "non-Americans" or "immigrants" living in America and constantly bashing it. If you don't like it, go home.

signed wife of someone who immigrated here as a 10 year old who agrees with me

As an immigrant, I agree. I don't think that attitude is really common though, most immigrants I know are happy to be here! The rich "expat" types are the annoying ones I encounter who find everything better back home.

Speak for yourself. What backwater country did you come here from?

Oooo, this one's fancy!
Came frome a upper class place, la di da

You're all immigrants. No matter how great your former country was, you left it. Talking about "backwater country" makes you sound bad. No one who talks like this ever came from a truly good country anyway.

Agree. MOST people who come here want to be here. They left for a reason. If things were truly better in their country they wouldn’t have left. If they don’t like it here, they can just leave.

Agreed. Other than natives, people have been moving here since 1600's because of the opportunities it offers. Natives didn't invite anyone. If you like it, stay. If you don't leave. Since most can't leave because their American kids wouldn't follow, all you can do is to pay tax, vote and volunteer to participate in betterment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

If that is the case then the question is why are majority of Americans not doing everything - to raise their children well, to not be abusive to other people, to take care of their family and friends, to be fiscally responsible and to contribute to society? I am glad to behave as American as Apple Pie, if that is what the American values are. Because these are the values of any decent society. But, increasingly Americans are not following these American values and for many new immigrants, American society is very alarming.

We are openly seeing neglect of children in American families and gross dereliction of parental duties. I think people have to admit that all the facts and statistics are pointing towards a decline in the mental, physical, social, moral health of the children. And they increasingly indulging in devious and self harming behavior and it is being reflected in violence and academic failure.

Who are the Indians you are comparing the Americans to? Well educated, middle to upper class, probably family support, because really, you wouldn't make it into this country without those characteristic. And here you go, comparing yourselves to the entire country, where only 38% of Americans have a college degree and who knows how many of those are University of Phoenix type things. Of course the people you see are going to look bad compared to your community. The rest of the Indian community is still back in India. And I say this an Indian American. I know my grandparents didn't interact or worry too much about the lower class woman who came to clean their toilets. I'm pretty sure Americans look pretty good compared to her life.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t beat your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American citizen but raised in South Asia. I am finding it difficult since the way I was raised is so different from how it is here. I cannot stand disrespect from kids and it is not something you see where I was raised. It causes a lot of fights in our home.

The things my kid gets away with, my parents would have abused the hell out of me for that.

I'm a born and raised Caucasian American, married for 20 years to an Asian immigrant and disrespect was not tolerated in my house growing up, and I don't tolerate it from my teen and tween. I don't know why this stereotype persists. And I don't abuse them to get their respect. If your kids are getting away with it, that's on you, not American culture.

What does that even mean? Do you punish them?

I don’t get it; the families we know are mostly European or American and the kids are not disrespectful but they also get a ton of freedom, no punishments and never raised a hand. I think you get the respect by acting respectfully and frankly not living in a different century

[Anonymous]

Stop talking about beating kids. This is a lazy oversimplification that shows the nuance of this conversation is going way over your head.