Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My super strict Korean immigrant parents did not allow me to wear makeup, date, hang out with friends. They didn't believe in having girls play sports. They were extremely worried about us picking up "low class" behaviors. They also expected us to look after them financially when they retired despite their physical abuse when we acted or spoke in a disrespectful way. (I was objectively a good kid; never got into trouble, earned straight A's, and ended up at an Ivy.)
Unfortunately, this backfired. I had no relationship with my sexist father once I graduated from college; and to be brutally honest, I was relieved when he died.
My cousins who grew up similarly also have estranged relationships with their parents.

This is sad, but I hear ya.

- child of Korean immigrant parents

My parents didn't want me to talking to a boy. If one called on the phone, I got the 3rd degree. Even when I had moved out at 23 (they didn't want me to but I couldn't stand living at home anymore), they didn't like that I had a male friend over watching a movie. Literally nothing else happened. Then they expected me to get married at 26. How they expected me to meet boys and get to know them when they didn't want me interacting with them, I don't know.

They eventually gave up trying to control me and was just happy I finally got married, to a non Asian, at the ripe old age of 33. I think they were desperate by then to see me married, so as long as the man was decent and hardworking, that was good enough. LOL. 20 years later, they think he's the best thing since sliced bread.. actually in their words.."he must be a wonderful man to tolerate you". Nice, eh?

I am an Indian poster from up thread.

My dad was not sexist, but my mom was abusive. I am married to a White man, and have heard this also. So many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imho biggest issue in immigrant household comes from parents fearing kids will become destitute if they didn't ace academics.

Newbies.

Native born Americans don't fear it. They simply expect it.
I get the impression that Americans are proud to be poor (not that this is different from wanting to be poor), in a way immigrants and maybe their homelands peers would be ashamed.

For all the "collectivism" talk, Americans seem to be more socialist, while immigrants blame themselves for their oppression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

TEDx is not credible (and TED is barely credible.)
Normalized violence in South Asian immigrant famiies, might be a problem, and I'd appreciate info about it. But a TEDx sermon ain't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an immigrant (came as an adult) and I don't think Americans are lacking in community spirit. In fact, they are more charitable than most, and I have always found people helpful and very kind, warmer. Perhaps lack of connection is perceived because Americans do move more, including far away from family, so there is less stress on grandparent, cousin relations?

I was born in India and came when I was 6 to this country and I’ve often wondered this.


I always thought of the people here kind in their own way.

However, many “Americans” (loosely think of people who are born and raised in the US for at least two generations who don’t have much of a connection to their ancestors who may have come from another country) don’t think twice about putting themselves first - something that is looked down upon in my culture. And this manifests in terms of where I will always choose to live - either near my DH’s family or mine so that we can always be around to maintain those connections or support them if they ever needed it.

This is such hogwash. I find the Indian people I work with the quickest to stab people in the back and put themselves first. They are the fiercest ‘win at all cost’, no integrity competitors.

This is true. I'm Indian and it's part of our culture. 1.4 billion people. You do what you need to do to get ahead - bribery is commonplace, you have to scratch and claw your way up and it's commonplace to not tell the truth. It's in our culture to do what you need to in order to survive.

I find many American families do a wonderful job of supporting the elder members of their families. And they do so because they want to, not because of a sense of obligation (as is the case for some of my Indian relatives/friends).

really? this is news to me.

Get out of your circle sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a white man. Every time i use race to compare things, he would give me an example that it's not about race, it's how people are brought up. Every dang time, he would give me an example that defies it all. Every race has got some sh*t going on.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a ton of overlap in the challenges native-born Americans and immigrants face with raising kid and how things have changed since they were kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to a white man. Every time i use race to compare things, he would give me an example that it's not about race, it's how people are brought up. Every dang time, he would give me an example that defies it all. Every race has got some sh*t going on.

#Truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

TEDx is not credible (and TED is barely credible.)
Normalized violence in South Asian immigrant famiies, might be a problem, and I'd appreciate info about it. But a TEDx sermon ain't it.

Ok.

Have you ever raised a hand at your children?
Has many roughly % wise you know who don in your immigrant community?

I don’t need to know.
For us, it is 0 and 0.
Chew on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

TEDx is not credible (and TED is barely credible.)
Normalized violence in South Asian immigrant famiies, might be a problem, and I'd appreciate info about it. But a TEDx sermon ain't it.

Ok.

Have you ever raised a hand at your children?
Has many roughly % wise you know who don in your immigrant community?

I don’t need to know.
For us, it is 0 and 0.
Chew on that.

Is this like a peak of your parenting or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

My red line looks like this. See that scary looking huge guy standing at the corner? If you are a child talking to your parents, don’t say to them anything you wouldn’t say to that guy. If you are a parent, don’t say or do to your kid anything you wouldn’t do or say to that guy. Oh, and don’t do or say to your spouse anything you wouldn’t do or say to that guy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

TEDx is not credible (and TED is barely credible.)
Normalized violence in South Asian immigrant famiies, might be a problem, and I'd appreciate info about it. But a TEDx sermon ain't it.

Ok.

Have you ever raised a hand at your children?
Has many roughly % wise you know who don in your immigrant community?

I don’t need to know.
For us, it is 0 and 0.
Chew on that.

Is this like a peak of your parenting or something?

Let’s say it is, so have you? How many have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

My red line looks like this. See that scary looking huge guy standing at the corner? If you are a child talking to your parents, don’t say to them anything you wouldn’t say to that guy. If you are a parent, don’t say or do to your kid anything you wouldn’t do or say to that guy. Oh, and don’t do or say to your spouse anything you wouldn’t do or say to that guy either.

Wow. Your red line as a mother is for your child to talk to you like you are a bouncer? WTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s literally a TedTalk about how normalized violence is in South Asian immigrant families.

https://youtu.be/XVntxzk9QUo?feature=shared

TEDx is not credible (and TED is barely credible.)
Normalized violence in South Asian immigrant famiies, might be a problem, and I'd appreciate info about it. But a TEDx sermon ain't it.

Ok.

Have you ever raised a hand at your children?
Has many roughly % wise you know who don in your immigrant community?

I don’t need to know.
For us, it is 0 and 0.
Chew on that.

You’re saying that besides you, everyone in your community believes in hitting their children?

Of all the people I know in the immigrant community, I know one that does. We do not. The other dozens don’t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

This is part of it. We don’t get offended by every little thing.
-immigrant

^^ this. My son attending the MCPS smob delegate convention as a rep for his school and one delegate made it very clear that as a woman of color, she is used to inequality and adversity.

Not really… just what the progressives have been feeding them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to a white man. Every time i use race to compare things, he would give me an example that it's not about race, it's how people are brought up. Every dang time, he would give me an example that defies it all. Every race has got some sh*t going on.

Your husband sounds smart and sensible. He single?